Garbage Grownups

It has been discovered, after myriad messages (some really embarrassing and many most wouldn’t send their best friend) sent back and forth between Amanda “McMilkshakes” and I, that we are certified garbage grownups. What is a garbage grownup, you ask? Well, just keep reading. You will soon either feel an equal amount of disgust and pity for us or you will feel like you have found your people.

Hell being the DMV or the grocery store on a Sunday…

How Does One Clean an Oven? Asking For a Friend

A: What’s an oven? As a Garbage Grownup, I have to tell everyone that I do less than half of the cooking at my house. I can microwave my ass off, and do okay with snack type things (think peanut butter and celery). And, I can make eggs. Otherwise, the cooking isn’t up to me. No one in my house wants to die of food poisoning, so we just leave it to Chef John. My other classic move when it comes to food is to spend a fortune on groceries and then eat out all week because we don’t have any convenience food in the house. I don’t know how Chef John hasn’t driven me into the wilderness and left me for dead yet.

As far as other household chores are concerned, I have one word for you all: Febreze. You’re welcome. I use it on EVERYTHING and it helps to mask the fact that I haven’t cleaned my couches in at least 6 months (and that’s being generous).

Strangely, I think I know what happened here…

K: I have never cleaned my oven, because I am too afraid the self-cleaning function will stink up the place (This happened to my parents when they were readying their house to be sold. We are all fairly certain the smell permeated the walls and will remain for all eternity). I am also concerned the chemical cleaners will be baked into our frozen chicken cordon bleu.

So, I read on Pinterest that you can make your oven like new with just, in my case, three boxes of baking soda and a gallon of vinegar. No mention on the article how you are supposed to get the dried mixture out. So, this is now our oven:

NEVERMIND

It’s just too embarrassing. I couldn’t share a picture. I just couldn’t do it.

It has been like this for a year (just use your imagination), because, oh well.

(Who does this? Who starts a big production of cleaning and then just stops in the middle for a whole year?)

One last teensy way I fail at being a real adult in the arena of Householding is that I don’t own an ironing board. I’m sure many people don’t own ironing boards, because who the fuck irons anymore? But, sometimes (like two times a year) you’ve just got to bite the bullet and pull out your rusty dusty iron.

So, what do I do to iron, then, since I don’t own an ironing board? Well, I’m glad you asked, Karen.

I use every flat surface in my house.

Subsequently, every flat surface has been ruined permanently by my too-hot iron. The real kicker here? Our coffee table has a stainless steel topper on it. Did it ever even once cross my mind to use that before, during, or after ruining my kitchen table, dresser, my duvet cover, or the wall? No. No, I did not.

Why Our Razors Are a Year Old, But Still Brand New and Other Hygiene Things

A: Shaving is a pain in the padded ass. I always get out of the shower with all the cuts bleeding, looking like I got into a fight with a small but ferocious alligator while I was in there. And have you ever gotten antiperspirant in a newly sliced armpit? Pass. Hard pass.

Another fun fact for lackluster hygiene is I have enough hair for three people, and I’m not washing this thing every day. It makes my arms tired and gives me a bad attitude. Well, a worse attitude. I firmly believe that God invented dry shampoo and gave it to us because he loves us and wants our arms to be rested. It would be bad manners not to take advantage of such a thoughtful gift.

K: I am a terrible excuse for a female*. I have a love-hate relationship with all forms of beauty. Don’t get me wrong, I love makeup and the perfect beach wave and I have more trendy beanies and chambray shirts than is even close to normal, but I hate the process.

Ya’ll know what I mean by the process.

I often dream of the Jetsons and the robots they had for everything. I want to live the robot life, ya’ll. If someone or something would shave my pits every day, I wouldn’t have armpits that could rival those of my boyfriend. I would also not have to warn said boyfriend- every six months or whenever I think the situation downstairs is getting ridiculous- that there are pubes everywhere and he may just want to burn the bathroom down, because like glitter, pubic hair never.goes.away.

You’re Supposed to Have Money in Your Savings Account?

A: About four years ago I got really sick with no insurance -another example of how I’m a horrible adult because you’re never supposed to not have insurance- and I still owe that hospital a lot of money. The last bill they sent was for $132,000.00 As a result we were completely wiped out and just when we were starting to recover, I got pregnant. The mature grownup thing to do would have been to go back to work right away and start building our nest egg back up, but this post isn’t about how I make terrific decisions is it?

