WTF Wednesday #2

For this week’s installment of WTF Wednesday, it’s all about those dick diets that we all love so much (In no way am I insinuating that a particular body part is for lunch. I am using ‘dick’ like ‘jerk’. Got it?)
If you ever wondered why dieting sucks so much and it’s so damn hard (shit, I really shouldn’t have used the word ‘dick’, because now every other word has another meaning), it’s because diets taste freaking disgusting. 
For real. 
If I could, without guilt or consequence, continue eating marshmallow fluff and Nutella sandwiches for breakfast, till my dying day, I’d be a very happy, agreeable, and stress-free person.
But, because Heaven on Earth sandwiches make me fat and unhealthy, I get to eat unsweetened oatmeal and farty hard-boiled eggs for breakfast now. 
Along with finally trying to get my eating back on track, I’ve recently purchased organic colon cleanse pills and doTERRA Slim and Sassy. 
Because anything that’s quick and easy is my game. 
Let’s start with the colon cleanse. 
Never have these two words together ever sounded like a good time to me. Sure, it sounds like it’s maybe a good idea, because it’s supposed to rid you of the nasty sludge that gets built up in the intestines. But, the actual process of a colon cleanse? 
Just no.
When I bought these pills, I specifically asked if they’d make me poop my pants. I was assured it was a slow, not unpleasant process.
As much as I’d like to share some embarrassing story about how I was lied to and that I did actually crap my pants at school, it’s just not what happened. 
In fact, nothing has happened. Like, nothing. 
Maybe they are magic pills and they cleanse unknowingly, invisibly, magically. Or, I got scammed. 
I could have performed a more successful cleanse by eating from the shady roach coach that parks across from the strip club downtown. 
Next, let’s discuss Slim & Sassy by doTERRA. 
First, I have to make it clear that I am a hardcore fan of doTERRA essential oils. I know and love a couple consultants, and they are why I’m addicted to the amazing Past Tense for my headaches. So, I’m in no way dissing the company at all. 
But, Slim & Sassy is straight up “I’ll Just Stay Fat & Nasty”. 
This morning, I excitedly dropped a couple drops in my water, did a sniff test, and nervously took a tiny sip. 
It’s like your water has been tainted with grass-flavored peppermint grapefruit bark. 
And, now, my brand new “Boss Lady” metal water bottle will never be the same. 
Needless to say, S&S is not my jam.
Not only did it taste just incredibly odd, it mildly burned my lips and then left them numb.
In the middle of my light and sound read aloud, I started slurring my speech and drooling down my chin. 
As a teacher, this is just not a good look.
I don’t think I can stand trying Slim & Sassy again. My gag reflex is activating just thinking about it. Anyone want an almost-full bottle? 
In ending, I’m literally a walking billboard for the fact that almost all diet “tricks” 
The only thing that works is to stop pounding cake into your fat gob as if it were the end of days. 
This is why I struggle, because feeding Bertha* tastes a million times better than tainted water, sulfur eggs, and grass pills that just make my belch-y breath smell like fertilizer. 
*Bertha is my belly 

34 thoughts on “WTF Wednesday #2”

  1. Oh no! That doTERRA experience sounds horrible! (completely unrelated, my wifey got me one of their car air freshener discs for Christmas with some orange smelly stuff to drip on it, and it smells amazing. I don’t have a car so it stays in my bathroom and makes my showers smell nice! haha) I’m not into any diets at all – I think they all fail. Moderation and balance is what I’m all about, even if I can’t stick to it sometimes haha. But diets I think are just designed to fail. You tell Bertha to be nice to you, and give her some fresh strawberries and/or peaches in that oatmeal!

  2. Sorry I laughed really loudly!!!! It sounds like a traumatic time and I think you probably would have had a better experience having male body parts for lunch 😜

  3. Dieting is like giving up the booze & smokes – completely unnecessary to cope in this world.
    In saying that, I don’t smoke – but am addicted to Nicorette gum; drink as little as possible – but still get smashoed when I do; & am usually depressed so don’t eat at all. Totes win-win. In some alternate universe.

  4. LOL! Totally laughing with you on this. I remember my first dick diet (so bad, and yet so perfect a description) was waaaaaay back in the days of the Gloria Stevens fitness center for ladies (gawd, I’m old). They put me on a diet with so much cottage cheese that to this day, I can’t look at it without wanting to revisit my last meal. Why, oh why, does the good stuff taste so bad, and the bad stuff (never tried a flufernutter with Nutella – guess what I’m having for lunch today…LOL) taste so good? *sigh*

      1. Planning on it, but was totally bummed to find an EMPTY (my kids are in trouble) container of Nutella in the cabinet. At least the fluff was full – now the experience has to wait until I can go shopping again. *sigh*

          1. I’ve threatened that when they’re older, and I come for a visit, I’ll eat up their Nutella and leave the empty container behind… they laugh (they’re teens and twenties) and say I’d have to figure out where they live first… 😛

          2. Okay, so I hit the grocery store this morning (yes, on a Sunday – not my best decision) and I grabbed a huge thing of Nutella as my reward. Just finished my first Nutella & Fluff sandwich – OH. EM. GEE! Thank you so much for the pounds I’m about to gain! 😀

          3. Totally! I plan to alternate my peanut butter/Nutella sandwiches with the fluff – I may even go for broke tomorrow, and try laying all three! 😀

  5. OK first of all…I know a lady who had to do the prep for a colonoscopy TWICE because the first round didn’t work. DID NOT BUDGE THE SLUDGE. #colonnightmares
    Second. If that doTERRA stuff worked I’d slam shots of it. Because I am a sad person with issues. LOL
    And third….I have a food baby named Herbert. He totally wants to meet Bertha.

    1. That kinda happened to my mom. Except, the first time the crap they give you to crap, made her sick. She was not a fan of colonoscopy prep 😂. I’m actually going to try taking it in shots of my apple cider vinegar! We really ought to set them up on a date 😂😜😉

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