I have missed complaining about how fat I am (while doing fuck all about it) so much. So much.
I’ve been pretty focused on my travel posts, because of my trip coming up (in two months-cue the obsessive worrying about literally every possible eventuality), that my I’m-a-failure-at-adulting-because-I-can’t-be-assed-to-put-my-registration-sticker-on-my-license-plate-for-four-months-until-I’m-pulled-over-and-I-eat-entire-tubs-of-Cool-Whip-in-one-sitting posts have kind of been put on the back burner.
But, good news (or not, depending on who you are) I’m finally getting around to trying to lose some weight before my trip, so I’m posting a diet fail post!
I think I’d have really shocked myself and disappointed you all had I attempted to get my dieting shit together in a timely manner.
No, just as can be expected with Fatty McCupcakes, I’m due to depart the states in two months, so now, when it’ll be next to impossible to make much of a dent in my blobby body, I decide it’s finally time.
I’m a fucking genius and I’m winning at life SO HARD.
So, I think I’ve mentioned that I’m a hardcore fan of Weight Watchers. Not only have I had success on the program (I lost 50 pounds 10 years and 60 pounds ago), I’m not keen on restrictive diets that don’t allow me a fucking doll-sized piece of cake even.
I LOVE that I can basically eat anything (within reason and expertly portion controlled) and still lose weight.
However, with the latest WW program, the points are less and the good stuff is worth more. Sugar is more of a sin than fat now. However, there are loads more zero point foods (chicken, eggs, beans, fruit, most vegetables, plain Greek yogurt, etc.). So, I guess it’s supposed to be easier or whatever.
Y’ALL, I CAN BARELY EAT ANYTHING.
If I want to eat my favorite Naked granola with my Greek yogurt for breakfast, there’s no way I can have carbs for lunch or dinner AND eat half a pint of Halo Top ice cream (Halo Top, your deliciously sinful, yet low-cal ice cream is my SALVATION).
So, choices.
It really blows I can’t eat granola AND ice cream. It’s not like I’m asking for donuts and whole pints of Ben & Jerry’s, damn.
I’ve decided that I’d rather eat Halo Top and popcorn like a fat piece of shit in the evenings than eat carbs during the day.
Thus, I’ve had to get creative.
Tuesday night I had beef stroganoff over broccoli, ya’ll. BROCCOLI. I got to *enjoy* my broccoli masterpiece while my boyfriend ate his stroganoff with egg noodles. The fucker.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, we had stroganoff for leftovers last night and since I’d eaten all of the broccoli like a starving sugar addict on day five without the white stuff, all I had left were Brussel sprouts.
Brussel sprouts and stroganoff DON’T MIX. It was not my favorite.
Brussel sprouts are not pasta. As my boyfriend says, “Barfel sprouts are the devil’s nads.”
I’ve also had to get more creative for lunch. I’ve been eating nitrate-free salami, cheese sticks, and cherry tomatoes. I swear it tastes almost nothing like antipasto salad.
But, it’s not terrible.
Well, yesterday, my organic greenhouse-grown cherry tomatoes were still a little wet from when I rinsed them that morning.
I was absentmindedly wiping them off onto a paper towel as I popped them into my mouth, eyes glued on my phone.
When I went to wipe my mouth, I did a double take. It was covered in yellow-green-brown stains.
The offending stain
I thought something smelled funny. I knew it wasn’t that fart.
Wait.
That doesn’t look right.
Fuck.
I knew I should have scrubbed them, instead of just splashed water over them.
Oh.Gawd.
At this point, I was obsessively smelling my paper towel, while one of my students, inside working on make up work, kept stealing “What-the-hell” glances at me.
Then, I smelled my fingers, the inside of the tomato tub, and the paper towel 34 more times.
Poop. It smells like poop.
Instant fucking panic.
While I was wondering how long it’d take for the tomato poop to make me get sick and die, I messaged my boyfriend.
His response, “Baby, I highly doubt your tomatoes are covered in poop.”
Because he had to be wrong, I took to a Facebook group I started to get a woman’s opinion. I shared a picture of the paper towel and basically asked how long I had.
Then, I sat at my desk, just waiting to die.
Oh no. My stomach is gurgling.
I probably have some deadly intestinal disease now.
I better just be proactive and put in for a substitute.
I wonder if the hospital would like a heads up?
*ding*
I got a response to my picture from a very professional-sounding person who regularly grows tomatoes in a greenhouse.
The green-yellow-brown stains from the tomatoes were tomato tar.
I’m still not excited that I ingested something called ‘tomato tar’, but it wasn’t poop. It.wasn’t.poop.
Another near death crisis averted.
See what perils I am faced with when dieting?
#donutsdonthavetar
I don’t know who said this, but they are my people
Tomato Poop
Oh you poor thing!
Totally understand your carb dilemma!
