Zombie Apocalypse Fail

In preparation for the new season coming up, I am crack-addict binging on The Walking Dead, and all I’ve been thinking about is how I’d be dead on the very first day of a zombie apocalypse. 
When the boyfriend and I got to the episode where the group makes it to Alexandria, I said, “OMG. How has Darryl not taken a shower yet? That’d be the first thing I’d do. And brush my teeth!” 
(Now the running joke during every episode is: “Has Darryl taken a shower yet?”) 
My super sweet boyfriend responded with, “Babe, you would have been dead months ago.” 
Indignantly, I protested, but when it came time to detail the myriad reasons he was wrong, I had nothing. Nada. 
Holy shit. If there was ever a zombie apocalypse, I’d last precisely an hour, if that. I’d be that inept idiot in the first episode no one even remembers.
Since my asshole boyfriend was right (don’t tell him I said that, he’ll take it and run with it), I thought I’d share the reasons why I’d never last in a zombie apocalypse:
1. My asthma 
I get out of breath walking around my classroom and talking at the same time. Really, I could just stop here. Asthma is reason enough for why I’d be one of the first people to be eaten alive by zombies. 
It took me two months to get to the point where I could jog (and by jog, I mean move at a slightly quicker pace than walking) nonstop for two blocks. So, if the time ever came for me to run like my life depended on it for more than a minute, I’d be done just like that. 
2. My sciatica 
I first had a flare up with my sciatica when I was in middle school. The pain from my big ass all the way down my leg was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I recall barely making it out of the fast-paced school halls alive. Once home, I milked it for all it was worth-Advil around the clock, Mom’s special Home Sick Sherbet and Ginger Ale, and hand delivered meals. 
It was simultaneously one of the best and worst times of my life. 
Occasionally, my sciatica flares up and quick movements just ain’t happening.  I tried to show off my sweet Tae Bo skills to my boyfriend the other night and I pulled a muscle and pissed off my sciatic nerve. And, just like that, I was infirm. 
So, if my sciatica were ever to act up during the apocalypse, I wouldn’t be able to run or karate chop a zombie in the head. Anyone I’d be with would quickly realize what a dud I was and they’d leave me for dead as soon as they had a proper excuse. I mean, I wouldn’t blame them.  
3. My acid reflux and digestion issues
I’m an absolute mess in the guts. If I ever run out of Tums, probiotics, Imodium, or acid reflux medicine, you might as well just leave me for dead. 
Not only am I not exactly fit for zombie battle when my stomach acid coming up my esophagus feels like hellfire, my bowel movements when stressed could potentially attract a horde of zombies from miles away. 
4. My germaphobe rituals
When you’re running for your life from zombies and terrible, evil people, warm running water and soap aren’t exactly a priority. Hand sanitizer would never be on the grocery list between water and food. 
As such, I’d probably never make it to my first meal of road kill surprise. Not only would I have the hardest time not gagging while eating hastily cooked raccoon, I simply would not be able to eat with zombie brains under my finger nails.
Nope. Just leave me for dead. I couldn’t.
5. My beauty essentials/routine 
And, let’s not forget the benefit to being appealing-looking and how that might aid in the continuation of one’s life. I would not be a looker after just a week without my electric razor, dry shampoo, and foundation.
I know that beauty is not exactly essential for survival, but when the broad with a beard and noxious gas needs your help again, you just might be tempted to leave her in the woods.
Honestly, I’m really disappointed in myself and quite terrified that I’ll never be a Carol or a Maggie, but an Idiot Girl-Episode 1. 
So, do y’all have any tips for me to beef up my zombie survival skills? Or, am I a lost cause, so I should just keep doing what I do best-avoiding any and all physical exertion and marathon eating Skinny Cow desserts?
 That’s what I thought, too…
*unwraps a Skinny Cow Simply Amazing Salted Caramel Pretzel bar*

47 thoughts on “Zombie Apocalypse Fail”

  1. I quite know for sure that I will survive zombie attack…as soon as I brush up my make up skills, which presently needs to start with “What lipstick would suit me”. The plan is to ACT like Zombies , you know the face gesture, the gait, the lust for flesh .. blah blah. I will walk like them and just mingle in the crowd as if am one of them πŸ˜‰
    Now am sure there will already be a crowd of the zombies before it reaches my land, is coz all, every one of them, each and every one hit the USA first. By the time it comes to India, am sure I will be prepared with my makeup. I rehearse and practice almost every week. And that is my survival guide.

