The Dieting Chronicles of Dumpy von Marshmallow Waist and Duchess McMilkshakes: Week Two

What was your biggest diet disappointment this week?

A: I have several so be patient with me:

1.) A single serving of Oreos according to the WW app is 3 cookies. Just 3.

2.) 3 cookies is 7 (!!) points.

3.) Even though Oreos are vegan, they are in no way healthy.

4.) Try as I might, I am not at my goal weight this week.

5.) I won’t be at my goal weight next week either.

6.) Vegetables still taste like vegetables.

K: On Fridays, along with my coffee, I treat myself to a scone or some other decadent delight from Starbucks. Since I’m counting now, I had to look up how many points the pumpkin scone is. I figured it couldn’t be much more than 15. I mean, it’s pumpkin. Pumpkin is healthy.

I didn’t end up getting the damn pumpkin scone, because it’s 22 mother fucking points. For anyone totally unfamiliar with Weight Watchers, let me paint you a really hideous picture. My daily point allowance is 28 points and my weekly “cheat points” are set at 42.

Because I wanted to eat the rest of the day, I had to pass on the pumpkin scone for the first time in three years of Friday Starbucks cheats.

I died a little inside when the barista, who knows me way too well, said, “You’re not getting your pumpkin scone today?” and I had to make myself say, “No, Alex. Just the coffee.

What was your biggest diet success or win this week?

A: I know there are people who eat only when they are hungry and stop once they are satisfied, so I won’t break my arm patting myself on the back for a week of eating like a normal person. I am, however, a little proud of the moments I was able to walk away from the treats in the break room. Or, when I walked places I normally would have driven to. Lastly, I’m grateful I didn’t give up the second day when I really wanted to… because I really, really wanted to.

K: I didn’t kill anyone in the name of hunger. That’s all I got.

What is a diet/Weight Watchers injustice you faced this week?

A: I’m not sure if I’d call it an injustice really, but I went to an actual meeting and it was insanely annoying. If you are STILL fatter than me you do not get to tell me how to do this. How ’bout you follow your own advice there, Patty? Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle fat? I’ve decided to keep my interactions very limited from here on out.

K: When reading through the Weight Watchers app for ideas for low point snacks (I was really hoping I’d happen upon a monster brownie only clocking in at two points) I caught an article on FAQs. Let me just share a screenshot:

Fruit, ice (Thanks, WW, for making ice zero points. That’s big of you), and nonfat, unsweetened yogurt are all zero point foods, but, somehow, magically, when they are blended into a smoothie, the smoothie is not zero points.

I am no math whiz, but I’m fairly confident that 0+0+0= MOTHER FUCKING ZERO*.

What is a diet tip or hack you learned this first week?

A: For me this whole weight loss thing can’t be black and white; perfection or failure. Don’t get me wrong, it’s real easy for me to be a stickler for every bite, point, step taken, and to make myself batshit crazy until I give up. In all reality though, I don’t want to live like that. On the flip side, it’s also really easy to eat whatever I want with reckless abandon and then get pissed when my jeans don’t fit. If I am going to make this a true lifestyle change I need to live somewhere in the middle- that grey area where most of my choices are good, but sometimes I eat three donuts for breakfast in the bathtub, and skip the gym all together.

K: La Croix the shit out of your day. Want a bag of M&M’s? FALSE. Drink a La Croix. Feeling like you need a milkshake and a side of fries to dip in said milkshake? FALSE. Your fat ass can drink a La Croix and it can like it.

If you don’t know what La Croix is just imagine a fruit-flavored soda but without any of what makes a soda taste good. That’s La Croix. It’s disgusting, but the skinny bitches drink it, so I’m hoping to be let in on the secret sometime soon.

How about an “ah ha” moment or sudden moment of clarity?

A: Right now my life is an absolute dumpster fire.

This past week, I ended two jobs I LOVED in exchange for a job out of necessity, and it has made my heart so sad. I want(ed) to eat all the things because I needed to feel better, and I did slip a few times:

Me to Katie- “ Sooooo you’re my accountability buddy and here we go. I just used all 26 of my daily points, PLUS 10 exercise points and TWENTY MOTHER FUCKING NINE flex points on dinner because my heart is sad and I hate my life and I miss my mom. That is a 65 point DINNER dude. 65 points. I’m gonna let that sink in for you.”

Yea… that’s real life. But I got back on. I didn’t keep eating everything that didn’t try to eat me first for days upon end. The “aha” in all of this is that I don’t need to be a complete lunatic to make progress in the right direction. I lost 4.6 pounds this week- not a bad start. I just need to be consistent most of the time and be brave enough to get back on when I screw it all up. Perfection isn’t realistic and my goal this week is to spend more time in the grey area. It feels more doable, and there’s Oreos in there.

K: It feels good going to bed not feeling like a fat piece of shit. I mean, I’m still fat, but I feel less “piece of shit”. Some nights, before the Weight Watchers Awakening, I would go to bed right after eating 18 bags of popcorn, an entire pint of Halo Top, and half a watermelon. It’s pretty alright to not feel like my food choices are literally and figuratively choking me out.


