21 Minute Survival Challenge

Just in case we needed more proof that I’m inept and would be 100% useless in a survival situation. Happy Flashback Friday, folks! 
It all started with this picture:

Actually, it started with Silver Donkeys at The Depot. Day drinking never, ever makes for a dull time.
Add some binge watching of Naked and Afraid, mix in my crazy friend, Alyssa, and you have our insane 21 Minute Naked and Afraid Challenge in the wilds of Oxbow Park, in the heart of Reno. It was intense. 
In all seriousness, this started with her idea to spoof the above picture. Obviously, the woman above is quite talented and lithe. We are not. We are the direct opposite. She thought it would be hilarious to go out into nature and take ridiculous pictures of our pudgy bodies, attempting to contort into serious yoga positions. It was insanely entertaining. Either we are hysterical, or just really, really immature 30-somethings. Well, here are our yoga spoofs:
 This is Alyssa’s version of the tree pose. It’s called, “Ride Em Cowboy”. 
  This one is called, “Smelly Poop Lip”. 
  I’m becoming one with Mother Nature. I need to work on my “serious face”, because it’s the same as my “pooping face”. 
 These are called, “We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Break the Bridge!”
 These are “The Warrior”, but because it took us 10 minutes to get to the rocks we stood on, these have been renamed, “Take the Damn Picture, I’m Done, and the Rocks Are Burning My Fucking Feet”.
Now, at this point, we are incredibly winded and tired, but we have more poses to do, so we forge on. Along the path, we are accosted by flying insects and there are red ants everywhere. It’s hot, we are sweating, and our mouths are parched. Suddenly…it turns into Naked and Afraid (Except, we didn’t get naked. Getting arrested for public nudity is usually frowned upon amongst the responsible adult crowd I’d like to say I’m a part of).
We decide to make shelter, find weapons, and pretend to make fire, all in the name of survival. We know we would hardly make it an hour in serious wilderness, so we named our wilderness attempt, the “21 Minute Survival Challenge”.
We took photos of our attempt to survive our harrowing journey through a city park. Enjoy.

Just chilling in our shelter. We scored and found a busted guitar. It will provide great rain coverage. Two minutes in and we are really feeling the effects of dehydration. We are sweating too much. It must be 88 degrees, and the walk-in was exhausting. I don’t know if I can do this. 

Attempting to make fire and I break a nail. I was close to my breaking point here, and if it wasn’t for Alyssa’s support, I would have tapped out. It was that close. 

8 minutes in and we are still in search of food. We are dying of hunger. The energy we are exerting in search of nourishment is depleting our fat stores. We can feel our body eating our fat. We also almost died crossing this dangerous canyon. It had to be at least 2 feet down. It was the most terrifying moment of our ordeal. 
 Alyssa’s breaking point. Crotch sweat. Unacceptable! 

We decide to not expend any more energy in search of water and food. We cuddle in our shelter to stay warm. Except, it’s almost 90 degrees, and what was that? Your walking stick? 

Red ant attack! Additionally, cuddling proved awkward. 

Desperate for protein, we shamefully, hungrily consider the used condom caught while fishing. That was our low point. 12 minutes in, and things are bleak. Morale is low. Our stomachs are growling and our lips are cracking from dehydration. 

Success! Alyssa catches a water-logged, half-eaten hamburger encased in its wrapper. It looks to be only a few days old. In desperate times, one must take desperate measures. We still have diarrhea, and we are afraid we have caught a sexually communicable disease from the river. This survival shit isn’t for the weak. 

Weak from exertion and lack of food and water, I cannot make it back up the hill from the river. Alyssa uses her last bit of strength to rescue me. I thought she was a bossy bitch at first, but we have built a bond that can’t be broken through this experience. 

Operation Retrieve Flip Flop was a success. We really needed this win for our morale. 

Silly times! Look! We’re dirty!

