WTF, Google?! 

Last week, my boyfriend and I went on a quickie road trip up through Portland and on to Mount Saint Helens (I almost typed “Mount Rushmore”, and that’s where I said we went when the gas station attendant asked us where we were off to the morning we left. It’s a wonder I can even function). 
Mount Saint Helens is an active stratovolcano located in Washington state, about 50 miles northeast of Portland (thanks, Wikipedia). It last erupted in 2008, but it’s most famous eruption was on May 18, 1980. Growing up, I heard stories of how the ash from the 1980 eruption found its way nearly 400 miles to the deck at my grandparent’s cabin on Coeur d’ Alene Lake in Idaho. My mother said the ash blocked out the sun and it looked like the end of days. 
Since I always heard the stories of the eruption growing up, and I teach my students every year about the cause and effect of volcanos, it was decided that it would be our summer destination. 
We left Reno around 7:30 AM, stopped in Klamath Falls for some Taco Time lunch and a Dutch Bros. coffee, and arrived in the Portland area around 5:30 PM. It was a long day of straight driving, but it was the start of our vacation, so there was no bloodshed yet. 
We stayed with my aunt, who was gracious enough to host us. She had her pool ready and raring to go, so we definitely took advantage of that luxury. Our TBs (tired butts) were very grateful. 

The next morning, we were up early and excited to see Mount Rush..Mount Saint Helens (See? There’s something wrong with my head). 
We stopped at Tom’s Pancake House to fill up, as we planned on doing some hiking (to be honest, I was really hoping there’d be less hiking and more sitting in a scenic spot, eating the “hiking” snacks we packed). When I saw that Tom’s had an option to top your waffle with Oregon marionberries, it was an easy choice! I’m not really sure what a marionberry is, but since we don’t usually see them in Nevada, I had to try them. 

Mmmm…this was so good! I can’t really describe the flavor of the marionberry. The flavor is just “berry”.

When we got back into the car, we used Google to get the directions to the mountain. 
Before we had left Reno, we did a small amount of research and knew that there was an observatory and plenty of hiking trails to choose from on and around the mountain (I liked the sound of the 1.5 mile one and the one that had no incline). 
So, back to Google. Via maps, we were given the directions to Cougar, WA. So, we merrily made our way to where we’d hoped to find a spunky grandma who’d take a picture by the town sign.
After we wound our way through a quaint rural community, the road became very twisty and turny (yes, that’s a word) underneath a thick blanket of trees. We were climbing a mountain, just not the mountain we had come to see. 
The landscape was not at all what I had expected. We also saw not one sign indicating we were headed toward the mountain, an information center, or the observatory. In fact, there were some signs, but they were stangely covered up. 
There was so much green- nothing like the pictures we saw online!

Eventually, we made our way to the first hiking spot. We were hoping there would be further information at the trail head that would help us glean where the heck we were. But, no such luck. 
Also, the hike was an eight-miler, so that was a no-go.
‘Thumbs up’ to not hiking eight miles!

We got back into the car and continued up the mountain. Not long after, we got sight of Mt. Saint Helens and it was glorious, but, worryingly, still pretty far away. 

While we were admiring the volcano with our 10x magnifying binoculars, a friendly German couple came up to talk to us. 
They remarked on the beauty of it all, and we asked them if they were headed to the observatory. The woman said the road to the observatory was closed due to a late winter. 
(The jury is still out on that).
We felt pretty defeated and downright lost, as we had zero service on our phones and no paper maps to help guide our way. 
We decided to get back into the car and continue further. Almost at the very end of the road was another spot to hike. We decided it would have to work.
I’m sure by now you’re realizing that we were lost or just completely mixed up. Well, right you are! 
It wasn’t until we headed back down the mountain and to Ape Cave did we come across an information kiosk/gift shop where people with factual information could be found. 
When I asked how we could get to the observatory, the young man working the gift shop said it was some three hours away, but we could still make it, as they didn’t close until six. 
Three hours away. 
We were on the complete opposite side of the mountain. 
We had spent our entire day, dedicated to seeing Mount Saint Helens, like total dopes on the wrong side of the mountain.
So, how did two college-educated individuals mess up so royally? 
It’s all Google’s fault. Yes, just like a tattletale seven-year-old, I’m blaming it on someone/something else.
When you Google, “Johnston Ridge Observatory”, Google has you go to Cougar, WA. 

Notice how, in the first website under the egregious misinformation, it says, “Toutle, WA”? Yeah, that’s (closer to) where the observatory is. 
Our trip wasn’t all in vain, however. The hike we took was through utterly stunning terrain (honestly, I think it was way prettier on the wrong side of the mountain). We also went in Ape Cave, and I crossed a suspension bride just like the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It was just like that one (don’t listen to my boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about). 
Paul Bunyan strength

This raging river, cutting through volcanic rock, had pools with beautiful Caribbean-blue water.
Huge volcanic rock formations
This was truly one of the scariest things I’ve ever done!
My boyfriend took this while he was crossing the bridge. I kept yelling for him to not drop my phone. I was totally concerned for his safety, too.

We didn’t have enough layers on to do the whole cave. It was FRIGID!

