Reasons Why I'm Fat #2,347 and Other News

I’m working on a post on Friday at 1 in the afternoon*, because I’ve been in bed for two days still feeling like I’m swinging in a yoga silk. 
It started last week. At the end of class, when we wrapped up like fat vampires (well, I’m the fat vampire) to cool down, the new instructor moved us so we spun in our coffins of carnival-ride-hell. It was absolutely terrible.
Just thinking about it now makes me want to vom. Ugh. Bleck!
This past Wednesday, I asked the instructor not to make me sway *there it is again. Excuse me while I calm down my gag reflex*
Everything was fine until she forgot. She realized just seconds later and got me to stop moving, but the damage was already done. 
That whole night I had dreams of all sorts of nauseating things. I’d detail them, but I just can’t without my head spinning. 
The next morning, I barely got out of the shower alive. I’m a real wuss when it comes to fitness and committing to eating plans, but I’m simply not one to call in sick all the time. However, there was just no way I’d make it in. I could barely stand for five minutes without feeling like I was in a fun house of horrors. 
As a teacher, it’s usually just easier to suffer through the pain than to put in for a sub, create last minute sub plans, and ask your already-overworked-fellow teachers to help you out. 
This meme knows:

However, sometimes it’s the difference between barfing during your Number Talk and barfing with dignity in the privacy of your own bathroom. 
Already, long story short, I think aerial yoga is making me motion sick. 
Seriously, this just fucking figures. 
Right when I feel my body feeling tighter. Right when my arms have less swing. Right when I’m feeling a definition in my sausage legs, the fitness that can be thanked for this miraculous change makes me physically ill.
I try to get fit, but fit don’t want this. 
Fuck it all. Seriously. 
In other news, I guess there are worse things than fitness being attributed to sudden illness, because I got a message on Plenty of Fish by…
Adult Baby
Friends, when I received my first message from this “guy”, I thought he was the first truly honest dude on a dating site. 
Instead of finding out after you’re already invested, he’s kind enough to lay it all out, right in his username. 
Adult Baby says to me: 
I will pour myself a bowl of cereal, get more on the table and floor than in my bowl, and I won’t even notice. 
I can’t hold down a job, unless posting horribly written Yelp reviews about massage parlors that offer happy endings counts as a job. 
You will have to clean up after me, because I’ve never bought a cleaning supply in my life. Not even a trash can. Is that a cleaning supply? 
This is what I thought. For a quick minute, I thought maybe he was kind of secretly smart and almost kind for being just so outright about his immaturity. 
Then, the term “Adult Baby” was explained to me. 
I’ll never be the same again. 
Just google it. 

It doesn’t happen a lot, but I’m speechless
I am pretty much convinced that every  dude on every dating site out there just wants to get in your pants or they want you to change their pants. 
I’ll pass. 
I thought for a quick minute that maybe they weren’t all creeps, because I was talking to a really intelligent and witty guy. It was more than just talking. We met for drinks and he took me to sushi. Other than talking way too much and being incredibly long-winded, he seemed like someone I could really see myself getting to know. He knew how to form a complete sentence. He knew who Gary Oldman was. He had a job. It seemed like a win. When I didn’t respond to his endless sexual innuendo jokes that obviously meant he was trying to talk sex, he was suddenly not interested. Cool, bro. 
They seem to all be like this. 
He didn’t even get it…

I’m just…
I don’t even know. Maybe I’ll know in my next blog post. 
Well, I’m off to Google, “exercise that won’t make me motion sick” and to delete the dating site apps on my phone. Or, do I keep them for the sole purpose of endless entertainment? 
What a varied and exciting life I lead. 
*Obviously it’s not Friday anymore. Even more obviously, I’m a total procrastinator and didn’t finish my post on said Friday. 

34 thoughts on “Reasons Why I'm Fat #2,347 and Other News”

  1. The spinning thing kind of sounds a little like vertigo – especially if it is affecting you the day after. You should google that!! 🙂
    The “adult baby” sounds….interesting….. I once had a guy message me something like that, but he was just being sarcastic and funny. I’ve never come across anyone who has written such a self-degrading post and have it be real :/

    1. I’ve definitely looked into vertigo, but I’ve read that the spinning happens when you’re sitting and laying. It only goes away when I sit or lay down. So weird. Today is the first day I’ve felt somewhat human. The adult baby thing is apparently a fetish. Let your mind go there, and yeah, that’s exactly what it is. I don’t hate or judge…well, too much. The dude just needs to go on a fetish website. Nowhere have I ever indicated I’m into that kind of thing, yet he continues to message me. So creepy!

  2. Oh my… adult baby… I can’t even think about your yoga experience anymore… the adult baby is now in my head and I so desperately want to get it out there again…

  3. OK digging out here and waaaaaaaaaaaaay behind, but 1) maybe you’re coming down with the flu? And 2) approach the online dating sites like a journalist whose news occasionally buys you dinner. It’s much entertainments for the rest of us 😀

      1. Sometimes I miss them, just because of the entertainment. I mean, I work in HR, you’d think you’d have seen it all…but no, it’s a deeper level of WTF when you look to be dating. !!!

          1. Maybe reality TV is the normal and the freaks on dating sites are the normal?!?! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱🙈🙈🙈

  4. Okay, I should NOT have read this in Starbucks. It was so hard to keep from howling with laughter. I’m glad that I’m not alone when it comes to online creepers. It’s not that we may not want to get to that place, but can we get past several dates and establish a relationship? A REAL relationship?? Sheesh! God forbid a girl wants to keep her cookies to herself until she knows you’ll be around!

Leave a Reply