How in the crap have I been doing WTFWs for eight weeks already?! It feels like just yesterday that I chose to make my bitching a weekly, written thing (I had to distinguish written from spoken, because I vocalize my rants hourly).
Time flies when you’re being a bitch.
Today, my post is going to contain a lot of choice words. Brace yourself. Delicate flowers, you might want to go watch a cat video.
Today is about the “Realization”. You know, when you finally realize you really can have too many cupcakes.
Sometimes, it takes a lot. Sometimes, it takes getting into your car, in a pair of work pants that you haven’t worn in eons, and, as you squeeze into your seat, the button barely holding your pants closed, pops off and pings and ricochets off of every hard surface in your car, before it hits you in the eye, and finally, comes to rest in your fat crotch.
Yes, this actually happened. Except, not to me (my Realization came in the form of a student being concerned about me falling on my belly, because, naturally, it’s got a baby growing in it. That’s why it looks the way it does. FML). It happened to my naturally thin, kick-boxing-obsessed boyfriend after we both gained our happy-to-not-be-in-the-dating-scene-anymore-weight.
After he almost lost an eye to a Dockers Relaxed Comfort button, he thought about losing some weight. And, I shit you not, that’s all it took for him to go back to his Glory Days weight (watch for this to be a WTF Wednesdays rant. Men, the fuckers).
Since I’m not a man, and my body hasn’t magically become a specimen of superhuman genetics, all of my cupcake eating has resulted in some added cushion.
I’ve resorted to, again, getting on the Weight Watchers bandwagon.
Years ago, I was super successful with WW, and lost damn near 50 pounds. I kept it off for close to four years doing the program off and on, and being somewhat resonable with food.
Lately, all semblance of reason has gone out the window. Like, thrown out the window with my good arm.
Thus, why I found myself on Saturday night, paying for three months of WW, while crying into a large Dairy Queen Reese’s Extreme Blizzard (just typing that, I’m fucking salivating and in heat).
This first week I’m treating as a weaning period. Also, I just need some practice not eating everything in sight and I need fair warning for how much I’m going to be starving and dreaming of cake.
The reason I loved Weight Watchers before was that I never felt truly deprived. Yes, my better-part-of-a-half-gallon-of-ice-cream-binges had to stop, but I still got to enjoy the occasional thimble-full of my favorite frozen treat.
I’ve heard that “the fatties are in an uproar” over the new Weight Watchers points system, because it’s very restrictive.
It’s only Tuesday, and I can confidently say, this Fatty is not happy. I’ll be positively starving on the new SmartPoints plan. It’s as restrictive as my no-longer-elastic bra strap.
Here’s what sucks so far:
1. 12 tortilla chips are now five points, instead of three. Salsa and chips are now dead to me.
2. TWO FUCKING TABLESPOONS of my favorite coconut cream creamer are three points. Now, I definitely can’t put my usual half cup into my English Breakfast. My mornings are ruined.
3. This is SEVEN SHITTY POINTS:
These taste like fruit strudel. And, there’s frosting on top. But, these are no good to me anymore. I won’t be wasting seven whole points on a tiny fruit bar that I can down in two bites. R.I.P.
4. The cream cheese chicken chili we are planning for dinner tomorrow will probably be 567 points, without the tortilla chips (I’m too scared to calculate it, so that’s just a rough estimate).
5. And, this:
I.can’t.even. That’s practically half of the points I’m allowed in an entire day.
I might as well just each dirt, or kale, they both taste the fucking same.
Fuck.it.all.
WTF Wednesdays #8
These posts are brill! Love your humour
Thank you!! 😜😊
hilarious post, didn’t understand the points though
Thanks! I was wondering if I should explain the points, but I thought it would deter from the humor. Maybe I should have…
‘just each dirt, or kale, they both taste the fucking same.’ this should be on slogan tee’s hahahahaha!
That sucks, surely if you lost 50 freaking pounds (which is AMAZING btw) on the old system then that system worked fine?! why have they changed it?
HAHA! Right?! It’s all about money. They rebrand ALL THE TIME to get more people on board and to make their faithfuls pay for another program 😒
Poor you. It’s really sad that we have to choose between being fat or happy. I hate natural skinny hitches that can eat their weight in cupcakes and still look like they’re starving lok
I HATE PEOPLE WHO CAN EAT CUPCAKES AND BE SKINNY. Sorry, I’m just being truthful 😜
Yes, me too. I’m jealous. I eat a carrot and gain two pounds
😂😂😂 Girl, I feel your pain! Me too! Or, I merely look at a carrot and I gain weight 😬😩😩😩😩
WOW! I’ve never done the WW thing, but my mom did when I was younger. I always remember the commercials with the lady going “I can eat a whole watermelon!” I wish you luck on your WW journey – maybe sending you a video of a little girl eating whipped cream last night wasn’t the best? *sorry*
LOL!!!!! It’s all good! It works, but it sucks! Thanks!
It sucks, doesn’t it? My husband is naturally skinny too. Sure, he has gained a bit of beer weight, but it seriously takes minimal effort for weight to fall right off of him. I want to stab him in the face with a chocolate covered pretzel stick. I haven’t done weight watchers, but good luck!
Yup. My boyfriend gets a beer belly and then just cuts back on a couple of beers and KAZAAM, he’s lost the weight! Fucker!
All the best in your quest. I have tried diets, somehow I just can’t do the one slice of dry toast with a tablespoon of tuna in the mornings. I may as well eat dirt too. I’ve been stuck at around 220-230lbs for 8 years. You did it once, I’m in your corner pulling for you!
