But Don't Do That

Guys, I’m freaking out. Today, when I was at the factory outlet mall, I needed to use the restroom. Generally, I tend to avoid public restrooms like the plague, because, well, they are filled with foul smells and people with leprosy. I’m not even kidding. Just ugh. Even Starbucks bathrooms are questionable these days. There’s just nothing quite like your own bathroom, your own germs, and your own smells. 
There’s something more. It isn’t just that every single time, I shit-you-not, every.single.time I walk into a public restroom someone just unloaded their barrio burrito from hell, it’s that I have a fear of vomitting. Hearing it, seeing it, smelling it, knowing it’s happening. Just no. 
I’m the kind of teacher who, when one of my students throws up, looks like they are about to throw up, or comes out of the bathroom a sickly shade of green, I’m out the door, down the street, gone. Nope. Nope. Nope. 
I’m the friend who will leave your drunk ass in the bar bathroom if you’re puking. I don’t even care. Maybe it sounds cruel, but I always tell the bartender to hail you a cab. So, it’s OK. 
I’m also this girlfriend. Yup. 
I had my boyfriend help me recreate one of my favorite memes. Even getting this close is questionable. To add to the effect, he made pretend gagging sounds and all that fun stuff. Great work, babe. 
So, back to the bathroom nightmare today. There was a woman in the bathroom making extremely questionable noises. I’m always hypersensitive to the noises that go on in the stalls next to me. So much as a cough, and my heart starts beating faster and I break out into a sweat. When I hear anything other than tinkle tinkle, I freak the fuck out. 
Forcing myself to accept the very real fact that a foot away from me someone was upchucking was unthinkable. Thus, I decided to make up what she was doing instead. So, the woman in.the.very.next.stall was either:
A. Dropping bowling balls into the toilet, which would account for the impressive splashing sounds
B: Plunging the toilet, exuberantly, which would account for the heaving breathing
C: Having a watermelon seed spitting contest, which would account for the spitting
I practically flew out of that bathroom. The damn bathroom at the mall is at the end of this winding, endless hallway. The whole way, I ran, breathless, sweating, shaking. 
It felt like I was never going to see the light of day again. Finally, finally, I saw the light, exited, found Bath & Body Works and tried to forget about my worst nightmare come true. 

30 thoughts on “But Don't Do That”

  1. Same.
    The faculty bathroom near my room is filthy-we’re talking splatter that’s been there weeks.
    The one-person RR beside my door hasn’t had soap in months.
    I end up walking across campus to another bathroom that’s cleaner, but every now and then someone’s had those burritos.

    1. 😱😱😱😱😱😱 OH HELL NO. If our bathroom is not cleaned to my standards, I text our janitor. He knows I’m a germaphobe. I just have to bribe him with Starbucks and clean floors.

  2. Ha Ha! My husband will hold it for hours when we are out and about! He feels the same way about public bathrooms. But I think he is more worried about being the one to make all those noises that terrify you!! Love the meme recreation!! What a great boyfriend you have. I on the other hand have no fear of public restrooms but am deathly afraid of pit toilets and outhouses in the woods…..I.can’t.even.

    1. What is a pit toilet?! That sounds horrifying!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜± I used to swear the second I’d sit down on a toilet in an outhouse, some poop snake would bite me in the rear. Gah!!

  3. That photo is fucking hilarious! That so could’ve been me wielding that broom. I recently walked into a stall of a “LADIES” room just as the former occupant had exited. The stench hit me as soon as I closed the stall door and I wanted to flee, but I’d already committed, and the poop-bomber was still in the bathroom washing its hands. I couldn’t run out because she’d know why. So I waited while dry-heaving. Of course, she took extra time to reapply her lipstick or whatever. When she finally left, I exhaled and busted out of the stall with tears streaming down my face. I didn’t even get to pee!

    1. That’s crazy!! If I ever have to drop a bomb, I don’t stick around and let it be known to others!! Poo-pourri is also mandatory! Some people’s kids!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜‘

  4. Simply Superb but please do not think it is just you who is always greeted with a smell that would melt metal let alone make your eyes water, it happens to the rest of us too.
    The fact that these people have no shame has always been a thing of amazement for me, but then I suppose it is because they are either devoid of the ability to smell, have incredibly poor health (including the suffering of Leprosy) or are simply just doing it deliberately…..
    Go figure.

  5. Well, when ya gotta go… At least they’re leaving those scents in the rest room?
    I think I’d rather be in a stall next to someone heaving than BE the person heaving.

  6. This is really funny. I think the problem is that anybody who decides to use a public bathroom, it’s because they are afraid of not making it home – meaning there is something unhealthy going on. the other problem is that people are fucking animals

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