WTF Wednesdays: Black Bean Brownie Botch

I’ve been logging my Weight Watchers points for a month now. Amazingly, I have not yet starved to death. Who would have thought I could survive on less than 80,000 calories a day? 
As much as I’m enjoying not feeling positively disgusting as I eat my way through a large triple cheese pizza, I also miss the days when I would inhale a package of Zingers, or hyperventilate over a warm brownie, smothered in caramel sauce and melting cake batter ice cream.
Last weekend, I went to the Cheesecake Factory with a friend. I had a salad like a good fat girl. Just for shits and giggles, I calculated how many points my favorite slice of cheesecake would be. 
For those of you not familiar with Weight Watchers, just know that a grande Caramel Light Frappuccino is 7 points, so is a 1/2 cup of ice cream. Just for comparison, you know.
Now, are you sitting down? Have you had your morning movement? I wouldn’t want anything unfortunate to happen when you’re blown clear out of your seat. 
A piece of Cheesecake Factory’s Reese’s Cheesecake is 67 mother-effing points. 
(And, it clocks in at a whopping 1,480 calories!) 
I get 37 points for one day. I couldn’t even eat anything else for the entire day and I’d be 30 friggin points over my daily allotment. 
I’m still reeling from this news. It’s no freaking wonder I have an ass the size of Texas. I’ve probably been eating 7,000 calories a day! Who knew things had so many calories! Doh! 
So, in the spirit of eating healthier, I looked into what I could eat/make that would be not so calorie-laden and still a “treat”. 
Also, I’m not gonna lie, I wanted to bake some ridiculous, kale-infused gluten-free, vegan, hipster monstrosity that I could satire the hell out of. 
I searched “healthy brownies” on Pinterest, and this is the recipe I settled on:

Not only do these “brownies” contain black beans, they also call for avocado
Now, let me just say that I’m kind of (and, by “kind of”, I mean I’ve never gotten on the hipster-led bandwagon) over the kale, coconut oil, and gluten-free everything that’s still all the rage. 
I didn’t set out to make these “brownies” because I enjoy, or pretend to enjoy, eating “treats” that are more vegetable than what they claim to be replacing. 
I made these to, hopefully, find an alternative to my usual carb- and sugar-laden goodies that are making me more fat. 
I just want something to satiate that bitch, Martha (my fat gut).
Before I continue, I feel I must point out that I’m not, by any stretch of the word, a photographer. So, I’m definitely not a food photographer. My unfocused, off-center photos were taken with my scratched rose gold iPhone 6. 
Also, I didn’t follow the ingredients exactly. The recipe called for a large flax egg. What in the hell is a flax egg? I know one kind of egg, and that’s egg. 
I also didn’t go out and buy expensive-as-hell coconut oil just to use a teaspoon for this recipe. No, I don’t just have coconut oil on hand. 
I was supposed to use organic, all natural cocoa powder. It says “natural” right on the Hershey’s box of unsweetened cocoa powder (that I already had). So, I felt pretty pleased with myself that I didn’t have to spend half of my paycheck at Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s just to make 12 brownies. 
I had light brown sugar, but the recipe called for dark brown sugar. Again, I deviated from the recipe, but how different could the two be?? 

My “organic” ingredients
After I gathered all of the necessary ingredients together, I readied the tools needed for the job. 

It was then that I realized I hadn’t seen my 8×8 pan in quite some time. In order to see all of the cabinet space where we keep our kitchen appliances, I have to get down on my hands and knees and take a picture of inside the cabinet, due to the positioning of the cabinet, and because I can’t get my massive head inside to look all the way back and to the right. With the picture as my guide, I can blindly reach for whatever I’m after. This is 100% why I never make anything. 

There was no 8×8, but I did spy a muffin pan. After thinking long and hard about my missing 8×8 pan, I realized I have never owned an 8×8 baking pan. That must be why I couldn’t figure out when I last saw it. 
A muffin pan would have to do!
Before I could even get down to business, I somehow knocked the open bag of chocolate chips right into the garbage. I was off to a fabulous start.

The recipe said to use a food processor. I’m not adult enough to own one of those, so I used my Magic Bullet. 

I figured the black beans were the only ingredient that really needed to be processed, despite the fact that the recipe said to process all of the ingredients. I do what I want! 
Mainly, I was more concerned about the black beans, because I didn’t want to bite into a brownie to be surprised by a whole bean. That would have just killed the mood. Amiright? 
The Magic Bullet did a decent job of processing the beans.

This just looks absolutely barftastic, doesn’t it? When is it ever OK to pair avocado and black beans with sugar. I guess when you’re making healthy “brownies”, obviously. But, *shudder* 

After adding the cocoa powder and mixing real well, the batter actually looked and smelled just like real brownies. I wanted to take a little taste, but salmonella. 
Here the batter is, decorated with my garbage can chocolate chips.
I must admit that while they were baking, they smelled exactly like real brownies. I was really salivating like crazy. 
It was divine
Sadly, that’s about as brownie as these “treats” got. 
Ya’ll, these are not brownies. 
They aren’t disgusting, but I will never waste an avocado like this again. Criminal.
Part of why I love brownies is the texture. My favorite kind of brownie is the kind that is almost underbaked (Paul Hollywood voice), so they are chewy, and you can taste what differentiates them from vegetables-freaking gluten. 
Not only was the texture more baked refried bean than ooey, gooey goodness, they were way too dark chocolate-y. 
I told you I was no photographer!

Also, after my first and only bite, I got a bit of black bean skin stuck in my teeth. 
Just no. 
I gave some to my neighbor, because he’s dieting right now. He said he liked them. I’m fairly certain he’s a lying bastard.  
Verdict: Unless you like pasty brownies that are dark chocolatey enough that one bite will send you into a migraine of epic proportions, don’t try this at home. 