I used to have eggs in all sorts of ways as breakfast, with a side of fruit… No carbs, just protein and fruit! That worked in saving my carbs up for later!
We know EXACTLY what’s up with saving dem carbs 😂😂❤️
Its gotta be done! 😂🍞🥐🥖🥞🍟🍕🌭🎂🍪🍩🍰
Sacrifices 😂😂😂
😊😊😊
Hey! Love this post. Where are you going away to? If you’re going to any developing countries then don’t worry about your diet. Girl you’re going to have the shits so bad that weight will fly off without your consent 😂 p.s your poop tomato experience sounds dreadful, hope you’re ok! X
😂😂😂😂😂😂💩💩💩
I’m going to relatively safe Europe! I mean, safe in terms of food that won’t have me shitting my pants 😂😂.
I think I’ve survived the tomato poop incident 😂🙌🏻
I’m with you. Big trip in 2 months and I need to lose some weight, but I’d rather drink my calories than eat air.
LOL!!!! A friend just logged her first Weight Watchers dinner the other day. It was Jack Daniels 😂😂😂😂
For the love of all that’s holy, that sounds so gross. Barfel sprouts are DEF not anywhere near the realm of pasta!
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They are the furthest from pasta out of anything else in the whole effing world 😂😂😂😂😩😩😩😩😩😩
What are doing woman!? Tomato tar? Is that even for real? At this rate of hysteria you will be either dead or dying from self induced panic well before your two month wait for the trip is up. Lighten up and enjoy the tar, real or not 🙂
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My daughters both refer to Brussel Sprouts as “Stink Sprouts”. I love them, but I cant imagine mixing them with stroganoff.
So far the only thing that helped me lose weight was the 21 day fix. I felt full all the time, and eventually lost the raging sugar craving that I usually have ALL day Every day.
What is the 21 day fix?!’!!!!!
Its a way of eating, makes a huge change in 21 days. You get these different sized containers that you put your food in to. Carbs, proteins, veggies, fruits, nuts…..based on your weight, you get a certain amount of each container each day. SO, it just teaches you to eat a shit ton of veggies each day, and smaller(measured out portions of dairy, meat and such). I really felt good when I was doing it.
That’s right!!! I knew it sounded familiar!!
Maaaaate, eating tomato poop is not my idea of fun either. I mean, it wasn’t tomato poop, but I’d probably still be thinking of it as poop. Also, what the fuck IS tomato tar?!
I don’t even know!!!! I was just thrilled i wasn’t going to throw up or die from some weird tomato poop disease that I didn’t even ask any clarifying questions 😂😂😂
😂😂😂
Eat this, eat that, it’s good for you!!
Liars!
Such liars!!!!
Those brussel sprouts LOOK like tomato poop. Just sayin’. I’m pretty sure brussel sprouts aren’t ACTUALLY edible. I mean, I’ve never been able to eat them. Because ew.
DUDE. BRUSSEL SPROUTS ARE TOTALLY TOMATO POOP.
Dude. That Brussels sprout stroganoff concoction looks awful. I’m sorry you had to eat that. The only thing Brussels sprouts mix well with is the dumpster when you throw them away.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I normally like Brussel sprouts, but that was ICK 👎🏻👎🏻
It really was Ick – I can just imagine how much you farted that night. I have found that really cutting carbs helps. Try to eat everything as nature intended (but not Brussels Sprouts…)
OH GAWD. So much. So bad. 😂😂😂😂
LOL! I ate three flash fried fancy Brussels off my friend’s plate and burped all night.
OH YEAH. Along with being barfel sprouts, they are totally burpel sprouts 😂😂😂
Do you like courgette/zucchini? You could do that spiralising shiz with it and PRETEND it’s pasta!
I do!! I need one of those machines though!!! 😩😩😩
First of all, tomatoes don’t make tar: dinosaurs do. That was definitely tomato poop. However, they were just gonna poop in your belly anyway, so you’re fine.
See? Perspective.
Also, if you care I have a recipe for brussel sprouts that will change your mind about them: it does require fresh brussel sprouts (or at least good quality frozen ones, none of those steamer bag shits) but it’s nutty and spicey and turned both Husband and Offspring into True Believers. (Plus it’s out of a Williams Sonoma cookbook, so it’s automatically fancy)
Thank God it wasn’t poop. You just don’t come back from that. You just don’t. You can’t go back to your old life after that. I wouldn’t even be able to look anyone I knew in the eyes again because they’d *know* I had just eaten poop.
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! This is SOOO true!! 🤣🤣
You’re hilarious Katie! But….I would feel very sick too if I thought I had just eaten poop! Well done on the broccoli though. I like veg but I’m not a fan of the old broccoli. Maybe in a stirfry; cut up very small! Brussel sprouts only at Christmas for me.
LOL! “Brussel sprouts only at Christmas”. This made me legit spit my drink out. Too funny! I actually love most veggies, but they don’t go with everything 😂
I LOVE that meme! Donuts are known for their passive nature, which is why I will forever after be in love with them.
