Flashback Friday: Fat Clap

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I be like normal people? Why can’t I be a calm, cool, collected individual? The anxiety, the rash decisions, the guilt. It’s all too much.
I’m useless, mental, insane, compulsively-driven at the very sight of…of cupcakes. I know. What the fuck is wrong with me?
The other day we had a staff meeting where cupcakes were present. They were brought out at the very start of the meeting. They were for a birthday, so tradition dictates that you don’t partake until ‘Happy Birthday’ is sung. Um. Why you people gotta play with me like that?
The.whole.time I sneaked peeks over at those beautiful confections of sugar goodness. It was mean, really.
They were taunting me.
How can you expect anyone, particularly one with an unhealthy relationship to cake, to actually pay attention to the matters at hand when there are cupcakes RIGHT OVER THERE? 
I think I know what we discussed at the staff meeting, but really, all I was concerned with was whether or not I would have time to eat my cupcake before the school day started.
During the height of my anxiety, when I was contemplating how bad it would look if I just snatched one and ran out, I began to notice everyone else.
They were all just casually drinking their coffee and jotting down notes.
I’m having the sweats and I’m feeling like an animal in heat and these people are cool as fucking cucumbers. Really.
It’s moments like these, during staff meetings where I have to abstain, with temptation taunting me, when I wonder how I’m not 400 pounds.
The fact that a fucking cupcake can mentally control me to such a degree is embarrassing. Normal people want one, but they don’t salivate like a starving dog begging for scraps.
My many, fervent, stolen glances over at the rainbow cake bombs, did the trick and it was finally time to get one! *Fat clap*
I basically mowed everyone down to get to them first. I’m that person.
I was instantly ashamed, but my regret didn’t stop me from checking the teacher’s lounge, at lunch, to see if there were any left.

83 thoughts on “Flashback Friday: Fat Clap”

  1. Trust me, most of them are experiencing the SAME INTERNAL STRUGGLE. If you could read their thoughts like cartoon bubbles, you’d see that. (Well, the women, anyway. The dudes are picturing y’all naked.)

  2. This post makes me feel sooo much better about the fact that I ate half a pack of Maryland cookies the other day just because they were there and I couldn’t be stopped.

  3. Ok I would so be exactly the same way! Definitely would not be able to concentrate on anything if I knew cupcakes were in the room. Actually at my friend’s wedding I was kind of like that- people were attempting to make conversation with me, but all I could think about were the cupcakes coming up…

      1. lol- baked goods are just more important!
        I think our evolutionary skills are just better than other people’s! In the past we would totally be the ones who were like “Uhh you guys, we can’t gossip now there’s a wolf over there who wants to eat us.” and then we would run away while all the other pre-humans were eaten… it’s like we just evolved better than everyone else- it’s not our fault!

  4. I’ve actually trained my co-workers. One of them brought in a cheesecake topped with raspberry jelly and delicately piped ribbons of fresh whipped cream. It was beautiful…a real work of art…and it whispered sweet words of seduction in my ear.
    “eat me….”
    AND they brought in fresh strawberries….just in case.
    I managed to focus on the strawberries instead of the sugar-bomb demon…but it was a close thing.

  5. Girl I would totally get this way on inservice school days where got a catered lunch! Forget the lectures meetings and trainings. WHEN’S MY FREE LUNCH?!

  6. You’re not alone. I have the same issue with croissants. I just can’t concentrate on other topics of conversation until I secure one of those pastries for myself. πŸ™‚
    You know, one of my worst jobs was in advertising at a newspaper. I was really badly paid, but it was all okay because they had a doughnut fund. Regular doughnuts stopped me from quitting for quite a while. It makes no sense! If they paid me a decent wage I could have bought my own blooming doughnuts!!

  7. Seems there are a lot of food fantasy confessions here. Mines is chocolate. It calls to me and I can sniff it out from 100 metres. I was once blown away that I found a chocolate bar in my cupboard that I had bought several weeks before. How had I missed it? Miracles do happen. πŸ™‚

    1. Watch these in order but remember: to the addict, nothing makes sense in the world except the substance. No lectures, no facts, no guilt trips or even late night house parties of self-loathing where only you and your mirror are invited will have the slightest impact until the chemical is gone and the neurological loop is closed.
      I know because I was you last year and every year before that. I tried everything and everything failed. I was a raw vegan, for fuck’s sake, and still fat and sick as a dog. Then, I ended all forms of sugar, saw instant results, and started the grieving process for having suffered a lifetime of unnecessary guilt, shame, and physical illnesses. I walk around these days wanting to stab doctors right in the nads, I shit you not, every single one of those bastards blamed ME and said the system was perfect.
      Oh, yeah, assholes? Watch this….


      1. No truer words have ever been stated. Did you know the only companies not to suffer during the economic recession were food companies that use sugar in their products? (insert Jeopardy music)

  8. Isla’s birthday cupcakes were in the house for two whole days before anyone ate them. Because we were shopping on Sunday and her birthday was yesterday, and we live in the middle-of-effing-nowhere, we had to save them. Thought of you. They taunted me, too. Neil wanted to take the extras home, but I left them with the teachers, because I’m one of those non-dick mothers. <3

  9. Who are these “normal people” of whom you speak? Are those the same rat bastards who invented veggie day at the office? If so, I hate them. (And I have a firm rule about hating anyone, but that veggie day crap nonsense must be stopped!)

  10. The author of Fat Women Don’t Get Fat (fuck that bitch btw)suggests always having a little snack in your pocket during times like this. Perhaps have an emergency cupcake in your pocket at all times. Sure, everyday would be an emergency but eventually when the firemen are cutting your wall to get you out, then that is when you could cut back. Lol!!!

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