A Picture is Worth a Million Why Me's

I knew I would look fat. I mean, I would be wearing a one piece, with nowhere to hide. I knew I would look like an obese candy cane. I was prepared. It was part of the humor in wearing pajamas that 3 year-olds normally wear. But, nothing prepared me for what everyone was seeing from behind. Nothing.
The front view wasn’t so bad 
And then we thought it would be cute to take a picture of our behinds, because that’s always  cute. Good lawd, nothing prepared me for this:
I can’t even. My ass is huge. Huge. Not even sexy Kim-Kardashian-huge. Pregnant-Kim-huge. I mean, how come no one has never told me I had that trailing behind me? It’s terrifying. I think I might have an extra ass below my main ass. Can you see it? Meanwhile, my friend looks like Marilyn Monroe reincarnated. 
I thought maybe it was just taken from a poor angle. Perhaps I wasn’t prepared. So, I tried again:
I didn’t get the sexy memo. In fact, I think I had an itch mid-picture. Notice how I’m not even turning my head around, in a sexy, “I know you’re looking” way, because I can’t. The girl on the left is a professional model, apparently. What a bitch. 
Can you suck your butt in like your stomach? If so, I need to learn how. 
I went home that night and drank an entire bottle of moscato, because sugar wine will help my cause. I might also have eaten the rest of the package of holiday Oreos (and by ‘the rest’ I mean almost the whole thing). Then, I realized that I didn’t buy footy pajamas to look sexy, but to be funny. I bought them to look ridiculous, then got upset when I was successful. That’s lame. So, I said, “fuck it”, and wore them again to the Ugly Sweater Wine Walk this past Saturday. I had a blast, Pregnant Kim Ass and all. 

42 thoughts on “A Picture is Worth a Million Why Me's”

  1. Haha yesss. Onesies! Just blame it on the horizontal stripes. They always make me look bigger than I am, so I try to avoid them. Your onesie is pretty badass. And you look comfortable as hell. That girl on the left is definitely a bitch… people wearing onesies shouldn’t look like that. No fair.

  2. I see a whole lot of ladies having a load of fun! Wish I was there, rocking my ass with you! I am jealous of those jammies, though I’d probably never take them off since I work from home. πŸ™‚ Merry Christmas!

  3. I LOVE your outfits and you do like you are having a blast. Go girls! You know that there are lots of cultures who revere a sumptuous rear-end. I have always wanted an ass. Even when I was fat, I had a flat bottom. I have rear envy…

  4. Looks like you were having a whole lot of fun though, it always seems like picture that we don’t take ourselves look bad. I mean sometimes I even turn on my camera and scare myself because the front camera was on. XD

  5. “I think I had an itch mid-picture.” (dies) THIS IS MY LIFE IN PHOTOS.
    We are our own worst critics….it’s like we selectively magnify when we know it’s us. I would never attempt a picture like this when I’m rocking my Cookie Monster fleece jammies. You are brave and beautiful. So there.

      1. Just honest. I know how I feel whenever I post a pic of myself, which I think has happened exactly twice. I’m all like GAAHHHH NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE THAT. But then the internet doesn’t break. Somehow. ???

  6. Lol. Would you rather not have one? I wish I had something back there. It all goes to my belly instead. :/ Forget the one in green. Ha ha. Her pajamas are ugly anyway!

  7. I’m glad you had the change of heart there at the end, because, yeah, you had a pajama party to be a goof. We’re all hardest on ourselves. I want to burn every picture of me ever taken. But sometimes, you just have to bite your finger and say, “it’s a messed up angle.” But I think you all look good.

  8. You look awesome, and you’re my freakin’ hero! I love that you rocked them out again! Sososo much! LOVE IT!
    P.S. On a totally unrelated note, I just saw your copyright thingamajig at the bottom….”The content contained in this blog…….belongs to…..moi alone. Don’t be a dick.” BEST THINGAMAJIG EVER.

  9. Look. Look up. Right now. Do you see it?! It’s my FUCKING SOUL THAT JUST ESCAPED MY BODY BECAUSE I’M DEAD. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜±πŸ˜±πŸ˜± Listen woman. 1- you got BACK and that’s a good thing. Pregnant Kim looks like an albino gorilla on ‘roids ok. You however? Class, sass, and ass. 2- that onesie is pure genius. I. LoVE.!!!! You had a blast! You’re the coolest thing ever.

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