Yesterday, I went to Qdoba. It’s like Chipotle without the violent diarrhea. Qdoba is my go-to when I am in the mood for a burrito the size of my head. And, queso. Mmmmmmm queso.
Like any professional fatty, I always know exactly what I want. I could order my burrito in a coma.
Flour tortilla
White rice
Black beans
Chicken
Grilled veggies (because then all the other calories don’t count)
Queso (*whispering* Can I have just a tiny bit more? But, can you make it look like an accident?)
Cheese
Sour cream
Bag of tortilla chips
I thought everyone was like me when it came to these kinds of places. You go once, create a combination of over-salted, high calorie goodness, and just like that your sweet spot combo is forever etched into your cellulite, like a pleasure map. Then, every single time after it’s exactly what you get, down to the accidental extra queso scoop.
Amiright?
Then, why-please, Lord, tell me why-do people still act a damn fool when there are 80 people waiting in line behind them for their burrito fix?
Why?
This stupid, stupid amateur in front of me in line tonight almost got my brand new striped Toms permanently lodged into her gaping ummmmm-I-don’t-know-yet-hole.
People, do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to a fine establishment like Qdoba unprepared. If you aren’t sure if you want chicken or pork and you treat the available options like a life or death decision, your ass can go to a sit-down affair where you don’t make crazy, hungry fatties wait for you to decide if you want fucking sour cream or not.
I am absolutely fucking convinced there are people put on this planet for the sole purpose of being complete ego-centric jack-offs so that people get high blood pressure and the pharmaceutical companies and doctors are guaranteed a fat, consistent paycheck.
I think the mental health field is in on it too.
This is the only explanation for why someone would take 20 minutes to order one burrito at Qdoba, like it’s a funny game. This chick knew she was being an asshole.
Lord, please give me the strength, patience, and resilience to deal with these unaware, selfish people when I’m dangerously-and when I say dangerously, I mean, I almost did murder-hangry.
Please don’t hold this fatty up, playing like you don’t know what pork tastes like, because you don’t want to be between me and a burrito.
You do not.
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Rants, Ramblings, and Regrets
I love the “make it look like an accident” bit. I may have to use that line.
I’m not defending the indecisive fast food orderers out there. Make a decision, deal with the consequences, it’s a $6 lunch, not whether or not you get the surgery for your dying dog. However, can’t you call in your order?
SERIOUSLY! It’s like it’s the decision of a lifetime!!! I think I’ll look into calling in my order, but pretty sure you have to wait in line behind the assholes before you can get to counter to tell them you ordered food. So, you’re really only saving the time it would take to order your own food.
I am laughing because I can relate to being hangry!!!😂
LOL! It’s a very real emotion!
OK, I love Chipotle. I have not been to a Qdoba, but I’m sure I would nom that bad boy just as rapido.
At Chipotle the menus are right there as you walk in – so noobs can do all their calorie calculations and macro ratios or whatevs while they wait. They do keep people moving pretty quickly. I think the culture there is one of crowdshaming if you’re indecisive…
I’ve actually never been to a Chipotle since their little contamination issue. I was totally crowdshaming this dumbass, because she thought she was being funny by being indecisive and slow. Nope, it ain’t cute, and in fact, Imma cut a bitch in 3, 2, 1…
What on EARTH is cute about being stupid? I mean, it might make dudes think you’re, like, easy, but that’s not the best long-term partnering strategy….
SERIOUSLY?! Who is this girl think she’s fucking fooling?!
She’s “fooling” the same bro who thinks she REALLY eats salad all day.
Truth 😑
OH, AND I TOTALL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “NEW” AND “KNEW” 😳😖
I new u did.
ROFL and crying. I’m glad you knowed 😂😭😭😭😭😭😭
Ha Ha! Sorry but this just made me laugh. I do know this feeling!
LOL!! I’m so glad I’m not the only one (I was worried, briefly)!
