The Dieting Chronicles of Dumpy von Marshmallow Waist and Duchess McMilkshakes*

Ya’ll, the weight loss motivation is finally getting serious up in here! (Right in time for all of the delicious Thanksgiving and Christmas season goodies. Smart.)

I’ve found me a Weight Watchers girlfriend and she’s funny lady, Amanda AKA Duchess McMilkshakes. She doesn’t have a blog yet, but I’m slowly chipping away at her apprehension to put her funny out into the world. For the time being, we are going to collab on a Weight Watchers weight loss adventure.

We each signed up for Weight Watchers (again) and took our ‘before’ photos (that, for the time being, will live in the privacy of our phones and in the minds of our lucky men). We are so ready to take this bitch DOWN.

Well, at least we are ready to not eat cake for breakfast *everyday*.

Because all of you lucky people already know so too much about me (and it’s about to get even more TMI) I’m just going to share Amanda’s bio. But, here’s my selfie in case you forgot what I looked like:

My two chins and my sassy cousin.

Throwback to when my daughter stayed in one spot for more than 10 seconds, and I could get my hair and makeup done. It’s one or the other now and I almost never pick makeup. I’m grateful every single morning for eyelash extensions.

My name is Amanda, and I’m a 36 year old mom to the sweetest angel on the planet, who inadvertently destroyed my bladder and waistline. I’m currently on a mission (with the help of my friend, Katie) to get fit, which hasn’t been easy because I love food and hate exercise. Let’s be honest, I didn’t get this round by eating apples and walking everywhere. Oh, and did I mention that my dude is a chef? Like an actual, classically trained chef who makes delicious food and couldn’t care less how fat I am as long as he gets to see me naked once in a while? It feels insurmountable some days, but I’ve mustered up the courage to give it another shot. This journey isn’t going to be easy, but I’m excited to share it with everyone- the good, the bad, and the funny. Let the hilarity ensue.

I don’t care that there is a mystery period in the middle of the sentence, this meme is our brains on bacon, ya’ll.

Random fun facts:

K: *I’m obnoxiously long-winded. Oh wait, we all knew that already.

*When I was a toddler, I used to get into the splits to stand up. I went on to do gymnastics for several years. You’d never know any of this after seeing me get off the couch or out of bed in the morning, though.

A: *I am 8 months postpartum and I still weigh over two bills. ‘How far over’ you ask? Far enough that I’d need to be seven feet tall for me to have a healthy BMI.
*I have contemplated teaching my baby and or dogs how to tie shoes so that I don’t have to pass out every time I bend over because I can’t fucking breathe.

Why are you losing weight?

A: I want to Beverly Goldberg the shit out of my daughter, and I can’t do that if my heart explodes because I can’t stop putting half and half on my Apple Jacks. Seriously though, you gotta try it.

K: I’m pretty sick of my bingo wings swinging like huge bull balls when I write things on the board at work. I’m really worried one or both might get carried away and knock a kid out one day.

What makes this time different?

A: Honestly, I don’t know if this time will be the magic time I get my shit together and stick to a diet, but I do know that I’m not comfortable settling for elastic waistbands and angled selfies so that only 1.5 chins show. Unfortunately, Snapchat hasn’t made a flower wreath to flatter my waddle, so I need a new plan of action.

K: I’m just gonna be real TMI here. Last weekend, I was getting into the shower. It wasn’t a hair-washing day, so I had my super sexy shower cap on. I look completely and utterly ridiculous in the thing, but it does the job, so I guess I’ll have to accept looking like a beached whale at the salon.

I was leaned down, completely naked, getting the water temperature right. All of a sudden, I hear a noise that sounded exactly like Tina Belcher saying, “Butt”, so, naturally, I figured it was a serial killer who somehow managed to break in in broad daylight while the dude and I were at home. A split second later, I realized it was my boyfriend imitating Tina Belcher and I screamed, “Don’t, you asshole!” and slammed the door in his face.

From the other side of the door comes his voice, “What the hell? I just said ‘butt’. I saw your butt, so I said ‘butt’.”

