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I don’t know about you, but I sped right on out of 2016 in my cupcake delivery truck from Glutton hell, high on rocky road fudge and bleu cheese biscuits and crashed right into 2017 in a carb-induced coma, complete with egg nog dried into the corners of my mouth.
Whew. What a ride.
I spent most of my winter break carb-loading and comatose, covered in powdered sugar, next to an empty cookie tin. Cookie Monster doesn’t have shit on me.
The result?
Other than a blotchy, puffy face, I really couldn’t tell.
Thanks to my latest obsession of wearing leggings literally everyday, I never had to have the usual after-the-Holidays-can’t-fit-into-my-pants-crying-fit.
My boyfriend would like to say that he’s eternally grateful to LuLaRoe and their leggings that keep his fat girlfriend half sane.
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And, because I’d rather just not know, I don’t weigh myself. Even when I go to the doctor, I say, “Don’t tell me!”, as I anxiously get on the scale. I think they have, “Doesn’t want to know the extent of her fatness” written on my chart, because I don’t usually have to remind them.
Normally, the way I can tell that I’ve overdone it and thus gained some weight is that some of my fat comes back up when I bend over to tie my shoes.
Gross, I know.
I’m just being honest.
Because I’ve been the height of laziness over the last few weeks, I haven’t even put on real shoes.
So, all of this to say- I couldn’t tell how much holiday weight I had gained.
It was actually really refreshing at first to live blindly unaware of how much more stress I was putting on my overworked couch.
I felt lighter, with each step to the refrigerator, thinking the damage couldn’t be that catastrophic.
However, behind my new lighthearted, unaware approach to my fatness was a nagging feeling that something would show me the truth.
I figured my new leggings would finally give in to the pressure and the seams would come undone.
Or, while leaning on the door of the refrigerator, the whole thing would come crashing forward with the weight of my shitty food choices and my massive body.
But…
No signs. Nothing.
That is, until I went to the bathroom at the salon where my masseuse rents a massage room.
I was just sitting there, like any other normal person, doing their business. I was probably noticing the appalling state of my holey underwear or picking at my cuticles.
Until.
Until I looked up and into the mirror directly in front of me.
How I didn’t die of shock right then and there is a profound mystery to me.
If at any point you feel the need to be slapped in the face with the reality of your fatness, just sit on a toilet in front of a fucking mirror.
After that terrible shock to my heart, it’s been green beans and chicken broth every day.
No, I’m lying.
After my massage, I went straight to the store and bought a 12 pack of cupcakes and drowned my sorrow in frosting.
Here’s my Yelp review of the salon and their asshole mirror:
So, in case any of you really need to know how far your weight gain has gotten out of control, or you’re a masochist, just get naked and sit down on a toilet in front of a full length mirror.
#dead 💀
I’d like to thank one of my Facebook friends, followers, and old high school classmate for giving me the idea to turn my Yelp review into a blog post. Thanks, girl!
In Case There Was Any Question…
Oh god, those poop mirrors are strange as hell. But… The cupcakes were probably worth it, right ? I spent all of the holiday season watching every little thing I ate. I was lucky enough to lose weight over the last month or two. BUT IT WAS MISERABLE. Jesus. It was painful. It didn’t feel like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Next year I’m going full force towards the sugar.
Cupcakes are ALWAYS worth it 😜😉! Why did you deprive yourself?!
Eh, you know. Weight loss. SUCKS. If only I were born with a great metabolism lol
Ugh! No kidding! I must have, like, zero metabolism. It’s grand.
Oh my god, I have friends who had a full length mirror in front of their toilet. I hated using the bathroom there. I would try to do the whole process with my eyes closed but inevitably I would have to look and then I just couldn’t eat. Party with a whole buffet, no thanks, I couldn’t possible…
Hahahaha! Why do we do that to ourselves?! I’ve actually used this bathroom several times. Each time I could have kept my head down, but no! The sick bastard in me had to look!! 😱😂😩🙈
Laughing, it’s like a road accident. You have to look.
SO TRUE!! So.very.true!
haha why the mirror!!! i have postponed my new year health kick until all the crap food is gone from my house, my meals have been either 5kg of cheese or 5kg of chocolate.
The WHOLE WALL is a mirror! I have no idea why that’s necessary! Yes, I’ve postponed my healthy eating until I’m back at work. When I’m teaching I simply don’t have time to eat. That is, until I get home and eat everything in sight. *Sigh*
My sisters bathroom has a full mirror walk it was the previous owners and you get a full view of yourself in the shower…a bit weird if you ask me! Oh yeah I do that too, ‘I’ve been so good all day I’ll have a Jaffa cake..or 10!’
Ugh! A full view of when you’re in the shower is just as bad!! Gah! Yup, I’m good all day and then something comes over me when I get home! 😂😜😬
Oh no!! this is horrible! I have a WALL of mirror in my bedroom. Like from floor to ceiling, touching the walls on either side. Its just one big mirror and then two strips of vertical lights in the middle. In my bedroom.
Haha. That’s fun too 😂😂😩🙈
Lol so much fun
I am sure!!!!! 😂😂😩😩👌
Bathroom toilet mirrors are the worst!!! You know which mirrors also suck? Portapotty mirrors. I do NOT want to see what kind of miserable degenerate I look like with my pants pulled down squatting over a literal hole of poo along the side of a highway during a sweaty marathon.
UGH! Right?! Most times those mirrors have been destroyed by I don’t even want to know what, so I’ve been lucky with those! I simply can’t stand porta potties!!!! Have you read my post on this’s filthy poo boxes?!
Bahaha yes I have read that post of yours — now you’re inspiring me to write a post about my latest portapotty escapades 😂
YES, GIRL, YES!!!
I love all of your posts….you write with the same sense of humour that I do. I have linked one of your posts with my post. ‘The Devil wears leggings”. Really looking forward to keeping an eye on your posts…..they are really good inspiration.
Thank you so much! I can’t wait to read it!!
Too funny!!!!!
Thank you!
YES THIS EXACTLY. You can weigh a hundred and bread and STILL watch in horror as your thighs spill over the side and your tummy rolls happily join them. Blearghhhhhh
Me and the cookieness got down over the holidays as well. Bow chica NOM NOM
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, I think ANYONE at ANY size would not like how they look on the toilet! It’s just not an appealing place to be 😂😂😂😩😩😩