No. No . you should never be worried for thinking what most people probably are and then telling it like it is xx
Good, because that’s pretty much how I roll 😉😂
I don’t do burrito places but there’s this pizza place called MOD where I live. Where they make your pizza with what you want on it. Seriously I can give my list in a coma: gf crust, pesto, cheese, more please, chicken, bacon, artichokes, roasted garlic, no the whole cloves, red onions and drizzle that with balsamic after it comes out of the oven. Why, why is that so hard? Even my seven year old knows what he wants: gf crust, red sauce, cheese, more please, pepperoni, sausage, black olives.
I always feel like a steer roper, I want to fling my arms in the air and shout done after I rattle this shit off. LOL.
LOLOLOL!! That’s hilarious!!! Yes, even young’ns can be trained to order with damn dignity and brains!!! There needs to be a class taught in school titled “How Not to Be That Asshole”!
There needs to be a lot of classes taught in school. LOL
Oh, SO.MANY!
That is hilarious! I feel exactly the same at Starbucks – WTF? Who orders half this, half that, caramel, soy milk, yada, yada, yada – and then they still complain! Just have a bloody milky coffee or a plain one.
BUAHAHAHAHA!! No freaking kidding??! Or, just know what the heck you want before walking up to order! Simple!
….and they never get my name right 🙂
That’s the worst!
Even when I roll into a new place, I still study the menu before I step in line to order. It isn’t that hard to know when you walk in the door and think…”Hmm, I want chicken, beef, dog, cat, or pork.” It isn’t that tough, why make it tough? Why piss me off? Why? Why? Why? Ok….I’m letting the rage go..I’m ok…
THANK YOU. EXACTLY. Decent human beings decide BEFORE they get in line. Dog or cat?? You must be a regular at Panda Express 😉
You are freakin hilarious and totally in my head! Shit or get off the pot!
LOL! I’m so glad I’m not the only one thinking these things and being annoyed when I’m slightly inconvenienced ☺️😉😜
Superb!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Lol! You’re being super nice! I sound like a crazed fatty!!
Yeah, didn’t want to highlight that anymore than required really…. 🙂
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
🙂
Oh my god. How did I find you?!? This is seriously hilarious and it so many good cords. Who questions if they want sour cream or not? Who doesn’t like guacamole? And LOLOLOL hard at the veggies= no calories line.
FAN⭐️
LOL! Well, I’m certainly glad you found me! I LOVE your blog name 👍👍👌
Qsedo? is that sour cream? I’m glad I don’t have to get in line ahead of you. My life would be in jeopardy as I have no f’n idea what all those things are! I’m have zilch burrito knowledge 🙁 I’m obviously missing something awesome.
I also came by to beg a thousand pardons and give a million thanks for the many visits to my blog over at Soul Gifts. *deep humble bow*
HAHA!! Queso is a cheese sauce. If you like cheese, it’s a definite yes on a burrito 👍👌😋😍
Gotcha! I loooove cheese 🙂
You would love it then!!!!!
Will have to lash out – I do like trying new things. I have had Mexican food many times and make tacos and the like at home. Never had or tried making a cheese sauce.
You should def try!!!
Chipotle and I get along just fine, but I NEVER go to the one in my town. There are always long lines and lots of drama at the one near me. And there are WOMEN WHO WAIT UNTIL THEY GET TO THE FRONT OF THE LONG, winding line to ask their passel of children what they want. They had TWENTY idle minutes with the menu board in clear view to ascertain that info!!! I’m not a professional fatty, I’m not even all that hungry, but it makes me nuts.
OMG!!! That’s, legit, one of my worst fears-getting behind an idiot with 20 children!!!! 😱😱😱😱
As always, a home run! So fucking funny! I thought I was the only one that pissed around her burrito. I’m like Jacob and imprinting on it and the only thing between me and my burrito are the above mentioned ass holes. You just wanna be like “Fucking choose! There is only 1 type of chicken and 1 type of lettuce!”