Diets suck, they really do. It’s Two thousand fucking eighteen and we STILL don’t have a pill that we can take in the morning so that we can eat whatever the hell we want? Doesn’t sound like progress to me!
Brussel sprouts sliced up and roasted in the oven with a little balsamic vinegar, olive oil and sea salt. It’s the only way I can eat those things. Of course, I still need a beer . . .
I am unable to have a tomato in the immediate future, just thinking about it pooping in my face . . nope. Now a donut, it can do whatever it wants to me . . .
RIIIIGHT?! Why is no one working on this magic pill?! And, donuts can do anything to me, too 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Because they’re too busy trying to find cures for diseases! How selfish!
Donuts . . . they treat me like shit and I will always keep coming back to them anyway. Sounds like a country song . . every country song.
😂😂😂😂 SO SELFISH. EXACTLY like every country song. Or, a shitty boyfriend…😆
Hey, the country music industry made its bones on shitty boyfriends and doomed relationships . . .lol
This is true!! 😆
Funny! Tomato Tar – who knew! I heard a great non-carb tip recently. A big plate full of chilli con carne but instead of pitta bread or rice – serve with iceberg lettuce. I guess I’d call it Chilli Lettuce Wrap. Tasty x
Oooh! That sounds really good, actually!! 😋😋
I am a huge ww fan and this flex business is poo. Not working for me!! I spent today in a vat of cream cake and Pavlova. Not flexible enough for that Ww!
😂😂😂😂 You’re hilarious! How’s this for flexible, WW!! Seriously, though, it’s tough, but you gotta fill up on those zero point “goodies” 😂😂😩😩😩😩
And what is cream cake?! 😋😋😋❤️❤️❤️❤️
Homemade sponge cake with a fruit and cream filling, fresh cake toppling with chocolate sprinkles. .. 😍
OMMMMMMGGGG! I need that!!!
I think you should definitely get some on tour trip 🦄🦄 the unicorn of cakes
So relateable!
❤️❤️
I can’t handle you LOL!!! It wasn’t POOOPPP!!! Yesssss! Lol 😂 thank the HEAVENS! I would’ve freaked out too girl. Hell to the NO. And are we the same?! My wedding is in TWO MONTHS and I now I’m panicking about the dieting and changing my entire body HAAAAAA! Wtf!!!
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We are SO THE SAME 😂😂😂
Tomato poop..OMG..I can feel your WW woes
23points are no fun…it IS really challenging man especially when the clock strikes 4pm. Our leader suggests making fruit concoction to go with that Greek yougurt.. that’s not what I want now man… especially when I see rest of the world munching on crunchy, cheesy stuff. Had a good laugh reading your London train ride story
Dita from http://www.aninditaswritingright.com
LOL! I’m glad you relate! Sometimes fruit with yogurt is the LAST thing I want!! Yup. 😂😩😩😩
Whilst not much of a commenter on here, I’d just like to take a moment to say god I love your posts!! They crack me up and I continually look like a weirdo laughing at my phone at random times of the day and night when my husband is always nearby (thinking I’m a lunatic) haha.
Awwwww! You just made my weekend!! Thank you! I’m sorry you look like a lunatic, though 😂
I got the weight loss thing figured out two years ago. It was an accident, but it worked. I moved to China and then lost 40 pounds in the next three months.
I’m not sure the Chinese know what sugar is here. Stuff they say is SOOO sweet is just something that was in the proximity of a berry at some point. Almost every dish is some sort of vegetable and they eat very little meat. This drastic change in my diet, plus the fact that I had to walk everywhere just made the weight fall off with ZERO effort from me.
So, move to China.
My friend moved to China for an academic year. She had the shits for a good two months, coupled with exactly what you detail here she also lost a crap ton of weight!! Might have to try the China Diet 😂😂
The greatest part (or worst, depending on how you look at it) is the inability to cheat. You have no choice because you don’t know how to find the food you really want.
I’ve been here long enough now, I know how to find stuff. So, I’ve gained some of it back.
It’s sounding better and better 😂
Oh…there are NO donuts here.
They have things they call donuts. They look like donuts, but I don’t think they’ve ever had a real donut because they are not even close.
18 months here and haven’t had a single decent donut.
😲😲😲😲😲😩
I just started WW (again) this week. I’m handling the carb thing…but CHEESE! I know it’s always been high in points, but goddamn it, I forgot how hard it is to regulate that *one* thing that’s really your fav. I don’t remember it being one-slice-is-four-points bad. Or maybe I blocked it. Idek.
Good luck trip prepping! My WW sign up was similarly motivated: Now that it’s wait to late to make a significant difference, let’s try to lose weight for that concert in June! Oy.
The cheese thing is horrible!! I think the point value doubled!! Good luck, friend!