Zumba, Zumba

You know, I really ought to finally give up on my dream to be a surprise breakout dancer.
I never learn from past fails, because time goes by and I forget all about when I was drunk dancing and thought I was the sexiest, smoothest dancer on the dance floor, but then I see the video one of my asshole friends took and I just look like a meth head really enjoying some fresh meth*.
THEN, I see a movie, like The Greatest Showman, and BAM! I’m determined to be the next America’s Got Talent breakout star.
I’d totally be a viable contender on Dancing With the Stars, too, except:
I’m not a star.
I have as much rhythm as a flag pole.
My body is entirely incapable of quick movements.
Well, since I have dance-shame amnesia, I took a Zumba class with a friend on Sunday. The only saving grace this time was that said friend is just as coordinated as I am.
Not surprisingly, we claimed a spot in the back corner, behind some old mats and a mop bucket. Absolutely not in front of the mirror and definitely not where anyone else could see us.
The class started out promisingly well, because they turned the lights off and added some strobe effects. Even better to disguise ourselves.
As soon as the music came on, the instructor busted out moves straight from a Shakira/Rihanna/J. Lo/Zendaya collaboration music video, choreographed by the dance gods.
Uhhhhh.
Back when I first did Zumba in Elko, the instructor would teach us the steps. I think she figured we were all inept, or maybe Zumba used to be more about actually learning a few moves versus trying to mimic a professional dancer with our strange, not-even-close movements.
Honestly, I think Zumba is now all about the instructors really feeling themselves and not caring that the fat chick in the back is 20 steps behind and looks exactly like Tina Belcher from Bob’s Burgers.

My friend and I just looked at each other and laughed, like, “NOPE!”
We tried (for awhile). We really did, but my hips do lie and they are never going to be mistaken for the hips of a gay Latin Zumba instructor.

During one of the songs, the group shifted so that half of the room faced the other half. Pretty quickly, I realized that we were taking part in a dance off.
Oh, hell no. Nope. NERP.
Not only did we have to engage in a dance off, the instructor started pointing at people, which meant, “OK, now let’s ALL look at this ONE person while they do a made up move they they come up with RIGHT ON THE FUCKING SPOT.”
I almost hyperventilated and fainted from fright right there.
For self-preservation purposes, I stood right behind a woman who looked like she knew what she was doing. I was literally on her heels and mimicking her every move so as not to be seen. I’m fairly certain a bead of her sweat flew straight into my eye, but it was worth it to not be called out.
Eventually, the asshole instructor was done giving the inept people cardiac arrest and the *dancers* moved back to their original spots.
That’s when I noticed him.
Now, I must preface what I’m about to say with the urging that I’m not making fun of this person. I’m really not. He just looked like the opposite of someone who would be at Zumba on a Sunday. This just goes to show that even when you look like you’d be the absolute worst twerker, you can really surprise people with your expert booty popping.
So, this awesome guy…he had curly, but thin-on-top hair and coke bottle glasses (on purpose). He was chubby, but it looked really good on him. He had on one of those “Straight Outta…” shirts.
I really wanted it to say “Straight Outta Nachos”, but when I finally got a good look, it said “Straight Outta Rehearsal”. That’s not even half as awesome.
He also could move his body in the most amazing way. I was jealous and felt instantly self-conscious. He was truly glorious and I was just a sack of potatoes rolling down a steep staircase.
I think what this all boils down to is that when you’ve got it, you’ve got it. When you don’t, it’s time to quit embarrassing yourself at Zumba.
*I have no clue what being on meth is called. Is it a trip? A high? Help me out, people.
The following are some really blurry stills from a video taken during the wine walk. We were dancing in a cage, if that’s not immediately obvious. It was the direct opposite of talented or sexy. In fact, we’re only allowed back if we promise not to drunk dance ever again.


76 thoughts on “Zumba, Zumba”

  1. Loving the image of you looking Tina Belcher from Bob’s Burgers haha! Also, what the fuck is with the dance off?! Now I love dancing, but in a class like that? Get to fuck.