Yeah, he saw my totally-in-need-of-a-serious-waxing-job butt in the bright light of morning. He probably also noticed my second ass (more on that later) and the fact that my back rolls have back rolls. Thankfully, since my rear end was facing him, he didn’t see my stomach eating my entire lower half.

That’s what I thought in my head. He probably just saw the ass he (for some strange reason) loves, but in my head what he saw was something so frightful, so grotesque, it pissed me off that he snuck up on me when I wasn’t prepared or almost fully clothed and in the dark.

That mental narrative needs to stop.

What was the breaking point? The cherry on top? The straw that broke the camel’s back?

A: Some of the kids in my Pre-K class asked when I’m having my baby. Granted, they’re 4 and 5 years old, but the fact they think I’m 72 weeks pregnant is a real problem.

K: Probably when I saw my second ass for the first time. What is a second ass you ask? Well, it’s a secondary butt within one’s primary butt. Usually, at least in my case, your second ass looks like two chicken cutlets with a bad case of cellulite that have been glued smack dab in the bottom middle part of the dominant ass. I noticed it while I was leaning on the counter brushing my teeth (because that task is really tiring, obvi) and because the full-length mirror was lined up perfectly with the vanity mirror, the stars aligned and- bam- I saw it, clear as day. I always thought I only had one butt.

Biggest irrational diet fear?

A: I believe, wholeheartedly, that being fat is God’s way of keeping me humble. If I were thin, I’d run around in two tassels and a leaf in the middle of winter with zero fucks given. I’m afraid that if I ever get in shape I’m going to have to have my ho phase at 36, with a new baby. It’s not gonna be a good look.

K: My most irrational fear is that I’m going to like this diet thing and turn into someone who prefers bullshit like kale brownies over fried Devil’s food cake donuts. Like, what if I become that annoying person someone made the meme “Just shut up and eat your salad, you whore” about? (I added that last part. I think that meme needed an extra touch of sass.) I can’t become that person. Fatty McSpaghetti Squash just doesn’t have the right ring.

What do you think you’ll miss most when you change your lifestyle?

A: I think I’ll miss the comfort that comes with old habits. Sometimes, the need to feel better outweighs the need to fit into skinny jeans.

K: I’m gonna miss just being a total fool about food. There’s something really freeing about not knowing or caring about how many calories or points something is. As awesome as it is to wake up and know your food plans for the day are limitless, it becomes a problem by the end of the day when you’re eating as much as a running back that does zero running and gets out of breath doing the brownie dishes.

We have some exciting weight loss topics to explore and some insane ideas for fitness in store. Let us know what you want to know more about. What would you like to see us do in the name of getting fit (because we are pretty much down to do anything ridiculous if we can write about it)? How can we embarrass ourselves to help you? Let us know in the comments.

*Amanda found this website where you can find your weight loss name to um…inspire you. If being named Greasy McBacon Thighs doesn’t get someone to eat a salad, I don’t know what will.

53 thoughts on “The Dieting Chronicles of Dumpy von Marshmallow Waist and Duchess McMilkshakes*”

  1. Good luck to the both of you!! Although, I have to say to Amanda: God making people fat to stay humble is not working out in my end HAHA! Too much “pfft I look amazing” going on over here for that to work out hehe

  2. Ya’ll need to go to one of those indoor trampoline parks! I took my husband there a couple years ago for his 30th birthday, and we had a blast!! Granted, we fell a lot and took breaks every 5 minutes, but there were several occasions I almost peed my pants because we were having so much fun. I promise, you won’t regret it! 🙂

  3. I’m rooting for you two! Torture is so much fun when experienced as a duo! And, I am Dame of Pants (the elastic waist variety, for my twin skin, thank you very much.) I totally get the second butt thing. Ugh. (This is TMI, but…) When I was a ballet dancer, o so long ago, my undies gave me wedgies all the time–very annoying. Little did I know then, it was because I had such a skinny butt, my undies couldn’t find purchase on anything back there! I have not had this problem for a VERY long time now. So, I guess I’m saying there are positives… Sorry, that’s not very inspiring. You go, girls!