Due to vicious red ant attacks, we resort to resting on a log. Lesson learned: red ants live in logs too. Only 6 minutes left. We are running on empty and are motivating each other by reminiscing about our favorite meals. What I wouldn’t do for some ribs! 

My joints are stiff from lack of water, and it takes me almost 3 minutes to exit log. We are almost late to hike to extraction! 
 I have never been so happy to hear a train in my life! We are so ecstatic, we cry, and hug, and cry some more! 
After our grueling 21 minutes in the wild, Alyssa and I have learned a lot about ourselves and nature. First, nature sucks, and it messes up your manicures and pedicures. It also makes you sweaty and dirty. Ick. Second, we are both confident that given an opportunity to travel to some remote location as a part of the show, Naked and Afraid, we would survive for precisely 10 minutes. Nature isn’t for the weak or lazy, and we are lazy as fuck.
 The chick at Starbucks acted like we were rabid, or on crack. We forgot we smeared charcoal on our faces. Oops. 

57 thoughts on “21 Minute Survival Challenge”

  1. Hahahaha. You are so seriously funny. I just read this on your website and wanted to leave a comment but it wouldn’t let me. So I refound this post in my reader and none of the photos come up in my WordPress Reader{?}. Anyway, when I got to your photo of the sweaty crotch I burst out laughing! Love it!

    1. Thank you! I totally appreciate your digging through your reader to find my post to comment! You are awesome! You are seriously funny, yourself!!! πŸ‘πŸ˜‚

      1. I’m “paying it forward” mate (read my post if you are confused LOL)! My way of saying thank you for Following me. Hopefully we can all support each other by “Reblogging” our favourite posts from eachother and I believe it will grow our own little WordPress community. I’m glad we are part of each others xox Hopefully some of my Followers will Follow you too, and vice versa xox

        1. That’s a fabulous idea!! I hope the same happens! I know one of my all time favs of yours has to be the x-rated sausage!! I will reblog that one! I also first connected to you with your blog about the awkward coworker encounter. I hope that’s right, it was a long time ago!! I feel so blessed to have your support and to get to read your amazing posts! They are so relatable, hilarious, and heartwarming!!

        1. Hehe! It was pretty crazy! I will have to find your blog post where I first read your description of a Costco-sized bag of popcorn as a king-sized pillowcase. That was the one where I knew you were the one πŸ˜‚πŸ‘Œ

        2. OMG! I commented on the wrong comment!!! That was about Katie! I meant to say to YOU, I must reblog your post about the awkward coworker encounter! Goodness! I’m getting myself all confuzzled!!

  2. Mother of god, this was funny. Halfway through, I was fantasizing about hiking with you guys but then it hit me: I actually hike. You’d probably kill me in the first mile and bury me in the undergrowth before setting out for Frappuccinos.
    When Portland, Oregon, had a rare blizzard in ’08, some climbers did a similar satirical hiking story in one of the city parks: http://cascadeclimbers.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=857727

  3. Loved this.
    Have never watched Naked and Afraid but if you and your friend ever get your own TV show I’ll be sure to DVR it so I don’t miss an episode.

    1. It’s a really good show!! It’s awesome watching people suffer, I guess πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I’m so awkward on film. In fact, there IS a video we made. It’s on the blog somewhere. I’m hiding behind my friend and just laughing like a donkey the whole time, though. Fair warning πŸ˜‚.

  4. Used condom for protein? Ewwww πŸ™ I’m seriously impressed by your stamina and persistence. A whole 21 minutes- wow !! This may be the beginning of bigger and better things. 22 minutes next ?

  5. This is what I like to call a ‘soul-building experience.’ You survived incredible odds in your battle with the Natural…you weekday warrior, you!
    Might I suggest a soothing stroll along the lip of an active volcano (ie…outdoor firepit) for an encore?

  6. I am just so thankful that you survived this horrific ordeal and that you’re here to tell the tale. It’s amazing what the human body can survive. You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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