Namast'ay Fat

As I was standing in the line at the grocery store, wearing my “Namaste In Shape” tank, I pondered how bad it looked that I was buying two pieces of cake, a bottle of Moscato and a bag of Cheetos. 
I mean, I know people were judging the chubby chick buying, at least, 4,000 calories worth of junk, in a shirt that proclaims she’d rather stay in shape. 
I’d be judging me too. 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not delusional. I know this tank doesn’t magically make me look like a yoga-obsessed health freak. As much as I’d like it to camouflage all of my lumps and bumps, and be the fat person’s version of the magical Cloak of Invisibility, I know it’s not. 

Apparently, my fake look-like-I’m-working-out-with-my-vices-joke pose is the same as my poopin’ face. For shame. Utter fail.

I just like the color and the fit. It doesn’t cling to my stomach and it doesn’t get wedged between my back fat rolls. 
It’s the perfect compliment to my fat pants. 
It just so happens to make a false statement.  Extremely false. A bold-faced lie. 
I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ll just lift my beer and the remotes a few times and count that as my fitness for the day. BTW, WHAT’S WITH MY FACE?

I’ve never been fit. Literally never. I’ve gone from baby fat to teenager fat to adult fat. 
So, as I stood, balancing my evening of fuck-it-I-had-a-bad-week, I got to thinking about all of the ridiculous things I’ve done in my favorite tank o’ lies:
1. Walked to 7-11 to purchase chocolate and peanut butter cupcakes. At least I walked. (If you’ve never had these cupcakes and you like peanut butter, you’ve been majorly missing out.)
2. Stood in line outside at our neighborhood burger and wing stand. Drool stains. No bra. Zero fucks. 
3. Sat on the couch with a paper towel bib as I balanced half a watermelon on my lap.
4. Made a tray of no-bake Reese’s diabetes bars that I hid in my sock drawer and inhaled over the next two days. 
5. Rode the elevator up two flights of stairs to the gym, where I just used the bathroom. 
6. Laid on the couch with Netflix and three beers, not getting up to do the dinner dishes  or even to get first dessert. 
7. Drove, not even two blocks, to mail a letter- a letter officially cancelling the gym membership I had for a year but never used. 
It’s been super fun going over all the fun I’ve had in my trusty tank. Maybe, at some point, before it becomes more chocolate syrup stain than cotton, I’ll wear it to exercise. 
If y’all ever see a shirt that says “Namast’ay Fat”, let me know ASAP. 

72 thoughts on “Namast'ay Fat”

  1. Girl, I wear workout clothes to just lounge around the house. Particularly a pair of gym shorts that are my ride or dies and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I’m not skinny mini but I’m pretty dang content with just maintaining where I am.
    You do you, boo. Wear what makes you comfy and to the devil with the rest of them!

  2. As always, you make me laugh…and my family says I don’t have a sense of humor. Obviously mine is just more sophisticated than theirs lol.

  3. Omg awesome!! I have clothes like that too. On my days off, I will change into my workout clothes, giving myself (and everyone else in the house) the illusion that I will actually do an hour of yoga or a pilates routine from youtube and not just sit on my bed watching non-stop episodes of skin wars (now shameless because you have corrupted me).

      1. Lol yes!! Never confused with lunge clothes! I love the line in parks and rec where the girl says sure running is good for you but “god at what cost?!” Lol. And yes it is soooo good!!

  4. LOL I have that thought all the time- How many people are judging me in my yoga-but-never-worn-to-yoga outfit as I fill my cart with 5 for $2 candy? Sometimes I wonder if I should casually lie out loud, “I’m planning on sharing these!”

  5. You fucking delight me. I bought a shirt that said “bride” on it which for me is very gag-worthy, but that thing is comfortable, and I love to wear it even though I have never been a “bride” Like, I got married in the courthouse and wore black to my champagne toast. But I especially enjoy wearing it when I am having an affair, feels so wrong its right, you know? ( Kidding, kidding) lol

      1. Ahaha! Yes! Oh god, I am totally starting my collection of ironic graphic T’s that have nothing to do with my life or interests “Born in New York” “Proud Vegan” “Feelin 22!”

  6. So funny, you gave me such a laugh despite my migraine. I once offered unsolicited fashion advice to a lady in Walmart considering a purchase. Then I caught sight of myself wearing my bleach stained ‘leggings’ with a torn t-shirt…

  7. You always make me giggle!
    Especially “Rode the elevator up two flights of stairs to the gym, where I just used the bathroom.” Ha!
    The thing is, even if you think you are chubby, you look FAB in the tank top…so it’s not even a lie. No-one is judging you, they are too busy trying to cover their own lumps and hide the candy in their own baskets.

    1. AWWW you’re so sweet, Josy! To be honest, though, I’m a master at hiding my fat in photos. Honest-to-God, you’ll meet me and wonder who the eff the fat chick is πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      1. Nah. I’m pretty sure you’d look how you look! Although SkinnyMcCupcakes wouldn’t as good a name for a blog!

  8. So this just happened. I thought to myself “what the eff happened to her? (You) I haven’t seen a post in a little bit!!! And I went SEARCHING through the blogs that I follow- FIVE TIMES and did NOT FIND YOU!!!! I Swear to the moon I would have never unfollowed you!!! Believe me! There are 16 I really want to unfollow but haven’t because I’m not rude like that LOL and to think someone I adore has disappeared?! What the fuck?! Anyways. You’re back in my life and this was all super odd. But my fave is how you took the elevator upstairs to pee in a gym. CLASSIC!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    1. How weird!!! I don’t think you would have left on your own free will πŸ˜œπŸ˜‚. Yeah…I realized AFTER the fact how utterly ridiculous and lazy that looked. Oops! But, #sorrynotsorry

  9. Too funny! BTW, a β€œNamast’ay Fat” shirt makes more sense….PS, I love the pattern on your bedspread! I have the same pattern on my outdoor-furniture cushions, except in red/white πŸ™‚

  10. I’ve got a few workout tanks which clearly show that I am an upcoming yoga goddess or MMA champ… but they make no promises LOL So when I lounge slumped over letting my belly bulge out while I litter cookie crumbs all over my chest and couch – No one can dispute my tank which says such things as “The night is dark and full of terrors” or “28” LOL

  11. You could just find some spray paint and tag the I in FiT into an A…. problem solved….. Or you can hire me to come chase you around the world, i am super fit I run with a 5kg dumb-bells ….one in each hand, not the beer bottle and remote control I dont know what that is lol… anyhoo you could an A for being comfortable in your own skin cheers

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