    1. Lol!! Too funny! I’ve never had that problem, but I can imagine it was kind of uncomfortable 🤣🤣🤣. Dame of Pants 🤔🤣

  4. Well I’m rooting for you both, I think I’m going to love these K & A posts!! Since I love running I should probably suggest you both try the ‘couch to 5k’ but I think something like trampolining or roller blading might make for more entertaining posts!!

    1. OMG! Rollerblading! Gotta do that one too 🤣. I’ve really liked the idea of Couch to 5k! I’ll look into that! Thanks, lady! Oh, I’m so jealous of where you get to run, btw! I saw that you were recently at the Wallace Monument! If you ran up that, you’re a total beast! 💪🏻❤️

      1. Yes I did it was awful!!! So much so I’ve run it twice since haha! Defo try the couch to 5k I guarantee you’ll hate it but love it at the same time!

  5. “I’m pretty sick of my bingo wings swinging like huge bull balls when I write things on the board at work. I’m really worried one or both might get carried away and knock a kid out one day.”
    Holy shit this! I teach in the hottest classroom on campus, it’s right above the room that generates heat. I have to keep the door to outside open all year round so I can wear at least elbow length sleeves to contain my my bat wings lest they accidentally erase what I’ve already written on the board as I write more.

  6. I’m totally rooting for you both too!

    You do need to get over your fear of liking healthy foods though! You’ll always have the love of cupcakes, but maybe you’ll start loving the Spaghetti Squash too!?

    1. Oh, I LOVE spaghetti squash, but if I could choose between that and a big bowl of pasta, I’d choose pasta every time 🤣😩

      1. Fair enough! I blooming LOVE pasta too. I guess I like both, so we just switch between them. It’s all about making a reeeeally tasty sauce.

        1. Agreed!! It’s all about the sauce for sure!! Do you have some good recipes for homemade sauce? Gonna try my hand at those soon 😬😬

          1. Homemade tomato sauce is sooo easy. I just heat some onions for a couple of minutes, then pour in a big can of chopped (or crushed) tomatoes and garlic (and add some tomato paste if I have any.)

            Then just leave it bubbling for 40/50 mins until it goes dark and tasty.

            Pesto is even better as it takes less than 5 minutes. Just add garlic, pine nuts, olive oil, a pile of basil and parmesan into a blender and whizz away. Om nom nom…

          2. Oooh. This sounds SOOOO GOOD 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤. I really need to get better at doing shit in the kitchen 🤣

          3. …and you can make up new kinds of pesto. Walnut and kale taste good (swap the basil and pine nuts for a waaaay cheaper, tasty version)

    1. Thank you!!! I’m really liking substituting pasta for spaghetti squash. I’m not far enough in to have much more on that topic, but this gives me an idea! We could share favorite recipes and food hacks!

  7. Pole dancing. You have to do a pole dancing fitness class. Oooooh, and maybe an aerials class!! Also, I love this post, but there was a disappointing lack of the word “vagina” in it… 😉

    1. Pole dancing is on the list ✔️🤣

      I’ve actually done aerial and wrote a post about it, even! I actually loved it, but it gave me a horrible bout of vertigo 😩🤢

      I totally wussed out on using vagina!!! Being a teacher makes you paranoid! 😩😩😩

  8. Oh My Gosh, I don’t need to lose, but I love the title of “Queen O’Sandwich’ especially since I love Port-Of-Subs.
    Here’s a challenge; Try one new healthy food once or twice a month, and share. I am expanding my diet that way.
    Also, how about Jogging In Place or walking really fast, if you can’t jog. When you both do it, you may wind up cracking up.

    1. lol! Is that your name from that site? 🤣 I wanted to try healthy foods and post about how shitty (or good) they were but never got around to making any healthy foods 🤣🤣🤣. So, I’ll have to finally do it!

  9. This is brilliant I can not wait to read more. You could walk the dogs for money and power walk while you earn. I think you should do excalator exercises.but on the real escolator in a shopping mall. Picture this workout clothes bottle of water and one runs up the down and the other down the up. Videoed for a post obviously. Ten reps should have a good wheeze on. Haaaha! I will watch for hints and tips. Good luck to you both.

          1. Yep not as easy as it looks that’s for sure. I tried a Burlesque exercise class fun with feathers, fast sweat inducing I felt a plonker but it was fun.

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