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    1. Seriously!!!! Leave dance offs to the damn professionals!! I think everyone in that class lost a few years off their lives after that bullshit stunt 😂😂. I’m basically Tina Belcher 😂😂😂❤️

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  3. Hilarious as always… I had a brief urge to go to a Zumba class once but got over it pretty quickly when I realised that people would actually have to see my dance skills and may be put off by it… The frog in a blender look isn’t part of their routine I think…

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  4. We used to have a Kinect and I got into an exercise phase, so my husband went out and got the Zumba workout for it. I did it exactly once. I didn’t even finish the workout. Who the fuck can actually do that? No. Oh hell no.

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  5. You’re going to die with this story but middle school was the era of the booty dancing (like hardcore hydraulics and uncle al, and just really really inappropriate music that I’m not even sure how I was allowed to listen to but anyways) in this era, groups of kids turned themselves into “booty crews” these crews were boy crews, girls crews or co-ed and we weren’t kidding I mean each crew had its assigned name, t-shirts the whole nine and we would all partake in “booty battles” meaning DANCE OFFS but like- pure nasty twerking kind of dance offs- and usually this happened on Friday nights the roller skating rink because there was a stage. I was part of a crew called the KKK which we didn’t thoroughly think through at 13 years old and it stood for: the kitty kat krew. So help our souls. anyways this one time, some girl kept picking on me and really just LOOKING for a fight for who knows WHAT and I was just so fed I said ENOUGH, and I Called her out for a dance battle LMFAOOOO I went home and I was bitching and complaining to my aunt about this girl and how she wants to fight and my aunt was like SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA Do?! I was like well. We are gonna have a dance battle! Yea my aunt nearly lost it and practically peed on herself laughing. To this day every time I get angry she’s like HEY FUCK IT LETS HAVE A DANCE BATTLE LISA!!! (My fam calls me Lisa lol) yea. You just reminded me of this!!! So I’m dying lmfao!!!!!!! Katie at least you tried girl! No regrets!!

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    1. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OMFG. You’re right-I’m dying over here 😂😂😂 Your group name!! JEEZUS 😂😂😂😂. Also, I think dance battles are FAR better than girl scrapping, because that shit gets nasty!

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    3. oh SHIT that was funny @ely! I’m gonna use that next time someone wants to pick a fight (um that happened to me once in middle school, but ya never know — grannies get wild too!)

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  8. Girl – don’t you EVER!!! and I mean EVER!!!!!! give up your dream of being a dancer. Don’t you dare do it!
    Also: this was so funny! I’m the same way in Zumba classes but I love them. Over the summer, my work family had an open house for the father’s clinic and there was a Zumba class and I just jumped right in. I don’t care may – let your freak fly!
    But then I am a full supporter of dancing whenever and where ever you can. Who doesn’t love dancing?!
    Ps: You need to find and buy the shirt “straight outta nachos” or cupcakes. Straight outta cupcakes would work too.

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  9. Hahahahaha! So, I own a dance studio, (I teach ballroom, latin swing etc) But AM TERRIBLE at Zumba! And also Dance Dance Revolution. lol

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    1. WHAAAAAAT?! How did I not know this!! That’s hilarious!! At least you can Foxtrot with the best of them! I can’t even do that. In fact, I’m saving an hilariously inept night of dance with my boyfriend story for my book. It was SCARY 😂😂

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  10. I did Zumba for a brief time. There was this amazing teacher at the Y, back when I went there. She so broke it down. Like a step at a time for the challenged, ie all of us. It was the Y after all. Then she went on vacation. The sub. Oh god. The sub.
    I was done.

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  11. Hahaha! You tried!
    I have avoided Zumba forever because I lack the gift of co-ordination but this reminded me of a time I went to a Step class (don’t do it, don’t ever do it). There was no space for me and a step at the back of the class so I ended up at the front, facing massive floor to ceiling mirrors. I was going in the wrong direction for the whole class and kept distracting myself with my reflection in the mirror like ‘who is that idiot going the wrong way’ ..’oh thats me!’ too busy looking at my reflection and trying to correct my direction of movement by looking in the mirror, I misjudged my step up and tripped over the step which flipped over sending me into a heap in front of the mirror with a burst nose. Not one of my finest moments!

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  12. I don’t think there’s enough money in the world that could get my jiggly backside into a Zumba class. The fact that you’re even brave enough to go makes you a superstar.