We decided against driving another three hours (one way) to see the observatory, so we drove back into downtown Portland for some sightseeing.
We hit up the world-renowned Voodoo Donut and the Deschutes Brewery. 
Donuts and beer totally made up for not getting to the observatory. 
It was 93 degrees out. The sun beat down on us as we stood next to a glittery brick wall that was radiating heat. It took 20 minutes to get to the front. TOTALLY WORTH IT.
Utterly, insanely gluttonous
My favorite was The Neapolitan.
I’d like to spend some more time in Portland when it’s not melt-your-face-off hot. I DID NOT get the true Portland experience.

So, kids, learn from Aunt Fatty. Do not rely on Google, it’s not all-knowing. Go to the actual website for the location/landmark/attraction you are going to visit. Do some damn research before you go, and don’t rely on your phone for everything-you might not have service where you’re going! 
Know before you go:
Johnston Ridge Observatory, last stop on HWY 504, 52 miles from Castle Rock. NOT in Cougar, WA. 


44 thoughts on “WTF, Google?! ”

  1. Twisty turney is a word, especially in the UK (see Blackadder).
    But you should always take a map when hiking. Whatever brand of GPS you have I don’t trust! Even Google’s.
    I think I missed you at the bash 😞

  2. As said above, always take a paper map when you go hiking! Especially in the UK… The network is still from the prehistoric age here. It looks like a stunning plave though… I’m a tiny bit jealous! Wanna spend a week in my flat in Lincoln, I’ll go spend a week on your side of the pond? 😉 I really love your leggings by the way!

  3. Your skull shirt is awesome and at least you can make getting lost turn into a positive experience.
    I don’t know if this is a joke, but, did you ever hear about the couple that drove in the lake because Google Maps told them to turn?

  4. One time, when my husband and daughter were in Washington D.C. and were looking for their hotel, Google took them to some super secure government building and they thought they were going to get arrested. Google can suck it sometimes.

    1. That’s crazy!!! My dad did almost the same thing, but in Monterey, CA and it was a military complex! He was adamant he was in the right spot, because Google told him so 😂😂😂👍

  5. I’m always so terrified of this happening that I have a paper map and a GPS 😓 I’m *awful* with directions, so I quadruple check everything before leaving on trips! I always end up somewhere with no service 🙁

    1. It’s crazy how technology fails us like this! When I went to the U.K., it was still rare to have a smartphone, so we wholly relied on paper maps. We almost never got lost. It was so much better!!!!

  6. I mean, tbh, beer and donuts sound way more up my alley than nature. Haha! Beautiful pics though, and that bridge! I don’t know if I could have done it! You’re so brave!!

  7. Those pictures look amazing! Probs to you, my hands would have been sweating walking over that bridge! And those donuts. Looks amazing! Maybe one day I’ll make it to the West Coast.

  8. Ok, first of all, you stopped in Portland and didn’t. Visit. Me. WTeverlovin’F? I could’ve had you on the correct road to the volcano (been there lots), steered you away from crappy Voodoo and towards heavenly, crack-like Blue Star Donuts and the Salt and Straw ice cream shop that has an almost religious following (at least all my sugar-pounding friends say so), and brought cheesy bacon treats as a bribe…er…hostess gift to get me in on that pool action.
    If you post another Portland trip and I hear about it after the fact, live in fear.

  9. I once went on a road trip to Portland with a side trip to the Mt St Helens Visitor Center. They have lots of educational stuff there and since I was justifying the trip on educational grounds…yeah, the Website said they were open 9-5 seven days a week. We get there, there’s a taped paper sign on the door, closed Tuesday and Wednesday during the winter. Gee, thanks.
    Now I have to ask the most important question, because there are many volcanoes one can visit, but only one Powell’s. Did you go?

  10. Want. Donuts. NAOW.
    Seriously, I’d love to travel the states some day…but I probably won’t, because I’m too cheap for airfare and loathe to drive…so I’ll just have to indulge with some good pics taken by others.
    Your scenery shots are pretty damn amazing 😀

  11. Oh my goodness, this entire post made me miss my beloved PNW. My parents still talk about sweeping ash off of everything for months after the 1980 eruption, they lived in Idaho at the time. So happy you had a good time, even with the mapping mishap (I used to keep a big atlas in my car that had a state on every page, it came in very handy and I remember it being pretty cheap). Thanks for sharing your lovely memories and photos!

      1. They built a house in Glenns Ferry and then moved to Washington before I was born. I grew up in Leavenworth which is the next place you need to go if you haven’t. I bought my atlas at Walden books which no longer exists…maybe Amazon?

          1. Definitely don’t be jealous of New York, I’m over here breaking my neck trying to find a one bedroom for under $1500 and getting laughed at my brokers. I moved here for Columbia and teaching, graduating in fall but I’ll stay for a few years and keep teaching at my school. I can’t believe you know Glenn’s ferry, no one ever does! Go to Leavenworth it’s beautiful. Are you from the northwest originally or just have fam there?

          2. OMG!!! That’s insane!! Good luck 🤞. I’m from Nevada, but I have family all over the PNW. I also know a lot of Idaho, because I spent my summers at my grandparents’ cabin on Coeur d’ Alene Lake.

  12. Too bad you didn’t make your destination but judging by your pictures it sure wasn’t a waste. And those donuts looked amazing. 🙂

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