Toilet Talk 

When your week goes to poop, it’s only natural to #fbf to when it was worse. Here’s to having some really shitty luck. Literally. 
Nothing strikes more fear into my heart than rising water in a toilet bowl. Even realizing my alarm clock failed me, or discovering I’ve worn my black panties that say, “Only if You’re Lucky” on the ass, with my white skinny slacks, to school doesn’t hit me as hard and sudden as realizing poop water is about to run like Niagara Falls all over my linoleum. 
Am I right? Or, am I the only one who uses half a roll of toilet paper AND forgets to courtesy flush? Surely I’m not the only tool who has felt this cold fear. Surely. 
Let me tell you what is worse than an overflowing toilet onto linoleum: an overflowing toilet onto carpet. Before I move on, can I express my utter disgrace for whoever thought carpet in a bathroom was a good idea? IT’S A HORRIBLE IDEA. 
Years ago, I lived with my boyfriend’s mom. Not only was the bathroom adorned with 80’s-special red counter tops, and gold finishes everywhere, the entire floor was carpeted. It was terrifying. 
How can one confidently use a bathroom with carpet under their feet? Not only did my skin crawl wondering how many pee germs, courtesy of my boyfriend, and God-knows-what creepy crawlies were inhabiting the carpet circling the toilet, but the fear of overflowing the toilet was a very real, daily emotion. 
I’m known among my family and friends as the Toilet Paper Monster. I know, glamorous. Basically, I can easily use half a roll of toilet paper in one trip to the bathroom. My dad says every time, and I’m not shitting you, every time, I come over, “Better make a run to Costco, Katie’s here”. Not funny anymore, Dad. 
I see not one thing wrong with wanting an extra clean derrière. 
Not only was I known, in my childhood home, as one who possibly ate toilet paper-for what other explanation was there-I was a professional toilet overflowerer. All I had to do was yell, “Mom!”, in a panicked tone for her to come, immediately, running with the mop, a plunger, and bleach. 
Well, back to the 80’s bathroom nightmare. After an especially long crappy day (see what I did there?), I was running, pinched cheeks, to the bathroom (what a wonderful visual. I’m trying to make this as minimally unsavory as possible, but we are talking toilet paper and overflowing toilets here). 
After I had done my business and used my usual half-a-roll share, the time came to flush. I stopped. A hot sweat immediately dampened my skin. 
Had I flushed? Did I courtesy flush? 
I looked.
*shudders* 
Nope. 
What do I do? What do I do? 
I’m just going to have to flush and pray. 
OK. Here we go. 
Nope. I can’t do it. Maybe we can just forget about this toilet. It’s a loss. 
No. Flushing has to happen. It must be done. 
*Deep breath*
3, 2, 1, FLUSH
I think it’s going to go down. 
Momentary relief flows through my veins. That is, until…
That doesn’t sound right. Wait. No. 
No, no, please, Lord Jesus, no! 
I jump up-pants around ankles-and whip around to face the pain. 
DEAR GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. 
Bile is rising, my stomach is clenched firmly in fear’s fist, and my mind is blank. 
I’m not here. This isn’t happening. I refuse to believe it. 
Nope, this is very real. What are you waiting for, asshole? 
I frantically lift the top to the tank. I pull the bobber-ma-jiggy, like my exasperated mom taught me. It does nothing. 
Racing against the clock, I get on my hands and knees, onto the ill-fated carpet, and reach for the water valve. 
It’s not going to stop. 
THAT is going to be all over the carpet. 
How will I tell Linda? 
How will I ever live this down? I will forever be The Girl Who Stained My Carpet With Her Poo Water. 
I almost faint. It’s all too much. It’s bare-assed, primal fear. I can only   imagine what the scene would look like if someone walked in. Anyone witness to the mess I was, would immediately be struck blind. *shudders*
With the water shut off, the offensive contents have finally ceased rising. Precisely a millimeter above the edge-the point of no return-it’s stopped. 
I’m stunned, relieved, physically and mentally exhausted, numb. 
With a sweat-lined lip, I mouth, “Thank you, baby Jesus. Thank you”. 
What do I do now? 
The water level wouldn’t allow a plunger, even a mere pube would reverse what my fervent prayers and sweating worked so hard to prevent. 
By the utter grace of God, the water starting draining, and a white bowl dotted with my disgrace started to show. 
I am the luckiest bitch on this planet. 
No one has ever heard my story. It was a very hard, embarrassing story to tell. Maybe my words can help save someone’s dignity, or at the very least, their flooring. 
Public service message of the day: FLUSH BEFORE YOU WIPE AND DON’T EXPECT AN ENTIRE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER TO FLUSH. 
It won’t. 