57 thoughts on “WTF Wednesdays: Black Bean Brownie Botch”

  1. A flax egg is an egg substitute made of 1 tbsp of milled flax seed and same amount of water. It doesn’t work amazingly well but I once had a colleague allergic to egg so I learned to replace them in almost every recipe… I would never put beans or avocado in a brownie, it’s just wrong. Maybe the fact that I don’t even like beans and avocados in their normal form doesn’t help!

  2. We have a gluten free household for my son and husband, they are suspected celiacs. I’ve been through every damn gluten free recipe known to man, but I refuse to try the black bean brownies. I’m feeling pretty happy that I made that choice.

    1. Yeah. They are not my favorite πŸ‘Ž. Also, I totally get it if you’re a celiac. My bashing on gluten-free things is really only stemmed by people who stop eating gluten, because it’s the latest cool thing to do.

  3. I am dying LOL you bake the way I do. “Hmm recipe calls for chicken stock, all I have is chicken broth. How different can those be really?” OR “Shit, I don’t own a food processor. Babe? Come help me beat the shit out of these ingredients.” This explains why everything I bake tastes closeee to what it probably should but not 100% right.

  4. I loved this, have you checked on your neighbor since you gave them to him? Is he still upright and speaking to you?
    You should get a reward or trophy just for trying those things.

  5. omg i have been wanting to try a recipe very similar to this…! now I know that it’s probably not for me…! your line about the black bean bite at the end made me LOL! thank you for sharing πŸ˜‰

  6. Your pan cabinet looks like mine – every time I reach in there for a pot I feel like Indiana Jones taking that golden statue in Peru. Your pics are great, the brownies look good, but you lost me at ‘avocado.’ Still, I agree with above – you deserve a medal for doing this!

    1. HAHAHA! Yup! I feel the same way!!!! If I take a pan, I have to replace it with something of equal weight and size or the whole operation comes falling down! The avocado was a crazy addition, but I couldn’t even taste it! Thank you, thank you πŸ’ͺπŸ’πŸ»

  7. I’m sorry but every Magic Bullet ever made looks like the world’s most violent penis.
    I ate bacon until I was almost sick last night, dipped in creamed spinach made with two bars of cream cheese. I woke up three pounds lighter. Anytime you wanna hop on the keto wagon, baby….

    1. I was waiting for the Magic Bullet jokes! It’s a very unfortunate name πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Oh, my! That sounds amazing! Even better is bacon on top of a donut πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‚

  8. Your post was hilarious!! My tummy hurts from laughing so hard!!! But all jokes aside, have you tried Carob? It’s a natural chocolate that you can find at most health food stores..just FYI..Good luck, I can’t seem to lose weight to save my life!!!!

    1. Hehe. I’m glad you got a good ab workout! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‰. I haven’t had Carob in so long! I’ll have to try it again. Thank you for reminding me about it! Losing weight is SO HARD πŸ‘Ž

  9. OH my days! i’m sat here crying with laughter after reading this. (Heartless) Not meaning to be heartless I am sorry that they turned out horrid. I’m not allowed gluten and attempted pancakes with coconut not flour, spat it out and threw it all in the bin. Thank you for sharing your experience and I look forward to hearing more. Keep Smiling.

      1. I have gluten free flour as my local store which means I have to make everything from scratch (SO ANNOYING!!!) but at least I can make yummy cakes and pancakes.

        1. Are you in England? There seems to be more and more gluten-free options in the states. Hopefully that’ll be the case where you are πŸ‘. Mmmmmm cake πŸ˜‹β€οΈπŸŽ‚

          1. Yeah from Manchester, Yeah slowly the shops are providing more options but not a lot of choice. Restaurants are worse though. I miss bread the most.

    1. Oh, and if you want a halfway decent gluten-free pancake recipe, try banana, egg and any kind of powdered chocolate you like. (I think that’s what was included. I can’t find the recipe right now 😜). Super tasty.

  10. Ew, black bean skin in your teeth while eating a BROWNIE! That made me cringe. Oy vey. Kudos to you for giving it a try. I do the same thing with “healthy” recipes– I mean, how different can light and dark brown sugar really be?! Also, I have a food processor from my grandma. It is approximately 107 years old. (I made that number up, but it’s super-freakin-old.) I’ve used it once.

    1. “Approximately 107 years old”. I think that’s a very fair estimate! I do that all the time πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Yup, not my favorite brownie experience of all time 😐

  11. Bwahahaha! This is epic! I felt so sad when the chocolate chips hit the floor, as they seemed like the only ingredient that was palatable πŸ˜‚ good on you for not wasting them! They actually *look* really good. But there’s just too much “nope” about the beans and avocado for me. I would totally love you to make a meal for me, your creativity is amazing! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  12. Oh my gosh, once in college our RA’s did a health food thing where they tried to make us guess which brownies were made the regular way, and which were made with health food ingredients. IT WAS SO OBVIOUS! I completely feel you on this bean and avocado brownie nonsense. Thanks for sharing so no one else has to bother trying with this crap.

  13. OK, don’t hate me but I actually liked the black bean brownies….It might be because 1) I love dark chocolate 2) I used mini chocolate chips and 3) I used peanut butter instead of avocado. Peanut butter fixes a lot of these…..There’s a similar recipe with chick peas, PB, and choc chips to make “cookies” that I can justify as a healthy breakfast too. Because BEANS.

          1. I cook that way too. I have a friend who loves my recipes because they’re half-assed and use technical cooking terms like “glop” and “blarsh”

Leave a Reply