What are you struggling with this week? Any fun diet tips for Dumpy and McMilkshake? What would you like to see us cover? Let us know in the comments!

*There are a lot of ‘mother fuckers’ in this post. Excuse our French, we’re just REALLY FUCKING HUNGRY.


Don’t forget to send in your questions to Aunt Fatty here. And, check out the first post here! I’m handing out advice that’s wanted like candy at a Weight Watchers meeting, so you don’t want to miss out!

42 thoughts on “The Dieting Chronicles of Dumpy von Marshmallow Waist and Duchess McMilkshakes: Week Two”

  1. I hate tracking my food intake, because most of the apps try to be so precise. But I started doing it. It’s annoying, but enlightening. I’m not precise about it, I mean I’m out of the US, so most of the brands/restaurants they track aren’t even possible, so I guesstimate a lot. The biggest thing it does for me is make me stop and think, “Do I want to log this?” before I eat or drink anything.

    The grey area is just fine! Being healthy is great, but having a healthy outlook is equally important. Have at it!

    1. I think the same way!! “Is this really worth the points?” 9 times out of 10, it’s effing not!!!! 😫😫😫😫😫

  2. I didn’t do WW, but when I was dieting my go-to sweet treats were the Lindt chocolate balls (just one at a time obvi) and chocolate milk made with almond milk and lite Hershey’s syrup (which is quite filling). I’m not sure what point values they are in accordance to WW, but I think it’s key to have a couple of go-to sweet treats that won’t ‘break-the-bank’. Otherwise when you are craving something sweet, you’ll likely go for something so outrageously bad for you, then regret it afterwards. Just my 2 cents. Hang in there ladies!!

    1. GREAT suggestion!! My go-to when I’m hungry is a tiny scoop of natural PB. It tricks my mind into thinking it’s a PB cup 🤣🤣

  3. YOU GO GIRLS!!! You’ve got this! I completely understand why it’s hard and how annoying it can be, especially when things go shit in life and you still try to keep up the diet while that little voice in you shouts “GET THAT DAMN BEN AND JERRY’S!”.

    I’ve never tried WW, but the way I’ve lost weight and losing weight is simple: Stick with 1000 kcals a day and move your ass. Ok, it’s not that simple… I did over 4 months of that and I managed to lose 13Kg ( 28 pounds I think?), then I lost my dream job and got very depressed, so I allowed myself a month of eating whatever I wanted. Surprisingly, I only gained 1kg. Now back into it, running every day and controlling what I’m eating.

    Advise: Forget about the baked goods, sweets, biscuits and crisps. They are the cause of all the food addiction. Get rid of them little by little. ( I know: SHUT UP CHI!) lol! Good luck to both of you!

    1. That’s so awesome you only gained 1 pound during your one month of eating whatever!!! That makes me feel a little better about Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up!! 😬😬😬😬

  4. I am 5.2 ing … eat 800 cals 5 days 200 two days. I am also restricted cos I havea genetic condition so 3 days are vegetarian. The two remaining ones chicken or white fish. I ate a 42 cal cheese scone with butter at lunch yesterday. I told The Husband I had no choice, my Mother made me!!! WTF is wrong with me? I am Over 59! My Mother being present and wanting one herself does not mean she ‘Made me eat it.’ All I could have was soup because of my transgression. I went to bed hungry and woke Hangry. I found a worthers hard toffee in the glove box; on the way to tai chi. I sucked the fluff off and spat it in a tissue then drooled while sucking it all the way to class. This dieting is not easy when scones Mothers and fluffy sweets try to scupper your plans. Good luck with your next weigh in.

    1. GIRL, this sent me over the edge 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. I feel for you living in the land of scones. I simply could not diet in your country. There are just too many delicious things to eat!

  5. I am currently struggling with my world being a shit show and trying not to eat pint’s of ben and jerrys before bed every night. How do you survive the process of therapy, which is like a remodel of your brain, let that imagine sit for a minute, while not eating your weight in sugar daily? Any tips for that?

    1. Eek! I got nothin! I think I’d just eat what I wanted going through that, but that’s why I am the way that I am 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

  6. I think I know why the smoothie counts as points (even though yogurt, ice and fruit on their own don’t) …it’s about how easily you can absorb those sugars. Smoothies are a super sugar hit (even though they have good things in them…) If you just eat the fruit on it’s own, your body absorbs it more slowly, and the fiber is harder to break down, so it fills you up more.

    It’s something like that anyway.

    Anyway, you ladies have got this! Yay that you lost the first 4.6 pounds. 😀

    1. AHHHHHHHHHHH! I get it now! BUT, they need to make it very clear how we count them then, because I don’t know how to account for a combo of zero point foods! (I’m not gonna count them, though 😈)

  7. You are reading my mind today. I am dying of total depression due to not one pound leaving this flabby tent I live in. Smart points killed me in WW. Every one I work with is skinny and focused. It sucks.