I stayed home for 8 glorious months and loved the absolute shit out of my daughter while it was still an option. I’ve since gone back to work full time and am finally seeing some progress but it will take time to be on top again. My bi-weekly eyelash appointments are making it slower of course, but those are the breaks and my lashes are fabulous.

K: I am full on a moron when it comes to money. Well, let me clarify for anyone feeling aghast right now- I pay my bills, OK? And, I actually have excellent credit. Like, really excellent. I am not just using ‘excellent’ as my adjective of choice. By some strange miracle, I have been able to maintain truly excellent credit, all while balancing an idiotic amount of credit cards. When I am still living in a tiny apartment at the ripe old age of 78, I will have to tell myself, “Well, at least I had good credit…”.

I think it is pretty ridiculous that all around me there are people my age and even younger buying homes, appliances larger than a crockpot, and nicer cars than a used 2010 Hyundai. I actually have friends who own two refrigerators. I own zero refrigerators.

It isn’t ridiculous that people are smarter with their money than I am, but that I spend my money on an inane amount of soap from Bath & Body Works (that I am having a hard time fitting in my tiny apartment). Or, that I spend actual money on a home design game (I am not even shitting you- I have spent real monies on decorating a fucking designer entryway FOR A GAME ON MY PHONE). Or maybe it’s just a lot ridiculous that I have been paying for a monthly succulent subscription (while at the same time wondering why I don’t have a garden of my own). I have eight succulents so far. How many is too many succulents?

How I Almost Shit My Pants in My Car and Other Tales of Woe

A: Once upon a time about 8 years ago, I danced and performed hula with my niece. The shows were short, so our costumes had to be ready in advance, allowing for quick changing between songs. Her mama was out of town and mine was in the hospital, so the baton of preparedness was passed to me. I promptly dropped it twice and then gave it to my 11 year-old niece because I was ill-equipped. “Why is the steam button on this iron broken??!!!” It wasn’t. You just have to add water to the fucking basin if you want it to make steam.

Good thing my sister made her daughter ready for real life because we would have had some messed up outfits for the Reno High show. I still don’t iron very well, but I do know where the water goes. I’d call it a win.

K: I actually wrote the full tale of what-the-fuck here, but long story short, I was mere seconds from shitting my pants in my car. It came out of literally NOWHERE. I had just had my first ever chiropractor adjustment and I was on my way home and BAM- situation.was.dire. 

I was in the middle of a residential neighborhood and was actually *silent inner scream* contemplating squatting behind a rhododendron.

I don’t know about any of you, but the realization that you are going to almost certainly defile the seat you sit in everyday, is something that changes your very psyche.

I ended up making it, but I had to run into a luxury apartment complex that was just closing. There was a lady behind a desk and I am not even sure if she saw me sprinting as I desperately clutched my ass (as if that has ever helped) or not, but the thought that she might come into the bathroom after what happened in there, and I’d have to make eye contact with her through the stall gap and say, “Yeah…I don’t live here… but… as you can see… it was an emergency,” made me clammy as fuck.

To make matters even better, I got locked in. I got locked into the apartment complex office I busted into to take an emergency poo. I eventually found a way out through the gym door that led outside. I then had to wait, like a wild half woman/half animal freak, for a car to enter through the outer gates to make my hurried, shameful escape.

swore I’d find myself on the evening news. I was nervous for a least a week after.

You know shit like this never happens to Jill, with the bleached asshole, Range Rover, and yoga addiction.

 

#1 Garbage Mom

 A: Let’s just get it out in the open: I am the worst mom on the face of the earth. It isn’t on purpose, I’m just not good. I don’t like being judged for not being good, so I cheat and then I get caught, and it makes me look a hundred times worse. I could tell so many stories here but I am the most embarrassed about just one.

So, I was supposed to be making Ava’s baby food at home. I made a huge production of it and pinned all kinds of recipes. I even got a special silicone mold to hold all the different foods I was planning to make. It was going to be epic.

Well friends, sorry to disappoint you, but it did not go down like that. It didn’t taste good, it didn’t smell good, and it took way longer than I anticipated.

My sweet girl has never been a sleeper, and what little free time I did have I wasn’t interested on spending it making baby food. I wanted to spend it sleeping. But, I wasn’t going to let the people who told me I would hate it win, and so I went and bought all the baby food flavors I could have made on my own if I had been inclined to do so, and I put it in my own containers.