103 thoughts on “Toilet Talk ”

  1. AHAHAHA! YOU MADE ME CHOKE! ON NOTHING! I CHOKED! And this! “The water level wouldn’t allow a plunger, even a mere pube would reverse what my fervent prayers and sweating worked so hard to prevent.” Even a mere pube!
    Girl, I’m dying…and you are so NOT alone in this! 😀

    Reply

    1. LOL!!!!!!! I’m so sorry you choked, but glad you made it out alive to send me some lovin’. Thank you ☺️👍 Also, glad to know I’m not the only creep who overflows toilets!

      Reply

  2. Too funny. And especially with this happening with carpet!! I always wondered why the hell anyone would still have carpet in a bathroom. Just nasty!

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  3. I was constantly thinking “oh no! Oh NO! OH NOOOOO!!!” While reading! Hehehehe, poor you! We recently looked at a house to rent and let me tell you: It was a fantastic house. Until we looked at the bathrooms. Both with carpet. That was it. No way!

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  7. I’ve mentioned before that we bought a commode SPECIFICALLY because you can flush 22 golf balls at a time. Apparently my intestines hold at least 23. To quote Barney Stintson- CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

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  10. This is so funny! I can tell you have never had a) a septic tank or b) lived in a third world country. I would try either to cure you of your toilet tissue problem. At Cairo Airport you get two sheets handed to you and tough shit if you need more…:)

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  13. LMAO this is gold! I so know that fear….I get the toilet paper thing….and carpet + bathroom = ewww! lol Oh wow I got a really good laugh from this lol thanks for making my day! Very glad we’ve crossed paths…even if it’s in an 80’s bathroom lol

    Reply
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  16. Oh my god. You poor thing! This sounds like the ultimate stressful moment!
    I have an even worse poo story (it is waaay too embarrassing) but I don’t think I’m ready to post it online!!

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      1. I might have a glass of wine later and send it over to you. It involves cutting poo with a knife(!)

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  19. Bwahahaaaa! So this reminded me of 2 things: 1) my dad always used to yell, “Don’t fall in!” as I made my way to the bathroom. In. Front. Of. My. Friends. Because, apparently, once I had fallen in?! 2) because my customers at the studio are drinking while they paint, all sorts of crazy shit happens in our bathroom: https://emilypageart.net/2015/02/06/bathroom-antics-r-us/. At least I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt that the drinking is the cause for their insanity. There’s more in later posts, but this gives you the general idea. I’m thrilled that you were able to avert disaster. And let’s just hope that that bathroom eventually got updated and the carpet was removed, because that’s just wrong on so many levels!

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  20. HAHAHAHA!!! My sisters new house has carpet in the bathroom, so disgusting, however I suppose when you get out the bath or shower and your feet are warm becasue no cold tiles or slipping and cracking your head open! I am a toilet roll monster too, thankfully this has never happened to me! Too Funny…sorry!

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  21. I had to wait until the tears slowed so I could type! My mother-in-law is a paper user of epic proportions. Her bathroom is next to my home office. You can hear when she starts snatching, or otherwise acquiring her supply of paper. It sounds like a small motor running on the wall as the roll spins. Averages a roll daily.
    Thanks for the super laugh this morning.

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  22. Never had carpet in my house of my own accord – I recall a house my parent’s rented in England when I was 6 or so had carpet …I don’t recall any major mishaps lol… And the house we rent now has carpet in the main bathroom. Luckily my landlord has foresight enough to have a square of linoleum flooring directly around the toilet before the carpet starts to cover the rest of the room. Not sure if it’s enough to save the carpet should a major overflow happen… buuut definitely helpful for some leaking or mis-aiming by the boys in the family!

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  23. That’s hilarious (in the “I’ve been adjacent to this situation and am glad I made it out alive” sense)! When we bought our house we were appalled to find carpet in the basement bathroom – who does that?!? The room promptly became a storage space and nothing has been thought of it since.

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  25. Okay, I have wine so I can tell you my embarrassing story.
    It was in Spain at my at-the-time fiancee’s family’s house. Each family we had gone to visit had been incredibly generous and served amazing, meaty foods. It was probably more protein than I have ever had in my life! Tasty, but I need a little more fibre.
    Anyway they just had a new bathroom downstairs in the basement. My tummy felt a little unhappy, so i left everyone upstairs and went down to become one of the first people to christen the new loo. I am not sure how I managed it, but I somehow gave birth to a massive cannon ball of a poop. It was really dense (probably due to the aforementioned protein.) I was pretty horrified by my cannon ball, so added quite a lot of paper to help flush it down. The paper disintegrated around the poop and flushed away, but the poo was too big to fit down the u-bend! I tried again, but after a couple of failed tissue/flushes I panicked, added more tissue then went back upstairs. I was planning to wait 10 minutes, hoping that by then the ball would be waterlogged enough to flush.
    Anyway I got back upstairs and started chatting to one of my fiancee’s cousins…so I didn’t see my future husband slip out to go to use the facilities. (Aaaargh!) A few minutes later he came back and asked to speak to me alone for a moment.
    Once we were out of the main room, he couldn’t stop laughing. Unfortunately he had seen my cannon ball and had been pretty horrified. He’d also attempted to flush it to no avail! He basically told me off for leaving it, gave me a knife , and told me to go down and fix it. I can’t even describe how mortified I was!!
    I have never (before or since) done a cannon ball poop so I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it. But to save you if you ever end up in this situation…you basically have to chop the poop in half, so it can be flushed(!!!)
    So, I chopped it. I then washed the knife several times and (this gets more embarrassing…) I out the knife back into the kitchen draw of my husbands family.

