I Can’t Be Allowed to Adult Unsupervised

Somehow, someone deemed me fit to be an adult.
WHO APPROVED THIS?
Someone in the Adulting Main Office must have had no more fucks to give the day I was being reviewed. So, when my file came across their desk, they just stamped “ADULT”, without even reviewing it and, thus, allowed my incompetent ass to slide right through into fully verified adulthood.
That’s the only way I can figure I’ve been allowed to adult for this long. I’m wholly unqualified.
If the garbage disposal confusion wasn’t evidence enough (I never knew it wasn’t meant to ground up fully intact foods, like an entire chicken breast), I reckoned they’d figure me out when I failed to ever check my engine oil. On more than one occasion in the not-so-distant-past, the service station attendant has had to deliver the shocking news, “Ma’am, you have no oil. Like, none.”
I knew the Adulting police had to bust me for not owning an ironing board and ruining my kitchen table trying to hastily iron a dress for a wedding I was running late for, because I was playing Words With Friends, instead of watching the time.
Yet, no one has come to revoke my Adulting license.
HOW CAN THIS BE?
Had someone interceded, or, at the very least, monitored my every day Adulting charade, perhaps I’d have learned that leaving a candle burning for too long is not only a fire hazard, but a smoke stain disaster waiting to happen.
HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?
I wanted to get rid of a winter-themed candle from Bath & Body Works that I have in my bathroom, because spring is bound to show itself eventually.
I figured I’d let it burn for an evening and I’d be well on my way to having room for my spring-appropriate bathroom candle (this is a very important thing, obviously).
What I found when I went to brush my teeth for bed was nothing short of shocking.
First, the candle was on fiiiiiiiiiiya. Like, duh, it was burning, so fire. But, it was raging. It was also hot to the touch (and on the top of a cabinet), so I’d have to stand on the toilet to blow it out.
Because I didn’t want to rip the toilet out of the wall, I sort of stood and half-leaned with my right hand on the bathroom counter.
At this awkward position, I couldn’t really get at the top of the candle to blow the son-of-a-bitch out appropriately.
I decided one, quick stand on the toilet to blow it out would have to do the trick. Crossing my fingers for the safety of my toilet, I stood, blew, and was thanked with a splatter of hot wax all over my face (how it didn’t splatter the wall really just explains how things go in my life).
On the way down, I noticed the wall above the candle looked curiously dark.
When I looked closer, I realized the wall next to the candle was also a nice shade of charcoal.
As my gaze widened, my shock went much like this:
First, I was all:

Then, I was like:

And, finally, I went:

(I wanted these all to be gifs, but my WordPress app wasn’t having that for some reason.)
The candle I had burning for hours, spit out a coat of black soot on all four walls and the entire length and width of the ceiling.

The offending candle. My mom says only cheap candles coat entire rooms with soot. Hmmm. What do you have to say for yourself, Bath & Body Works?
In panic mode and since I’ve been binging on Nightmare Tenants and Slum Landlords, I quickly wet a rag and went to town wiping off every square inch of the bathroom walls and ceiling. I can’t ever be confused for the disgusting pigs that destroy other people’s property.
After cursing, re-wetting and wringing-out a now black rag, scrubbing furiously, and basically having a FREAKING heart attack for a good half hour, I felt my bathroom had been returned to its former glory.
I sheepishly went out to the living room, sweaty, covered in soot, and sat calmly on the edge of the couch. I turned to my boyfriend (WHO WAS MERRILY WATCHING TV THE WHOLE TIME) and asked him if I was the only 30-something who didn’t know burning a candle for too long would turn a small, confined room into the inside of a chimney.
He just responded, “Baby….how did you not know that?”
I DON’T KNOW.HELP.I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.

If anyone reading this has some pearls of wisdom they think I need, please, share them in the comment section. I need all the help I can get.

74 thoughts on “I Can’t Be Allowed to Adult Unsupervised”

  3. I have zero pearls of wisdom. You’ve come to the wrong place for that, but what I will say is thank fuck for your blog. It is so comforting hearing about another “adult” bluffing their way through adulthood. I’m equally a pretend adult and what’s scary is that I have a small person in my life, that looks up to me as if I’m some kind of responsible fully fledged adult. My life = winging it each and every day.

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    1. Thank fuck for YOU, too, because I know I’m not alone!! From what I see way over here, you’re doing just great! But, I also appear to be a real adult too 😂😂😂

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      1. You do like, the world’s most commendable job ever. You teach! You definitely seem like you’re doing just great to me too, but yeah thank fuck we’re not the only ones who feel like frauds.

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        1. AWWW!! I think I use all of my Adulting abilities for my job and then I have none left over for the rest of my life. Thus why I burn candles for too long and almost char every surface of whatever room it’s in. I mean, we can’t be responsible ALL the time!

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          1. I hear ya. This is why, right now, instead of working from home, I’m currently watching episodes of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Priorities, my friend. Priorities.