The problem is, I left the store bought containers where they were found and my secret was discovered and mocked for a long time. I should have just told the fucking truth but hearing “I told you so” just really makes me mad, and as a Garbage Grownup I’m more comfortable lying than I probably should be.

PS: There’s a reason Gerber is a million dollar company.

So, tell us, how are you a garbage grownup? Come on, ya’ll know you’ve burned an iron shape into your curtains too.

 

This is the way to Starbucks and the answer to all of my adulting questions, right? Yeah, this is it. (It was not it.)

 

*Being a female means a lot of different things, but I was referring to the run of the mill, girly female here.

42 thoughts on “Garbage Grownups”

  1. Aunt Fatty is back! Freaking YAS! And, not that anyone asked, but I did shit myself in my car once after eating a Frosty from Wendy’s. It’s how I found out I was lactose intolerant.

    1. OH FUCK 🤣😫😫😫😱 What a way to learn dairy isn’t your friend!!! Why couldn’t it have happened in the safety of your own home? I feel like that’s how it’ll happen to me- shitting my pants- it’ll happen in the most inconvenient and embarrassing place. Did you throw your car away?

      1. LMAO! I had to scrub, scrub, scrub, and then I kept a blanket in that seat for a very, very long time.

  2. Okies, Kaite, you need to invest in a clothing steamer! No more burning things and you don’t need a flat surface. Just steam – beautiful steam.

    And OMG to that hospital bill Amanda! Everyone move to Canada! My dad had two hips replaced, and stayed in the hospital like 2 or three days for both of them, plus had a nurse come and check up on him a few times for the first week, then once a week for a few weeks after that (both times!) and ya know who much his bill was? $0!! ZERO DOLLARS! If you’re under 25, do you know how much prescriptions cost? Even if you don’t have insurance? ZERO DOLLARS!

    But that credit card thing holds a special place in my heart. I have great credit as well, but I have my student loans – partly on a credit card too. It’s cancelled and the new card I have always has a zero balance because I’ve finally smartened up, but that student line of credit and credit card haunt me and kill so much of my pay.

    1. I TOTALLY need a steamer!! It’s on my radar to purchase, but first I need to buy 80 more soaps from Bath & Body Works 🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

      Our healthcare system is SO JACKED in this country. Getting sick can ruin your life here in more ways than just getting sick. It’s really deplorable. Many people put off going to the doctor and/or fail to treat their illness properly, because they flat out can’t afford to. It’s horrible.

      Credit card debt is so dumb. I should know better, but I don’t 😬🤷🏻‍♀️🤣.

      1. Yeah I love the Canadian health care system. Like I still put off going but I know if I have to go it’s free. Prescriptions aren’t and like dental and eye care costs are crazy but insurance helps with those as well. Sometimes I want to cancel my insurance and just set that money aside each month but then I feel like I won’t keep that up haha

          1. Haha I have an account that I put 30% of my pay into for taxes and I am soooo impressed I never touch it. Like I’m not even tempted! But I don’t think that would work with insurance money haha

          2. I just forget about it actually. Like I transfer money every two weeks the instant I get paid so I don’t really see it to use it haha. It’s great! And I only pay like 10-20% taxes (going off last year) so if I put 30% I have a little extra at the end for me! Aka new wig after taxes!

    1. Yeah. I had no idea either! I DO vacuum it out as at any one time, there’s a entire movie theater’s worth of popcorn in it. So, there’s that.

  3. LOVE THIS! As I get older, I realise that everyone adults differently. I always think of adults as smart people with their lives together, their finances in check and whatnot.

    But then I think back to my teens, and my friends’ parents. The adults. They all had their quirks, they were the ones having affairs, the shouty ones, the always tipsy ones, the far too laid back ones, the stinky ones, the strange ones and the over compliant ones who were always too nice.

    See, that’s us now. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. Just be happy and do things that make you happy.

    BTW I’m somewhere between a grump and a cool adult. More towards grump 😄 x

    1. LOL!! You’re right- people all adult differently. I don’t think there’s necessarily a right or wrong way to do it, but I always feel like there are adultier adults who have stocks and bonds and a mortgage or adultier adults who know how to cook chicken 😫🤷🏻‍♀️

  4. I wonder where in the spectrum of adultier adulting I fall. I CAN cook chicken – after a fashion. And we DO have stocks and bonds. But then there’s the cleaning, the ironing, the washing – definitely a fail there. Some of my best friends are the dust bunnies and spider webs.

