10 Truths Learned After Today

1. It is possible to eat a yogurt cup, a Cranberry Bliss Bar from Starbucks, a bagel with cream cheese, a couple pieces of fruit, and a mini cinnamon roll before 9:00 AM. 
2. After a hearty, diverse breakfast, it is possible to be ravenously hungry an hour later. 
3. When you forget to shave your legs, for a month, the sharp-as-tack hair will poke through your leggings. And it will be noticeable. 
4. Subsequently, said overgrown leg hair will stick out the bottom of your leggings. And, your students will give you worried/questioning/confused looks all day. Do they think I’m a man now??
5. 3rd graders are very literal. If you ask them if they can turn their day around after some poor decisions, and you ask again, with emphasis, “Can you turn around?”, they will literally turn around. The point was lost. 
6. When you decide to be healthy, for once, and eat a salad for lunch, you will take so long to eat it, you forget to check your teeth. As thanks, there will be a piece of lettuce between every.single.tooth. 
7. Your boss will come in after lunch. Because you have to be extra smiley to your principal, they will observe your tooth adornments, but you won’t discover that until you go to the bathroom. 2 hours later. 
8. When you play a KIDS Just Dance video on YouTube, for a brain break, the ad that plays before the video will be about Vagisil. 
9. 8-year-olds struggle with explaining their thinking in writing, forget something you said two seconds ago, and don’t remember you’ve been learning about multiplication for a month, but they can draw a very accurate portrait of you. Complete with chin hairs and zits in precisely the right location on your face. 
10. Salad can and will give you noxious gas. 

 

As usual, thanks, Pinterest
 
I didn’t ask, I DIDN’T ASK. 

38 thoughts on “10 Truths Learned After Today”

  1. I can relate to #1 but I’m a guy and I always pig out. And kids are always telling me “you have a shiny head”. Thanks! Actually, I’m proud of my big shining bald head!! Good post!! Thanks for the laugh!

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  2. AHAHAHAHAHA! Woman, you’ve done it again! I’m laughing so hard it hurts! And seriously, those little buttholes can and do remember every detail you’ve ever spilled about yourself (including the accidental leg hair spillage) but GOD FORBID THEY REMEMBER TWO TIMES TWO DURING AN EVALUATION! Grr Grr Grr. And what is with the unsolicited portraits…hahaha those things are always terrible!

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  4. I love kids but they’re kind of dicks. Honesty is not always the best policy when it comes to portraits. A little more like Adriana Lima and a little less like Sasquatch. Please and thank you.

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  8. #1 made me extremely jealous. All of that sounds soooo good right now. A couple years ago, when I had some extra poundage and my niece was 3. She could barely string a sentence together but, she always used to point at me and say “too big”. (I think she meant I was too old, but it was embarrassing because I was insecure about it… and it stung like a bitch)
    Just wanna say — you’re hilarious. You’re one of the few people I have ‘favorited’ on my browser and stalk every day to see if you’ve posted anything new.

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    1. Yay!! You’re one of my favorites too! Thank you! My cousin used to be blatantly honest too, and thank God I passed the “Not Too Fat to Notice” inspection, because she never pointed out my fatness. However, once, with my friend, she poked her stomach and said, “Heather, you’re fat, you know that?” We had to go out and drink that night. Kids are assholes!

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  9. I laughed, I cried, I laughed and cried from laughing! I think I peed my pants a little!Thank you for such an uproarious story/ autobiography!

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  12. You will hate me for saying that I have eaten oatmeal for breakfast for the past decade. Lack of choice is my only salvation against being the 200 lbs I used to be. I am so glad that my cats’ can’t talk, although Zhenny does complain that she can’t lie on me comfortably anymore because I am bony. 🙂

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    1. My mom has eaten oatmeal for the past almost decade too, but, like me, she also makes no less than 100 poor choices the rest of the day. Most mornings I eat a yogurt and a banana, but they had a staff breakfast at my school.

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      1. It’s a work in progress. I eat a salad and then a whole bottle of wine…no calories there. Off to dinner tonight with great intentions but know I will have a cocktail or two! 🙂

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  13. You can’t spell “salad” without “sad.” THINK ABOUT IT. Oh, and I can totally pack it away like a linebacker, AND you can strip paint from steel with my 3-day growth. High Five!!!!!

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