Thank you! I’m just gonna have to get creative!
Some days you may just have to have a cupcake for breakfast and a cupcake for lunch and be done with it! Lol
HAHAHA! YES 😜👍😂😂😂
My husband drinks soda all damn day long and in the 20 something years we’ve been married he’s only gone up one pant size. People like him should go live on an island by themselves so we don’t have to face them.
This is SO TRUE!!! Ugh! My boyfriend can eat candy like a freaking fat kid and gain NOTHING!
Also just noticed WTF? This is your 2nd #7… otherwise known as WTF Wednesday #8! Lol
OH SHIT! 8 weeks!! 😜😂
I just started a meal plan myself and all it’s changed is the fact that I now feel immense shame when I stuff my face with free-office-pastries-and-bagels and I-had-no-time-to-make-dinner-pasta.
I love that kind of pasta!! I feel the same way! The huge positive that comes with meal/eating plans, though, is portion control. I’m terrible at that when I’m not on an eating plan. I’ll eat a pound of pasta if you let me 😂😂
Best of luck to you on this endeavor! I’ve never tried WW…the biggest obstacles being I don’t want to keep up with points and also a lack of self-control.
I totally get that! As hard as the points are to start tracking, once you get the hang of it, it becomes natural. I say that, though, as I eat a piece of cake I’m not counting 😳😵
I’m an all or nothing kinda gal…if I can’t binge-eat the entire half-gallon of frozen custard, I’m not gonna be satisfied with a thimble-full.
So I gave up sugar. And a shit-ton of carbs. And I’ve actually been happy on ketosis for almost a year, now.
Don’t get me started on men and weight loss. Makes me wanna (insert violent thoughts here)
Really?!! Does it really work not eating sugar?! How can I be Fatty McCupcakes while not eating cupcakes?! 😭😭😭😭😭
I’ve gone from a size 22-24 pant to a size 16-18 pant since I started keto in late May of last year.
you’ll just have to make some keto cupcakes, instead.
Wow!! That’s awesome!! What are keto cupcakes??
I make them with a scoop of protein powder, an egg, some almond flour, and melt sugar-free chocolate on top…a very acceptable, low-carb substitute to the real thing.
That doesn’t sound too horrible 😜👍
Fuck Weight Watchers, go keto. I lost 30 pounds gorging on bacon, cheese, and, yes, liquor.
All my food addictions and cravings vanished without even leaving a forwarding address. I know for sure they’re gone because I was attacked by a dog yesterday, went into shock, and realized when I stopped shaking that I didn’t want any food or booze to take the edge off, I just wanted to go to sleep. So, I did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s hard to imagine living without sugar while you’re still doing lines of it on the kitchen table but trust me, once it’s out of your system, the world is your fucking oyster–and you can have all the oysters you want on keto.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/48b0eb2d7198b85cca54785fdcc73cb7/tumblr_nwkd7siaen1uda1z3o1_500.jpg
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OMG.
I’m dying with this comment!! You cracked me up!! I’ll definitely check it out!
Here’s some stuff to start:
ketogenicforums.com (nice people)
2ketodudes.com (they have podcasts on there)
And this guy is hysterical….
I’ll check it out 👍
*When I clicked on the “Fathead” video I posted, it started at the end. I meant to have it start at the beginning; it’s worth watching all the way through. In fact, I think I’ll watch it again right now.
Bahahaha oh Lord, I am dying laughing at the description of the button popping off into one’s crotch!! Also, can you share the recipe for the cream cheese chick chili?? That sounds divine!!!
LOL!! It was hilarious! We still laugh so hard about it. OMG! It’s so easy!! It’s literally chicken breasts, ranch packet, 2 cans each of black beans, Rotel, and corn. Then, you put cream cheese brick on top of it all in the crock pot. You like my detailed recipe?! 😂😂😂
Uh, YUM! Girl, all you had to say was “cream cheese,” and I’m a captive audience haha. Anything with cream cheese is amazing!!
And haha your recipe post is funnier than mine are!!
LOL! I’m planning on making black bean brownies just to basically spoof baked goods with HEALTHY SHIT in them! What for it! And, yes, cream cheese is EVERYTHING 🙌
Black bean brownies rock!!!! Haha those were actually the first thing I baked for Dear Husband (literally on our second date), and I didn’t tell him the secret ingredient until afterwards hahaha.
That’s awesome! I can’t wait to try them!
I would have paid good money to see that button fly around the car interior and come to rest at the warmest part of the seat. The ab workout from the laughing, alone….
RIGHT?! One of the funniest things to have ever happened to someone I know 😂😂😂
Fuck the fucking point system! It’s just deprivation cloaked in lies! No but seriously, it’s better than most diest, it’s just hard to stick with, especially when wine is in the equation.Maybe I’ll join ???
I LOVED doing the points thing back when it was way more lenient. I truly never felt deprived, yet I lost loads of weight. It just goes to show that portion and eating within reason is everything. I suck at both.
Well…if the old system worked, there isn’t any law saying you can’t still use it. The Weight Watchers don’t have their own armed forces…. 🙂
I know, but I’ve misplaced my old book and calculator. They were literally falling apart 😢
eBay…?
Exactly!! To everything that you’ve said! 😂
😜👍👍☺️
LOVE your language!!! I just started ATTEMPTING to be healthier… but it is NOT easy when cupcakes exists… I love those fucking things
UGH! RIGHT?! It’s so.fucking.hard!