Tag: Embarrassing

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I come from a long line of sit sleepers. What exactly are “sit sleepers”, you ask? Well, imma tell you. When you’re a sit sleeper, there’s a 98% chance that you will fall asleep within ten minutes of sitting down. The likelihood increases when you’re in a comfy armchair, it’s warm and cozy, and you’ve had any alcohol whatsoever. If you’re laying down, forget it-you’ve missed the entire episode of Orange is the New Black. 
I noticed I came from a family of sit sleepers early on with my grandmother. When I was kid, we got to spend the entire summer at the cabin on Coeur d’ Alene Lake in Northern Idaho. The best part of this wasn’t the long summer days filled with swimming, boating, and lounging in the sun. No, the best part was that I got to sleep in my grandma’s bed. It was the best sleep spot in the cabin. The other room was the “boys’ dorm”, filled with bunk beds and farts. It was gross. 
Without fail, the moment my grandma got settled in, covers just right, and with her current book, she was snoring. Except, it wasn’t just snoring. It was something entirely different. See, my beautiful grandmother took her teeth out at night. I still remember those weird, waxy looking chompers floating in a glass on her nightstand. Because her teeth weren’t in when she fell asleep, book opened on her face, it sounded like the subtle flapping of a flag in the wind. 
It was always really entertaining to bet on how many minutes, seconds it’d be until I’d hear the flapping. 
The entire time we had the light on to read, I’d slightly nudge her and she’d sputter awake and continue reading right where she left off. I remember really being concerned that she’d never get through her book. Somehow she did. The marvels of this world are endless. 
The best part of this whole nighttime ritual was that sometimes I’d tell her she was sleeping. Every time, she’d swear up and down that she hadn’t been sleeping. 
I’d say, “Grandma, your book was on your face!”
She’d say, “That’s how I read best.” 
Oh, how I miss the nights I’d nudge my grandmother to say, “Grandma! Your lips are flapping again!” 
Of course, my mother was gifted with sit sleeping. One of my fondest memories is of our nighttime reading. No matter how late, how tired, how stressed, my mom read to us from infacy. As we got older, my brother and I read to her. Each stage had a different level of narcolepsy-like sleeping spells.
Some nights, my mom would be in the middle of a sentence and suddenly, the book and her head would fall, and she would be quietly snoring. 
“Mom!” 
“I’m awake!”
Then, she’d pick up right where she left off. 
When we grew into voracious readers ourselves, we started to read to Mom. That was hilarious, because with no book to hold, and nothing to do other than lay and listen, she was usually snoring before we could even get through a page. 
If we ever have my mom watch Harry Potter, she’d likely say, “Why is this vaguely familiar to me?” 
We’d answer with, “Well, mom, we only read the entire series!” 
A fun little aside about my mom and falling asleep in inopportune situations:
Not only has my mom fallen asleep during reading and during every.single.movie. she’s ever watched, she’s also been known to fall asleep while eating. Yup. You read that right. I wasn’t going to mention that it was likely due to some medication she was taking for her back, but either way, she fell asleep while eating a burrito. Except that’s only what she thought she was eating. She said she was eating her lunch and the damn tortilla would just not cut. She said she hacked and hacked away with her plastic fork, but no luck. Eventually, she decided to just gnaw at it with her teeth. At this point, she woke up/came to and realized she was eating her paper plate. I ask her to tell this story at least a couple times a year, because it’s just too good. 
I always thought falling asleep the second one sits was an old person thing. Well, at 33 years old, I can tell you it’s not!
Guys, I have become a sit sleeper something fierce! 
I’ve seen two movies over break, and during both of them I’ve fallen asleep. 
Like, fell asleep and woke myself up snoring. 
Yesterday, we went to see Rogue One at the luxury theater. I am fully convinced that those damn reclining seats have led to my demise. 
I was all settled in-candy opened and ready to be demolished, napkins draped across my chest like an adult baby, and my contraband drink nestled safely between my ass and the seat. 
I felt I had enough food to keep me awake. If I’m eating, I can’t be sleeping. It’s usually a foolproof plan.
Except, it wasn’t. 
I finished my theater food too soon. 
All of a sudden, I hear the crinkling of wrappers. It sounds like it is coming from inside my head. 
It stops. 
I go back to drooling all over my napkins as I try to keep at least one eye on the screen. 
Suddenly, the sound again. 
What the actual eff? 
I suddenly realize it’s the girl next to me. She’s been crumpling her candy wrappers like inside my ear. 
I’m aghast. I’m shocked. 
How could someone be so rude? 
Then. I realize.
She was crumpling her wrappers next to my head, because I was snoring. 
My head was leaned to her side, my mouth was gaping, and I was snoring in her face.
Who is this person I’ve become?
At this rate, I’ll be ten times as bad as both my grandmother and mother combined. 
HELP!!

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