  2. I stated on my blog a long time ago that I know I’d be dead pretty quickly if the zombie ever come.
    And I’m OK with that.
    Taking survival skills out it (I have none anyway), the Walking Dead doesn’t do much to make me think I would want to live in that world.
    Let’s forget about the dangers of zombie and rogue bullies running around. Just the lack of showers, wi-fi, television, air conditioning, cold beer, etc. would be enough to make me just dive into the coming hordes. No thank you. Why fight SO hard to survive in that hell?
    On a side note concerning your germaphobe tendencies. I live in China and the bathrooms here would kill you. First off, it is all squatty potties. There is no toilet to sit on. That may be more sanitary, but it takes some real getting used to. Especially since you are rarely provided with a privacy door and never provided with toilet paper.
    After you do your business, if you are lucky enough to be in a place that actually provides a place to wash your hands, it it very very rare that there is any soap. And I can almost guarantee that there will be nothing to available to dry your hands with.
    Plus, every restroom smells horrible. I work in a government school and the conditions are horrendous.

    1. 😱😱😱😱 My friend lived in China for the better part of a year and I heard about the horrors of the bathrooms!!!
      I agree, they work SO hard to be able to survive in a living hell!!

  3. GUNSSSS! All the guns! You can sit on your ass in a corner and shoot them before they get to you. Better head to the target range and get some practice in. πŸ™‚

  4. Right there with you. I’d have been the main course ages upon ages ago. And seriously – why HASN’T Darryl taken a shower? Does he believe his grime gives him some sort of protective coating?

  5. Let’s look at this from a reasonable point of view. How dangerous is a shower? You are undressed. You can’t hear them coming over the water. And you don’t have any decent weapons in there with you(water is bad for them). Plus, why attract zombies by smelling better than them.

    1. I have never thought of it that way! WHY have I never thought of that!?! I mean they mask their smell with the guts in the beginning so it would only make sense that stinky=safe!

  6. Regarding your question “So, do y’all have any tips for me to beef up my zombie survival skills?”….err no, you’re screwed!! Mind you, I can only run so long and then I’d need some form of carbs at which point I’d probably be lynched by a bunch of them!

  7. Simple solution. Let one bite you then you’re a Zombie (if that’s how it works since I have never watched the show….too creepy). All your reasons for not surviving a zombie apolacylpse won’t matter because you’ll be a zombie.

  8. I’m a dead-in-the-first-episode kind of girl, too. Actually, more like dead-in-the-first-five-minutes-of-the-first-episode. I just about have a heart attack when faced with a spider; there’s no way I could handle a zombie. I don’t think they’re afraid of the bottom of my husband’s shoe, or my cat.

  9. TWD is the best!! But I get caught up on the hygiene questions too. I drive the hubs nuts with comments about how they all must reek and have halitosis, and the girls’ pit hair would have grown out by now, and where do they go to the bathroom when they’re on the run, and how come no one ever catches a cold, or has hayfever, or gets a rash, and what if they wear contacts, can you make your own contact solution? Questions or not, I will tune in faithfully every week!

  10. I would also die quickly in the zombie apocalypse and it also has to do with fucking sciatica, which I’ve been dealing with since I was twenty-three. I’ve had moments where I’ve literally collapsed because my leg was just like, “NOPE YOU GET ALL THE PAIN NOW!”
    I’m pretty sure it’s the Universe’s revenge for that time when I was fourteen and I laughed when my mother threw her back out.

  11. So Marc and I had a similar conversation last week (we were thinking of trump-caused nuclear apocalypse rather than zombies…but it’s similar.)
    We realized that neither of us have any survival skills. The only thing we could do is walk a long way if there is no gas for cars. I get really cold, so how would I cope if we had to carry everything we need? Duvets are massive, so I guess I’d have to carry one like a robe!?
    I guess if you add zombies into the mix (rather than nuclear winter) we could escape into the mountains… but I don’t know how to deal with bears either! Argh!

  12. And what about when Rick and Glenn covered themselves in zombie guts in the first season? How soon after that did shower (more than what the rain got off them)? I mean, cool survival trick, but certainly grosser than gross.
    Zombie survival … don’t forgot you’d run out of asthma meds pretty quickly, too, assuming you make it a few weeks or months. That’s the scary thing for most people – no meds!

    1. And not sure how far you’ve gotten, but Carol does that and so does a big group of them later on. Then, suddenly, they are “clean”! No amount of scrubbing, soap, and water would ever make me clean again πŸ˜‚πŸ˜±πŸ€’

  13. My husband and I go back and forth on this one a TON! I say I wouldn’t make it more than a day, he says he would make sure I would make it. To be honest, I don’t think I want to live like that! It sounds awful constantly living in fear of being eaten alive by the undead! To top it all off the threat of a guy like Negan? NO THANK YOU!

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