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    1. OMG…I’M ROLLING!!!! How incredibly embarrassing!! I think I’ve had one of those, but it wasn’t like a cannon ball-sized, more just monster-sized!! I actually overflowed the toilet on that one! So, your “then fiancé”. Does that have anything to do with your cannon ball poo?!

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      1. Ha! No. He was obviously impressed by my terrifying bowl movement (or else he forgot about it!?) Now he’s my husband.

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          2. LOL! Hopefully you’ve been able to kind of laugh along now!!! Seriously, that was one of the best horror poop stories I’ve ever heard! I’m still chuckling!

  27. While it’s one of my kids and not me who uses half a roll (and to be fair, if it was me, I’d still blame the kids, because that’s what they’re there for), I’ve had that moment of abject terror, staring down at the bow while trying to mind control the rising poop tide. You have my sympathy. ROTFLMAO!

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  28. Almost threw up. Not because it’s digusting (hell no), but because I laughed so hard I cried. Toilet humor is a staple in my marriage simply because I have to flush before I use the toilet after the hubs has already destroyed it before me. I gotta be sure! And if that water doesn’t go down, he must scurry back in and take care of HIS problem, hahaha! Also, once stopped up my aunt’s toilet in her new apartment as I was helping to move stuff in (I was like, 14?) and I’ve yet to live that down. It’s a shame that never goes away and instead gets bandied around the table during holidays. Yay…

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    1. LOL!! Hopefully you’re OK now 😜. Yup, you NEVER live down a toilet mishap. Never. I also LOVE how every.single.time. I see my dad, he says, “Lock up the toilet paper!” Like, come on!!!! 😂😂😂

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  29. Holy crap, the image of a single pube upsetting the delicate surface tension of the bowl o’ shame. Da horrah!
    PS: Who the FUCK carpets a bathroom? It’s bad enough trying to negotiate a personal deposit around all those gahdammed fuzzy seat covers and tank covers and floor covers (always in pink or powder blue for maximum fecal color contrast) but to have the entire area permanently blanketed with a furry nylon pee sponge should be a class 1 misdemeanor. Makes me wanna go change my socks. Right. Now.
    PPS: I moved into a rental once that had a DARK BROWN cushioned plastic toilet seat cover. With cracks in it. Yeah, that shit was out of there faster than a Republican senator in a whorehouse.

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    1. 😂😂😂😂😂 OMG!!! I think I would have fainted on the spot seeing a padded toilet seat with CRACKS! Nope, nope, and WHAT THE FUCK DOES ONE NEED WITH A PADDED TOILET SEAT?! Do people spend that long on the toilet?! 😂😂😱😱😱😱

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      1. I hear there are people who keep a library of reading material in the bathroom for their pooping marathons. Shit, if I’m on there longer than a minute and a half, sumpin’ ain’t right.

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        1. I actually have reading material in my bathroom, because reading is synonymous with pooping, BUT if I sit longer than two minutes my legs are DEAD. So numb, I can’t feel them. So, it takes me a year to get through one US magazine 😜👌

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  30. Isn’t clogging someone else’s toilet everyone’s worst nightmare??? Or what if it’s just a faulty toilet that already had something wrong with it that your host forgot to tell you about, and you weren’t supposed to use it to begin with? Not speaking from experience or anything, of course.
    I’m glad you made it out of this harrowing situation!!! 😛

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  31. The scene from Along Came Polly just crashed into my head as I read your hilarious words. LOL! Who tries to stuff a loofah down a toilet though? Seriously though, you are so correct that toilets can be your worst nightmare. Thanks for another great laugh, Ms. Katie. 🙂

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  32. Oh my goodness! Hilarious and such a familiar story. I am famous in the family for blocking toilets, I was basically born constipated, my dad says I sh*t bricks! Lol…
    I’ve never had a loo overflow though, the tank and bowl should carry the same amount of water, in the 3 countries I’ve lived, in different continents, it’s never overflowed with an empty tank. Phew! Where are these overflowing toilets? (so I can avoid the place!!)
    I have had to ask for buckets, plastic bags, gloves, and searched for branches in the gardens of friends when I blocked their loos…. Not to mention some public loos where I’ve had to wait till the restroom was empty before I made my exit… The walk of shame!
    My high fat Keto diet has actually fixed the problem this year. At last they’re not bricks anymore!!

    Reply
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