Random Why Wednesday

Why do I have all the time in the world to binge watch shows on Netflix, play Words With Friends, and spend hours scrolling through a comment section on a video about rat tails as a hairstyle, but when someone mentions working out, I’m all, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
Why do bank tellers and cashiers ask people what their plans are for the night or weekend? I really don’t want to tell you my only plans for the entire weekend are to not shower, eat an entire pint of ice cream, and work on a Thomas Kinkade puzzle, OK? SO, QUIT ASKING.
Why do people pick their noses in their cars like we can’t see them? Your windows are tinted, not translucent.
Speaking of cars, why do I still worry people know I’m talking to myself when I could easily be speaking to someone on the phone through the Bluetooth in my car?
Why you no share our Facebook Friendsaversary? I don’t care we’ve only been friends for two months. CELEBRATE IT.
Why does IKEA shape their rugs like squatty penises, and when will I eventually unsee a penis rug every time I look at it?

Why do I recently sound like I’m giving birth when getting into bed every night? It’s like the weight of my day is being expelled from every pore and orifice and I need to be really vocal about that.
Why do I feel the need to take 18 different vitamins every day like they will somehow counteract the 20 Hershey Kisses, three bags of popcorn, and two pounds of pasta that I eat on the daily?
Why was I not born a Pygmy three- toed sloth?
Why is collecting enough Bath & Body Works hand soap for all of humanity to wash their hands for all eternity more important than paying my debt down?
Why are there always umpteen old people in every aisle at the grocery store when you’re running late?
Why did I look like this when I was 12…

…but twelve years olds today know how to contour their faces and draw on an expert-looking set of eyebrows? SHIT AIN’T FAIR.
Why are my leggings always inside out when they come out of the laundry when I put them in right side out? WHY? HOW?
Got any burning questions you’d like to share? Have any good answers for mine? Share in the comment section, because sharing is caring (unless it’s lice, the clap, or something you want me to eat that you touched with your bare hands).

39 thoughts on “Random Why Wednesday”

  1. Well. I’m going to see penis rugs every time I go to Ikea, now. So, thank you for that.
    Also, why the fuck DO twelve year olds know how to contour?! Why do they get to skip the awkward coming-of-age stage (that I may or may not still be in at almost-thirty)?

    1. THANK YOU. I am totally in said awkward-coming-of-age stage!! STILL. And, these assholes, who were born yesterday, know how to do a better wing tip than someone who’s been practicing since before they were bloody born!!! GAHHHHH.
      Also, you NEED a penis rug. Go get you one, girl.

      1. OMG!! Please allow me to recommend to you the Vamp Stamp! It’s a winged eyeliner stamp that, by the gods, ACTUALLY WORKS. Let twelve year olds who don’t have to worry about being late to work worry about shit like PRACTICE and SKILL. This shit has shaved a good fifteen minutes off my makeup routine (when I bother wearing makeup, anymore). Extra sleep > Redoing my eyeliner five times.

          1. It does depend on the eyeliner you use. I’ve had mixed results with my organic/vegan/made-from-the-farts-of-fairies-because-my-eyes-are-that-sensitive liquid liner. But, the eyeliner they sell to use with them works pretty damn well, if you ask me. And it does take a little practice to figure out positioning, but even so–HUGE time saver!

  2. I am with you about the 12 years getting to skip the awkward stage, THAT AINT FAIR!! My mom thought I should have a perm. A PERM!! I already had curly hair, what the hell was she thinking?? “Hmm, my daughter isn’t ridiculous enough looking, standing at 5″10 and weighing 90lbs. Let’s give her a white girl afro to go with it”

    1. DUDE. I got a freaking perm too! Did you catch my post about it?! It’s why I looked like a Looney Tune-wearing poodle beast during most of my formative years πŸ˜†πŸ˜©.
      Also, tall girls UNITE πŸ‘ŠπŸ»βœŠπŸ»

  3. cashiers asked what you have planned for weekend. or any other silly question because if we get a mystery shopper in, that’s part of it and we have to make conversation in order to get points for it.

