how to – Fatty McCupcakes

I have only been blogging for two weeks, 4 days, 10 hours, and three minutes and I am already a millionaire blogging expert*. It was that easy. Well, it wasn’t easy- it did take some work**. But, anyone*** can do it. Want to know how? Well, it is your lucky day, because I am ready to reveal my million-dollar secret for…FREE****

Normally, a course such as this would cost you hundreds, but today only, I am offering you a guaranteed spot in my course for free*****. All you need to do is be available to participate in the live course at the time it is offered. That is it. Simple! Don’t wait! Sign up now!******

The word on the street is that blogs are no longer relevant. That is simply not true. There are plenty of people who are not bloggers who still read blogs. I am sure there are. You can still make your mark in this platform, however saturated it is. I say, “The more the merrier!”*******

I have also heard that you have to have a niche or be a good writer to be a successful blogger. This is also not true. You can have next to no writing skills and a blog that is more bipolar than Demi Lovato and still get incredible traffic. I would normally save this for the blogging course, but I want to give you a little taste of what you will get when you sign up. So, listen to this!

All you have to do to get blog traffic that is busier than the 405 in L.A. is sell your soul to the devil himself. This includes and is not limited to writing soulless drivel that has zero talent whatsoever, but that sells a brand, and losing all sense of who you were as a writer before you decided blogging was the way forward.

In a nutshell, blogging does not mean writing, so you could write…

Blah blah blah how to blah blah blah tips blah blah blah best blah blah blah why blah blah blah great blah blah blah.

…and you could get 1,000 people to visit your blog within five minutes of hitting publish. Try it before you knock it.

Don’t worry about being bad at grammar and spelling. Today, even the world’s leading news agencies have no standard online, so why should it be expected of you? Who needs to know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ with spellcheck and autocorrect…********

So, I’d be surprised if I didn’t convince you. This course will teach you the no fail********* methods for getting rich while blogging in your stained sweats. It’s a no brainer! See you in the course!

*My six-figure salary includes my inheritance. I am disclosing this information for legal purposes only. I will always be completely transparent with you, otherwise.

**By ‘work’, I am referring to sending a text to the contacts I have at Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, BuzzFeed, and a few top retail brands. But, you can totally do this without connections. Totally.

***Legally, I need to state that not anyone can “make” it as an independently wealthy blogger. It is estimated that there are currently 152 million blogs in existence. There are not 152 million millionaire bloggers, but don’t let that kind of negativity stop you!

****This special price of free does not offer a guarantee. There are no promises the course will load on your computer or will be compatible with your operating device. There are no returns or refunds, because it is free.

*****I am legally obligated to state that while I am not taking money from you in the form of payment, I will be making money off of your participation in this course in the form of traffic to my site, which feeds my advertisement payout.

******The time frame the live course will run is non-negotiable. 2:30 PM EST on a Tuesday is a perfectly reasonable time and day. What? Do you all have jobs?

*******It should be noted that the majority of the blogs making the big bucks were started in 2005. Though they made their mark 14 years ago, this doesn’t mean you can’t stand out among the hundreds of millions of blogs today. You just have to shine extra bright is all.

********Oh wait.

*********Full legal disclosure: 99.8% failure rate.

“If I hear her clear her throat one more fucking time…”

“We are sightseeing. Why do we have to sit every ten feet. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WANT TO SIT?”

“For what purpose do you unpack every single item in your suitcase and inspect it, to then put it right back into your suitcase the same way? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?”

I don’t care if it’s your nicest, never-been-in-even-the-smallest-fight friend, you’re gonna hate her/him at some point in your travels. The littlest things they do will grate on your nerves extra-rusty-grater-like.
Whenever someone spends every waking moment for an extended period of time with literally anyone, they’re gonna want to throttle them at least once.
It’s basic human nature.
It is possible to minimize and, if you’re lucky enough, eliminate becoming irrationally annoyed with your travel companion(s) with these failsafe tips:
1. Don’t be an asshole, (but if it happens, be a little understanding)
This one sounds pretty simple, but not being an asshole can be pretty hard when you’re sleep-deprived, you have traveler’s diarrhea, and/or you haven’t quite adjusted to your new cultural surroundings.

The best bet here is, if someone you know is always an asshole, don’t agree to spend six days and seven nights with them on a trip where escape is impossible.
If you or someone you know isn’t known for being an asshole, but you/they have suddenly morphed into Kanye West, blame it on the travel diarrhea. It’s not you, it’s the chapped butthole.
ALWAYS BLAME IT ON THE DIARRHEA.
2. Be prepared to battle
It’s gonna happen. Prepare yourself mentally for the inevitable fact that you will annoy each other and that it will likely lead to a nasty and probably public disagreement or argument.

And then, to make up, they’ll make this face to make you laugh and wait until you notice as you are actively avoiding them while waiting for your meal at a crowded restaurant.*
When you’re expecting it that your pal’s incessant throat clearing or tendency to dominate conversations and decisions will eventually annoy you, you can be better prepared to act in a positive fashion.
However tempting, leaving your travel partner alone in the Theatre District in NYC doesn’t do wonders for a friendship. Also, you’ll feel really bad if your friend gets shanked.
3. Be more flexible
This pretty much goes along with the previous two suggestions. No one who isn’t able to adjust and be flexible is fun to travel with. Sorry. It’s fact.

Source
If you have a hard time going with the flow, not only will you miss out on awesome travel experiences, the people traveling with you will want to send you packing.
Despite the fact that snoring and having to use the bathroom right after someone drops a Beijing Bomb is unpleasant, it’s all part of the experience when traveling and sharing a room with others. Embrace it.
4. Plan time apart
The best way to get back to semi-liking your travel friend is to not have to see their face or hear their mouth breathing for a couple of hours.
Plan some dedicated time when you can part ways for a chunk of the day. Maybe you’re into museums, but your friend is more into shopping. Perfect. You can each do what you want and get that much-needed if-i-have-to-spend-five-more-minutes-with-you-I’ll-do-murder-break.

Checked out some awesome Edinburgh back alleys. I swear I wasn’t looking for a place to dump the body.
5. Focus on what’s around you

Don’t get so in a tizzy that you forget what you planned months for and paid out the ass to see. Sure, part of why you planned the trip was to spend time with your friend, but let’s be real, an even bigger reason was to see the Eiffel Tower/Grand Canyon/Great Wall/Loch Ness.

Focus on the sights, smells, and new sensations all around you. Immerse yourself in your experience and ignore the reality that your travel companion feels the need to read to you every sign, banner, billboard, shop window, and names of businesses as you pass by.

This one was amusing, though.
6. Just get drunk
If all else fails, drink.

Bottoms up!
*I think it took a lot longer for me to eventually see his ridiculous face than he had anticipated. The entirety of the restaurant and 20 people walking by gawked and pointed before I turned to look and subsequently threw a breadstick at his stupid face.
Also, I’ve been given express permission to post his image. I’m just not sure he remembers me taking this one…