  4. I’ve done the same damn thing! For the same exact reason . . I just wanted to get rid of the candle. Thankfully mine didn’t go up in flames . . as redundant as that sounds. But . . it was hotter than the surface of the sun and I ended up pouring warm water into it WHILE telling this inanimate object to go fuck itself. I war on inanimate objects, for some reason.
    Hilarious as always FMC!
    Peace

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  5. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear 🙁 What can I advise? I am still a fledgling adult albeit a retired one. My father, bless his Soul, as a REALLY retired person of mature age nearly burnt our house down when he put the electric kettle on the gas stove to make a cup of tea. What can I say? Clearly the standards of the AMO (Adulting Main Office) have slipped badly and it is letting loose adults who have never been approved to BE adults. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

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  6. Hmmm….I also had no idea that burning a candle for too long was a NO, NO….but, I’m a 30-something who runs out of gas at least once a month and I’m not even kidding, so I have no words of wisdom I can share.

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  7. Sorry, can’t help ya. I once had a pretty pine candle that I put on the tv. It looked nice there. Then I left it burning when I went to make dinner. Smelling plastic, I dashed back to see that the hot glass had melted a 5″ hole in the top of the tv! Fortunately (or not), the tv was still functional and the house didn’t burn down. But we had to leave the candle glass there forever, just to cover the hole. Moral of the story: you are not alone!

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  8. I received my adulting license but have never been charged any fees so I just say it’s someone else’s problem until they realize their mistake and come to fix it. Maybe one day they will realize their mistake and then either take the card away or force me to pay all the back-dues before letting me continue on being an “adult”

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      1. You’re not an Idiot. We all have to learn through trial and error. I changed when my cat literally stood behind a lit candle and I didn’t want to watch him burn up. No more regular candles for me and my fur-children.

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  11. This is hilarious mainly because I did the exact same thing in my (admittedly vile) pink-tiled downstairs bathroom last week! The walls, the ceiling, the window still, the back of the door… I still can’t understand how one small candle can cause such much carnage! So I completely sympathize and would like to revoke my adulting application too…

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  12. I picked up a couple electric candle warmers and those small plastic wax scented melts. They look like square mini egg cartons. I use the candle warmer to melt the wax in the jar candles and pour the melted wax into saved plastic mini containers.
    I store my little wax blocks in mason jars. I love those warmers. No wick, soot or worry about fire.

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    1. I used to sell Scentsy! I used to LOVE them! It seems the scent doesn’t last as well now. And, there’s just nothing quite like the light of a candle. But, yes, those are pretty awesome!!

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  14. Here’s a rule of thumb for how long to burn a candle: the max allotted time (in hours) to burn a candle is equal to the number of inches wide said candle is. For example, if your candle is 3 inches wide, then you shouldn’t burn it for longer than 3 hours. If you don’t have a good eye to determine how big an inch is, the space between the knob on the base of your thumb and your first knuckle of your thumb is roughly an inch.
    Hope this helps!!

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  15. I have been burning (and making) candles for nearly two decades. Any candle will cover nearby walls in soot if left too long (because as you learned, the flame gets bigger). You should never, ever, under any circumstances leave a candle burning unattended, for the obvious reasons you just learned.

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      1. Lol! Fun candle fail story: Did you know fire burns hair? Because apparently 12-year-old me didn’t.
        I was doing my homework and had a candle burning in the windowsill in front of my desk. I set my pencil down for a second and it rolled back behind my desk. Me, being the genius that I am, went, “NO!” and lurched forward to peer down behind the desk (instead of, you know, just getting out of my chair and kneeling under it to retrieve my pencil). I leaned my forehead right into the flame of the candle and burned off a chunk of my hair. I wasn’t hurt, I pulled back pretty quick, but I had this little tuft of hair right at the front of my head that stuck up as it grew out. No amount of hair gel could tame that shit, either. It stuck pretty much straight up and out for two months until it was long enough to clip back.
        And that’s why we’re always careful with our candles. XD

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        1. OMG 😂😂😂😭😭😭😂😂😂😧😮😮😮😮 I’m sorry I’m laughing at this, obviously, not fun hair period, but that’s HILARIOUS! Really though, I don’t burn candles a lot, because I’m so scared I’ll burn the house down. Then, I’ll wonder how many of my neighbors burn candles and I need a Xanax to calm down!!

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          1. Oh, no, laugh. It was fkn funny. Even I laughed when it happened because I was like 12. What 12 year old shoves their FACE into a BURNING CANDLE? Hopefully by then you’ve learned Fire=Burny Ouch Pain. It was ridiculous.
            One of my friends offered me twenty bucks to spike it, but I knew he didn’t actually have any money so I told him to fuck off.

  17. Here’s my advice. When you fail at adulting, build a fort out of pillows and blankets and hide and hope that the rest will just work itself out. See? I’m totally winning at this adulting thing.

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  19. Come and talk to me when you create a fireball in your living room who-ha! I can reach new lows in incompetence 😆

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  22. I truly feel you LOL me and my dish washer get into a fight every other day, sometimes I forget to feed myself and then some days I overfeed myself. Don’t even get me started on the financial aspects. Some days I just like WTF I know my license says I’m 27 but I’m pretty sure I’m 12. HELP.

    Reply

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