Wherefore* Art Thou, Cupcakes? 

Damn it all to Carb Hell. Why is it so hard to make good food choices? Why does movie theater popcorn taste so damn delicious? Why does a piece of Boston cream pie at 2 AM always sound like a good idea? Why do carbs make you feel warm inside, like you’ve found the promise land of gluttony and instead of guilt, all you feel is sweet or salty goodness on your tongue? 
I mean, really. Sure, eating healthier has long-term benefits. I can attest to the fact that eating better makes you healthier in that I haven’t had a single migraine since I’ve been eating better. Not one. Before, during the height of my Cup O’ Crack days, I was having a migraine once a month. Once a month. Anyone suffering from true migraines (I say, “true” migraines, because a regular take-two-Ibuprofen-and-you’re-good headache ain’t no migraine, ya hear?) would understand why this is so monumental, so joyous, so motivating. 
So, why isn’t it motivating when I’m faced with a decision- to sneak a pink sprinkle donut into the early-geriatrics-only movie, or not, and I choose to be that person inhaling a donut that, more or less, made it into my mouth, the rest melting between my fat boobs? 
Why, Diet Gods? With all that is good and Holy, why? 
I have made some positive gains. It hasn’t all been disappointment and let down. I’ve found that eating more than two pieces of rich fudge practically sends me into a diabetic coma. So, I have started eating only one 5 inch square piece of fudge. Progress. 
I’ve found that cabbage steaks are actually really good (not the same as actual steak-dripping with salty, bloody garlicky goodness. Erm, excuse me a minute, while I…). 
I’ve found that chocolate protein pancakes with banana and sugar-free syrup almost tastes like the real thing. 
I’ve found that baking an egg in half of an avocado is the most disgusting fucking thing I’ve ever eaten (do not be fooled by those beautiful Pinterest images of a beautiful egg inside of an inviting avocado, all lightly sprinkled with pepper. It’s horrible. Don’t do it. 
I’ve found that drinking more water makes me have to pee every 15 minutes, but I actually do feel more alive. 
These are just some of the discoveries I’ve made. What remains glaringly obvious, however, is that resisting a vanilla cupcake with rainbow sprinkled frosting will almost certainly take the strength of the gods. 
Sometimes I might be feeling Herculean, most other times I might be feeling like a damn cupcake. 

Oopsie-daisy. I accidentally got two donuts.

*’Wherefore’, despite the common misconception, does not mean ‘where’. It roughly translates to “Why the actual fuck, cupcakes?” 
You can read about it here

52 thoughts on “Wherefore* Art Thou, Cupcakes? ”

  1. Gah I feel your pain!! I am trying to eat healthier too and so far it’s not going tooo toooo badly. Crabs are my addiction so I’m trying to limit them as much as possible during the week and then allow myself to eat them on the weekend. It’s a nice balance that I’m going to keep trying to convince myself is working haha. I am however going to disagree with the egg/avocado thing I LOVE THEM!! I wish I had an oven so I could make them all the time! lol

      1. I don’t do completely no carbs lol but I’ve started like snacking instead of eating? two small “snacks” in the morning, a normal sized lunch (sandwich or pasta or something), small salad at work, then a protein when I get home for another “snack” before bed haha. So I really only eat carbs at lunch.
        I cut the avocado in half, leave it in the shell, scoop out a big enough hole for the egg to sit in, crack an egg into the hole, salt/pepper/cayenne pepper (a LITTLE bit), a little parm, in the oven at 350 for 30 mins or so? love love love! lol

  2. Lady, I feels ya loud and clear. It’s like that chapter of the Bible, carbs beget carbs beget carbs OMNOMNOM
    Sugar also messes with my face AND makes my anxiety worse. SO WHY DOES MY BODY CRAVE IT. I guess that’s how addiction works….le sigh
    In college, I had a roommate who would often say, “I wish I could get my body to a certain point, and say ‘stop’ and then it would just STAY THAT WAY.” But yeesh, no such magic button exists, and we gotta keep donut repellent around EVERY DAY FOR FOREVER. (scream)

  3. Carbs are the very devil but required and ALWAYS craved. I used to be terrible for them after a night out but now I find it can strike at any time without warning. I am just about to start the juice regime so I know things will be tough this week given there are virtually no carbs in a juicers juice…..
    P.S, the avocado used to be my enemy but I now have completely fallen under its spell and with an egg in it….. OH WOW!!!!

  4. Sighhh…. I feel your pain. Hubby and I decided to start eating salads for dinner thinking we ought to have at least one healthy meal a day. We put up a good fight. We really did. We tried our bestest, I tell you. We ate nothing but leaves and olives and veggies for one entire dinner. By the next night we were back to our deep fried chicken.

  5. Some great insights here. This reminds me of when I first learnt how to make sweet popcorn and could make them daily. When the guilt started eating at me…I would cook the popcorn, do Zumba for an hour, then soak up all that sweetness.:-)

  6. Wait, I’m so glad you tried the egg and avocado thing and actually didn’t like it haha, I’ve refused to try it because it just seemed so gross!!! Ah carbs, why are you so good?!?

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