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  13. You’re killin’ me smalls…you are so freaking hilarious! BTW, I too, joined Zumba..not sure why I thought 9 am on a Saturday was a good idea. Why is it I’m super cool dancing in my kitchen, but look like a chubby whirly-gig in Zumba class? Sigh…

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  14. For the record, my idea of dancing is holding someone close, shuffling my feet, and grabbing their ass. Not this weird, arms-flailing, feet kicking, butt bouncing stuff…so when I got to watch a few, brief moments of a Zumba class once, it was enough to motivate me right into the pool to swim laps.
    I used to totally kill it in Dance, Dance Revolution, once I figured out I could use a standard game controller instead of my feet. I had THUMBS of solid steel, I tell ya!

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  15. I tried Zumba once. ONCE. I felt like a fucking moron. Now, I can polka, waltz, swing dance, disco, and salsa with the best, but Zumba? That shit reminds me of ’80’s super-pumped aerobics. Nevah again.
    Had I been at work eating lunch today (I took today off), I woulda laughed and blurped my avocado-and-hard-boiled-egg lunch all over my computer screen. IT would NOT have been amused.
    High-larious as always!

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  16. This is hilarious!
    Zumbalarious . . . how’s that?
    Not sure what it’s called when you’re feeling the screaming daisies whilst on meth. But then, I was never in a punk rock band, lol.
    Peace and drunk dancing

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  17. Omg. You would have LOVED coming to zumba with my friends and I! We used to hide at the back, and we were all terrible to start with. The thing is, after you go for quite a few weeks (like, more than 6) you start to learn some of the dances and feel like less of a plonker. But our instructor would teach us the moves before adding them into the dance so it was easier.
    If the instructor didn’t teach the moves, then it sounds like she was a bit of a rubbish instructor for newbies. I’d find a different class and let your inner-zumba-star shine!
    It wasn’t you being rubbish, it was the instructor failing to help you reach your dance-goals! You CAN be the “straight outa” dude!!

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  18. I took a Nia class that was similarly painful. I only do Zumba in the privacy of my own home or my equally awkward friend’s living room. People get hurt when I’m let loose in any kind of dance/excercise class these days.

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      1. There’s a general flailing of limbs that can result in bodily harm to the people around me. It has nothing to do with all the knives and guns and poison I’m carrying while I exercise, I swear.

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  19. I have a career for you over here in Asia. I live in China, but in Taiwan (tropical, beautiful weather) you will see scantily-clad women dancing in the windows of shops. They just dance and dance trying to get the attention of the men on the street. When they do turn someone’s head, they lure them closer to sell them betel nuts.
    All that dancing and sensuality is just to sell some nuts. Betel nuts give you mild high when you eat them, but they turn your teeth black.
    You could dance all day and get paid for it.

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  20. Zumba sounds like an interesting experience! I like the sound of that guy – getting into it and not giving AF! his t-shirt sounded awesome! I might have mentioned before, but many years ago I used to do a class at my local gym called Body Combat which was like cardio with martial arts moves. One evening I went and it’d been cancelled and this “more mature” women was running a substitute class called “free dance” which was exactly what it says on the tin. She put some music on and told us to move in whatever way we wanted. I felt like I was in a Thriller video what with some of the moves busted out that evening! But, when I look back on it now I think it taught me a lesson in just doing what felt right for me and not caring what others think!
    Love your cage dancing! I see the wine walk went well! 😉

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    1. Just reading the words “Free Dance” gives me heart palpitations. It’s 100% my self consciousness that is holding me back. I think I’d have escaped that class first chance I got.
      I was so impressed by him!
      Wine walking was a riotous shit show as usual 😂😂

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  24. U made me laugh leaving tears in my eyes. Like literally. Something like this happened to me at my trial class. I stood right at back so that I don’t face the mirror. Can’t forget that sexy bitch teacher asked me to come in the center. she didn’t even teach the moves and started dancing and her favorite students copied exactly like her. I was like looking in the mirror and getting embarrassed😑 Have never thought of Zumba again. Plus I strained my feet.

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      1. Yeah and some slim girls showing off their moves. I saw myself in the mirror going off beat and have dropped my idea on dancing 😝

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  25. I laughed out loud… I think the Zumba instructors might be specifically instructed to make the rest of us feel like we have some SERIOUS work to make it along…

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