Flashback Friday: Seven Minutes in Heaven-Help-Me

Image courtesy of Popsugar Fitness
I am, quite possibly, the laziest, weakest bish on this planet. You think you might be the crowning winner of this coveted title? Just wait, you will be voting for this fatty real soon. 
I was sitting at a work training a few weeks ago. As usual, I was eavesdropping. Two super fit women were discussing this free app that follows you through a seven minute workout. Seven minutes. 
Gurrrrrl, that’s so my kind of workout. Forget those hour long, sweat and puke sessions at the yoga studio. Forget the bike rides around the block that take me the rest of the night to recover from. Forget spending my hard-earned Netflix and chill with Ben & Jerry time on being uncomfortable and sweaty. Eff.that.noise. 
So, obviously I downloaded the app and gave it a whirl. 
I imagined myself looking exactly like the fit chick in the video, because in seven minutes I can do anything. 
Actually, seven minutes is a long time. I can’t do anything in seven minutes. 
Well, I did something, but it looked nothing like the stupidly svelte girl in the video. I didn’t look a thing like the girl who didn’t even break a sweat. The girl who doesn’t even need to do seven fucking minutes of fitness. 
This was the breakdown of my seven minutes of shame:
Oh, this is easy!! I can do a million of these over-the-head-body-ball-things.
I can feel my abs growing stronger and stronger. Also, my arms are stupid strong. 
Actually, my arms are limp noodles and I don’t like this. 
My arms are going to fall off and I’m going to die. 
*looks at app timer on phone*
No effing way it’s only been 45 seconds. 
Hold up. 
My timer has to be glitching. *spends 30 seconds checking*
Oh, phew! The next exercise. Thank God. I almost puked. 
Um, I can’t balance on a ball on my side and lift my leg. Like, that’s humanly impossible. 
*awkwardly spends entire time devoted to ball balance exercise trying to get on ball*
What a friggin joke. I’d like to see anyone but Extreme Exercise Girl balance on a ball like that. 
Oooh, a lay down one! I totally rock the socks off lay-down-fitness. 
Ow. These hurt my virgin tailbone. 3 is good. 
Yussss! Another lay down one and all I have to do is lift my legs into the air as I hold myself up, balancing my gut on the ball. 
Not simple. 
OK. That was a barf burp. 
I’m feeling insanely sweaty. I’m gonna skip the push ups to take off my bra. I don’t want to sweat in my bra. I just washed it two months ago. 
*exerts more energy in taking off sweaty bra than in the entire workout*
I’m feeling much better. That break gave me the oomph I needed to get me through. 
I bet I only have a minute or two left. I can do this and finish strong! 
*glances at phone*
It’s been three fucking minutes???? 
I think I’ve given this all I’ve got. Besides, I’ve worked so hard, I’m literally seeing stars. 
I bet it’s not medically safe for me to workout.
Well, I think I’m done. Seven minutes is the maximum amount, and it takes time to get to that level of endurance. 
I’ll get there eventually. 
Guys, I half-assed my way through three minutes of a seven minute workout. 
I couldn’t even make it through seven minutes of physical activity.
I’m a lost cause. 
Seven minutes of exercise can suck it when there can be s’mores instead (Don’t even start with your, “But, you can have both” BS. Shhh. Let people enjoy things).

The biggest bold-face lie I’ve ever told. My favorite is when I wear this shirt to Cold Stone.

68 thoughts on “Flashback Friday: Seven Minutes in Heaven-Help-Me”

  1. All you get from me is love. No shame. Just love. A good trainer will say “go at your own pace respecting your body’s current ability. Don’t overstrain and kill yourself. But Go.” Got any extra Ben & Jerrys? Love, DM

      1. See but I completely get that. There’s never any “extra” Ben & Jerry’s here either. What’s your favorite Netflix & Chill “guilty” pleasure? Mine’s either Dexter or Futurama.

  2. Ha, ha, ha. I tried one of these a couple of weeks ago. Instantly, my neck went out. I have been to the chiropractor twice and will stick to walking… πŸ™‚

  3. It’s a scientific fact that a sedentary person walking is actually improving their health more in ten minutes than an insanely fit person running because for the couch surfer, it’s a real change but for the fit guy it’s just another Tuesday. Think about that while you park at the back of the parking lot and walk all the way in to buy Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy and the brandy to pour over it. Maybe that’s just me.

  4. Oh, love, you rock! lol You are real and your sense of humor is awesome! I say you had a great 3 minutes of exercise *fist pump*

  5. Embarrassing when I laugh out loud in the lunchroom by myself! I can relate. Maybe it’s genetic.

  6. These are some of the exact same thoughts that go through my mind during pilates!! I’ve heard of those 7 minute videos and I don’t think I would ever be brave enough to try them! Good for you for actually trying – I hope those sprinkles tasted extra good cos you earned them!

  7. Oh God, I tried to swim at the pool the other day…like actually swim…like I did when I was a kid. I did 4 “laps” in the deep end, so like 1 lap, and I could not catch my breath for a full minute afterwards. Then…I got a meatball sub. Jesus Christ! The sub was REALLY good, though!

    1. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ This had me rolling!!!!!! How did we have the energy when we were kids? Where does that shit go?! It’s like so cruel. Now I want a meatball sub!!!! πŸ˜πŸ˜‹

  8. Dude – I COULD HAVE WARNED YOU. You’re not lazy – these things are trying to compress the equivalent of a marathon into seven minutes. THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO DO FOR SEVEN MINUTES. Or four. Or one.
    I figure it’s like labor. Normal first delivery takes 14-16 hours. Mine took under four. But I still had to get from point A to point B, and it would’ve been nice to stroll there vs. beating pavement like a mad dog was chasing me.

      1. No…it’s really not. For THOSE people, you do stuff like put a treadmill under the desk, or make a bicycle-powered shower.
        I can ignore ANYTHING for seven minutes….That’s for people who are just showing off.

  9. *exerts more energy in taking off sweaty bra than in the entire workout*
    Women-Only Anxiety Aerobics
    BEGINNER — Pull up sweaty lace underwear behind a narrow tree because you didn’t realize someone was coming down the trail when you started to squat.
    INTERMEDIATE — Stuff everything back into wet underwire bathing suit in cramped public pool restroom before someone’s random toddler crawls under the stall door to stare at your ass rolls.
    ADVANCED — Writhe into Spanx in an unairconditioned room in front of your significant other without making them laugh.

  10. I’m up there for the lazy title! I sit at my desk agin the office and let my colleagues bring my paperwork from the printer that’s like 10 steps away from me….well they are getting up for their prints anyway!
    Don’t worry I think those workouts are 40 minute workouts squeezed into 7 minutes so 45 seconds is technically about 5 minutes work!

    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I will do the same thing! I’ll wait until someone else (our TA, usually) goes to the printer (that’s about 10 steps away, too) and then I’ll ask if they can grab my papers too πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. That’s working smarter not harder πŸ€“πŸ‘Š! Yeah, after feeling like I almost died, someone mentioned that it’s likely an even harder workout than a normal 30 minute quickie. So, that makes me feel a little better πŸ˜‚πŸ˜œ.

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