    1. That is THE worst when there are skinny people all around you all day everyday. In fact, that sounds like a damn nightmare. That sounds like every yoga class I’ve ever attended #alwaysthefattestonethere

      Not that I’m even close to being good at this diet thing, but you can always message me when you’re needing a pep talk. We can help each other ☺️❤️

      1. I went to aqua aerobics in the summer and it was full of quite old ladies. For the first time ever I was top of the class!
        Then I got a verucca and that was that.
        We will def help each other. Totally taking you up on that 🤗

        1. LOL!! That’s hilarious! Aqua aerobics is amazing for that very reason! Is verucca a wart? How come you couldn’t go anymore after that??

          1. Verucca is a wart and it took six trips to the chiropodist to get it away.
            I only got to the class when I was on summer break and the verucca really hurt so I had to stop going for a bit. I might get back in evenings but I am forty minutes at least from all classes so I find it hard to get motivated when I get home from teaching!

          2. Ah! Gotcha! When they’re on the bottom of the foot and they hurt, we call them a Plantar’s Wart. So painful!! That’s horrible you had to deal with that.

            I’m the SAME way. Once I get home and sit, that’s it!

  8. Two thoughts: “What that mouth do? Eat and complain.” is what my life is all about now. Also, when it comes to La Croix I always say, “why buy La Croix when Alka Seltzer is cheaper by volume and might prevent UTIs?”

    1. That meme is SO my life too. I read it to my dude and I think it might be etched on my tombstone, because it’s so representative of my charming nature 🤣🤣 #twins

      I actually kind of like La Croix, but good to know about Alka Seltzer 👌🏻

  9. Okay, first, before I start talking about Oreos, I want to say that I lost my shit at “Thank you for making ICE 0 points” and “0+0+0=0” That was incredible. I guess maybe they don’t expect you to eat more than one 0-point food in a day? I don’t know, but that’s ridiculous and part of why I think point system diets are not great solutions, but if you have success with it and it gets you to make better dietary choices, hey! Thumbs-up!

    Okay, now to get informative.

    And I swear I’m not trying to be an asshole like “well actually…” but Oreos are only vegan if you ignore the fact that some of Oreos sugar suppliers use bone char in their processing method. Refined white sugar like the kind used in Oreos is refined in two ways: through granular carbon or ion-exchange systems (vegan), or through a charcoal filtering process using the charred bones of cattle (not vegan). The carbon in the bone char is what decolorizes the sugar, making it white and pretty.

    Some vegans don’t count this because the bone is used in the refining process and isn’t actually being consumed or used by them personally. Some vegans aren’t okay with it, because animal products were still used in the production of the product. whether you consider Oreos vegan depends on your definition of “vegan.”

    Also, if your Oreos are manufactured in Europe and possibly in other non-US countries like Canada, they contain whey which is definitely not vegan by any stretch of the imagination. Things to consider if eating vegan is really important to anyone reading this. I don’t think Amanda is vegan (since she’s aka Duchess McMilkshakes and I’m pretty sure milkshakes aren’t vegan), but I also want people to make informed dietary decisions, since it’s kind of my career choice and all. =/

    1. Yeah, they are really pushing the zero point foods, but zero point foods SUUUUUCK!

      Great info on Oreos!! I had no idea! I don’t think she’s vegan, and it’s possible she thought (like I do at times) that vegan options sound healthier point-wise. I can attest to the fact that they aren’t always and yet, when I hear vegan, I instantly think- “Ooh. I bet that’s like negative points!” 🤷🏻‍♀️😜😜

      1. A LOT of people fall into that vegan=healthy mindset, because we primarily associate veganism with healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. So even when we know a food isn’t healthy, we assume the “vegan version” is at least healthier, but often times it’s not. Vegan alternatives can be just as processed and fatty as non-vegan foods. Sometimes even more so because of all the artificial ingredients used to replace the animal products! I mean, even French fries are vegan if you cook them in vegetable oil. XD

        I’m not a vegan by any stretch of the imagination, but I will say that a BALANCED vegan diet can be incredibly beneficial (provided you don’t have allergies to things like soy or wheat). Since it’s plant based, it’s high in fiber and natural vitamins and minerals. You just have to avoid the processed stuff like chips and cookies and shit like that. Just like any other diet.

        Food! My favorite subject!

        1. Food is my favorite subject too!! I could, legit, just blog about food and I’d never run out of content 🤣🤣🤣

  10. Oh Lort. I have been on and off WW so much (from the age of 12 until now, at the age of 47), they really should make me an honorary member. I’m old enough to remember my Mom being on WW when I was little and it was so strict then, that you had to make your own ketchup because the stuff in the store was not allowed! Wish I had some good advice, but I don’t. Just one day at a time!

    1. It’s crazy how much WW has changed over the years. I miss the days when ketchup and other “non creamy” condiments were “free”!

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