Travel Movements

Am I the only one who stresses about the bathroom situation at airports and in *gasp* airplanes
Is it just me who plans, or tries to plan “movements” so as to avoid the flying germ coffin in the sky? 
I positively detest using the airplane bathroom. I don’t think detest is a strong enough word. Loath? Does that emphasize my hate and horror enough? I think I’ll go with ‘detest’, it sounds more full of disgust. 
What I despise about the bathroom is that it’s more like an entryway coat closet, in a home for small people, than a restroom. 
It’s absolutely not a restroom, anyway. There is no resting once in its claustrophobic grip. Just to get your pants down, you practically have to molest all four walls, with every part of your body.
I’m the kind of person who prefers to have no part of my body touch any part of a bathroom. It’s a challenge. It’s an art form. I hover, I flush with my foot, I will kick the door down to get out. Anything to touch nothing. 
Why are the bathrooms so fucking small? I mean, really? I could easily give up the snack station for a larger bathroom. Who needs shitty peanuts and the worst watered-down soda when you could use a bathroom that you don’t have to have sex with to use? I’m for a larger bathroom, hands down. 
Right along with my fear of public bathrooms, be it a horrifying porta poop or a nasty shit box in the sky, I fear pooping in public. Period. I want to get in and out as fast as humanly possible. Diddle doddling around waiting for the deed to be done, is far, far too dangerous in a bathroom where someone else, a stranger, is also doing the deed right next to me. No thanks. 
I can’t relax enough to poop when someone could possibly hear the dreaded ‘splash’. Nope. No way. I’m already feeling the anxiety coming on. 
Call me a freak. Call me high maintenance. Call me what you will, but I can’t poop comfortably unless I have my In Touch, my Costco toilet paper, my room spray, and my personally cleaned toilet. 
You can say vacations are a bitch in regards to the bathroom situation. 

0 thoughts on “Travel Movements”

  1. Aah! We don’t use toilet paper over here, we NEED the health faucet..or the ‘bum-gun'(sounds way cooler! Health faucet sounds weird). I remember freaking out on a trip to Singapore because they had toilet paper instead when I was a kid. I called out PRETTY loudly to my mom asking her how I was supposed to wash my bum. It was pretty entertaining to everyone outside. Also, I NEVER use the airplane bathroom. The flush scares the hell out of me. It sounds like the freaking apocalypse is approaching and I’m always worried that I’ll get sucked in the toilet because it’s so so so small. I prefer the ‘splash’ to my butt almost touching the whirpool of water underneath. Gah!

      1. We don’t! 😛 Hahah, another major culture shock! My mom was taught to use her hands know..I’m glad that practice ended with her generation in our family, atleast. We are talking about washing bums in different countries. Totally sexy 😛

          1. Naah!! Granny panties with it’s elastic bands are like our butt towels. You’d be amazed at how absorbent they are. We just put our pants and continue with whatever we were doing before this and let it dry on their own, i guess. Bottom line we NEED those bum guns. Things can get messy when you eat Indian food that can’t be handled with mere toilet paper. 😛

          2. BUAHAHA!! I can’t live without my toilet paper. Now, I would love a bum gun for added cleanliness, but I have to wipe for extra security. Wipe a lot…

  2. I once had to board a plane knowing my stomach “situation” was far from alright. I was about 12 pills into my $11 airport Pepto Bismol, and holding on tight, but not with my hands. I got seated next to a really annoying “airplane chatter” who was definitely hitting on me. Thank the stars the Pepto kicked in, and I didn’t have to rush to the facilities. If I had had an accident on my seat, I can’t help but think it would’ve served my row partner right for trying to hit on a girl mid-flight. That “shit” could have been really funny.

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