    1. That makes sense, I guess! I just HATE the fake interest in my life. 99.9% of the time cashiers don’t give two fucks what I’m up to when I leave their store πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

  4. Haaaa! First of all- fuck every twelve year old on the planet who knows the secret to looking like 25 year old 12 year old. Fuck them ALL. All that makeup will have them looking 65 by the time they’re 25 anyways so HA!!!!! Also, am I the only one who notices that kids are now getting braces like by the age of 7? In my times, they weren’t allowed to get them till like 13-14. Fuck their contoured faces AND straight teeth. Also- I want a penis rug. NOW. Thank you. And bankers are assholes LOL like save your small talk and give me my money. Bitch. And don’t raise your eyebrows every time you look at your screens and see my negative balances. I am standing RIGHT there. I can see. And you don’t know me! You think I WANT to have expensive habits that I will literally DIE without?! Can a diabetic live without insulin?! NOPE. So don’t sit there and judge my Starbucks addiction. It’s the same thing. Their pancreas (pancreA?) (pancreas-Es?!) don’t work without insulin and my brain don’t work without coffee. Boo-yah.
    Anyways. This was fun. And
    Happy New Years my friend!!!!!

    1. BUAHAHAHAHA. I love you. You get it, lady. You.get.it. I’m actually APPALLED at how young youngsters are allowed to grow up. I wasn’t allowed to wear real makeup outside the house until I was a freaking freshman! What really gets me is kids as young as 7 and 8 dying their hair!! Their innocent baby hair is being RUINED! It’s true, though, these pre-teens are just pre-aging themselves! I’m also slightly jealous that 12 year olds have better makeup skills than me πŸ˜‚πŸ˜†πŸ™„

  5. Why do I have to think of Penis Rugs at Ikea now? Actually, I think I want one. Thanks, And why are you dissing your 12 year old picture? I think you were pretty and I could imagine us as friends.

  6. Haaahaa another great post and those 12 year old know how to contour because they’re watching the Kardashian’s all week. Let’s not go there. Anyways, it pisses me off every time I do my laundry, a sock is missing. So now an entire pair is gone. I know it’s silly, but it really irritates meπŸ™„ πŸ˜‚

  7. It’s sort of depressing that 12 years olds are already looking so flawless. It shows they are already sucked into their social media bubble and have to show their best look all the time. I feel bad that they can’t just relax, have a giggle and think about kissing lads without having to worry about sexting.
    Imagine being a teenage virgin. You can probably access porn really easily, so they might think that all adults have sex like that. I am sooooo grateful I grew up before that so I could learn the slow/fun way.

    1. You are soooo right!! I think it’s kind of a sad world for young people right now. I’m REALLY glad I grew up awkward, because it means I didn’t have access to porn too early nor did I have the pressure to look flawless!

  8. HA! These are all fundamental questions, but the truth is, I just don’t know what the fuck is going on or why rugs from IKEA are shaped like a penis. Actually, after reading this, I am super confused and am wondering why I wasn’t born as a three-toed sloth as well. Like, what? So, I’m gonna go now, eat the ice cream in my freezer and try to unsee that penis and figure out why I am who I am and not a sloth. My head hurts.

  9. Why are my leggings always inside out when they come out of the laundry when I put them in right side out? WHY? HOW?” hahahahahahaha! For some reason you havent been showing up in my reader! WHY!! HOW!! WHY! lol

  10. Today’s twelve year-olds are the WORST. I was also super weird-and-awkward looking when I was twelve, too. Half the twelve year-olds today look better than I do TODAY. What is with that? Fucking internet.
    Here’s one from me: Why is it that I never want to take a shower, but when I get in there, I’m like, “Oh my God, I’m never leaving. This is so nice. Why don’t I shower more often?”

  11. There is a reason clothes turn inside out – it has to do with the way they are sewn together. Like, technically, we wear our clothes inside out… something like that.
    Cashiers never ask me my plans, but why do they ask if I found everything? Seriously? You are finally ringing me up, and if I tell you what I’m missing, you want to direct me to the far corner of the store and go back to the end of the line? I know they have to ask, but it’s so pointless!
    …stores should have someone stationed right before the lines, so they can ask that question before I waste 20 minutes in line.

    1. That’s so true! I might say someday when I’m feeling feisty, “You know, actually…I really need *insert item that is the furthest from register*. You think someone could get me one? Or, can you hold on while I go get it? I’ll only be a second!” RIGHT!!! πŸ™„

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