  5. I am a garbage grown-up because I read this while hiding in my office to avoid trying to entertain our neighbor’s daughter. She’s 8, and sweet, but I just can’t socialize. I left my husband, who works all day and was on one of his hour-long breaks, to hang out with her in the living room until he had to go back up to work.

    …even now, I hear her feet shuffling up and down the sidewalk outside and so am not leaving my chair, so she can see I wasn’t avoiding her, but actually working.

    1. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is hilarious to me, because I saw the pictures on Facebook!! I’d be doing THE SAME EXACT THING! Make sure to keep your head down. She’s probably climbing up on something to look into a window or something 🤣🤣🤣🤣😱😱😱

  6. Maaaaate. I’m definitely not a proper grown up either. Well, you know how I feel about Ironing (biggest waste time ever) and you do one better than me in that you own an iron. And my child wears a school uniform that is always fully unironed. Literally, mums gasp when I proudly confess that I don’t own an iron. Similarly when I tell them I don’t own a hairdryer. Not only do I not feel like a proper adult, but like you I don’t feel like a proper woman either (i.e. a stereotypical woman). I fucking HATE the process of applying make-up too. That’s why most days I don’t wear it. It’s not a feminist statement, I’m just fucking lazy. And don’t get me started about being a homeowner. Literally EVERYONE I know owns their home. I don’t know anyone in their 40s that still rents. If they are, it’s because they’re renovating their new huge home and are just temporarily renting. How do people do it?! Not just own a home, but be an adult?! In the school playground I feel like a fraud. I’m just making up this adulting thing as I go along & probably failing at it. I’ve definitely found my people *high five*

    1. To me, you’re WAY better than those stuffy people who iron their clothes! I mean, I want to be an adult, but when I REALLY think about it, is it really all that great? I mean, when you own a home and you break the heater, YOU have to pay for it. So…I dunno. This morning (it’ll change ten times today), I’m happy being a Garbage Grownup 🤣🤣🤣 #goteam #yourenotafraud #theyare

  7. I can’t remember the last time I’ve brushed my hair… not sure if that’s an adulting fail or a win since no one can tell…

    The key to cooking is getting a crock pot. Don’t know how to make chicken? Throw a couple frozen chicken body parts in a the crock pot, pour in some water (or chicken broth if you’re trying to be a fancy Garbage Grownup), put it on low for 8ish hours, and ta-da! Chicken! Like this morning, I threw in some chicken boobies, 2 cans of cream of chicken soup, and a half bag of frozen mixed veggies. Tonight I’ll make some biscuits to dump everything over and call it a win. Gotta share the wealth (of knowledge) when you have it. 🙂

    1. That’s a total adult win!! We use our crockpot almost every day! It’s a HUGE lifesaver, man 🙌🏻🙌🏻

  8. Yaaaay!! I am chuffed you ladies are back, but sad that I didn’t see this post until now!

    I think almost everyone is a garbage adult. It’s just most people won’t admit it! I am terrible at adulting when it comes to confronting things that I know will stress me out…like filing my taxes. Urgh. I have to stop putting it off. 🙁

    A: Okay, so use that self-cleaning oven! We had one in the UK, and it was bloody amaaazing. Seriously. You just have to take all the trays out the oven and move any material (like oven gloves away from it…) then it gets hot and turns all the oven grossness into ash. When we did it, it also heated up the whole flat, so doing it in winter is best! 😉

    For the ironing, who needs an ironing board? Just lay a towel down on the table and iron there. I don’t ever do Ironing…but that is what my husband does.

    1. It was the self-cleaning function that made my parents house smell so horrible! I’m too scared!!!! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

      1. I wonder what they had in the oven to make it stink!? Maybe they left it toooo long before trying it?

        The thing is, when you use it, and it works you’ll wonder forever why you didn’t use it earlier! It is such a good feature.

  9. I live in an ancient house and the upper stairs toilet has been leaking into a Tupperware bowl for at least 6 months that I have to drain at least twice a day because I know the hassle of fixing that darn thing and no proper plumber will come out without charging me an outrageous fee because my house is so old. And I DO have an ironing board and on the rare occasion I iron I do it on the kitchen counter, dining room table or the chest freezer. And my mom is the last person to clean my oven. Adulting sucks.

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