Apple Hill: Where Diets Go to Die

I’m about to embark, yet again, on the yearly event that single-handedly is the reason I’m fat. I’m hoping that while ya’ll are reading this, I’ll be on my third apple cider donut or nose deep in a sprinkle-covered caramel apple. Mmmm. Yes. 
Check out how I went ape shit last year at Apple Hill. 
I blogged last year about my time in Glutton’s Paradise AKA Apple Hill. This post basically outed me as a food whore. It’s not like we didn’t already know that with the type of posts I write, but this was my first post involving any type of visual proof. 
Since, I’ve been pretty IDGAF about what my pictures I post here and on social media portray.
I’m fat and I’m addicted to rainbow sprinkles. 
Get over it. 
So, without further ado, here are this year’s pictures of the annual Eat-Until-You-Are-Comatose-And-Then-Eat-Some-More trip. 

Aside from my “Oh Poop” sign, this is my favorite thing ever purchased at the Hill.
The first meal πŸ™Œ
If this were the only thing I got to eat the whole weekend, I’d have been good.
Attempting a sexy “Getting Down on My Caramel Apple” look.
This was how much I predicted I’d weigh after the Weekend o’ Gluttony.
Why are these so entertaining? We had to do all of them!
What a quaint, little creek.
We got to enjoy a beautiful view as we got stupid drunk at the brewery.
The best Vanilla Stout EVA!
The offerings that we got to partake in, quite happily!
We tried to take a picture showing how sad we were that some of our girls weren’t with us this trip. Are we convincing?
The best sight in all creation. Apple cider crumb donut. I couldn’t even.
Would you think less of me if you knew I ate all of these in one morning?
When this llama realized I had nothing to give it, it had no time for me, and, I SWEAR I heard it say, “Bitch, please!”

How you doin’?
Just sippin on my diabeetus juice.
In hindsight, an apple cider float AND a blackberry treat was overkill…
THIS is an Arkansas Black, and the only healthy thing I ate the entire weekend.
Chillin with my homies.
Wine tasting and hard apple cider-where it all went downhill.
Had my “sunglasses” been centered, this would have been THE PERFECT I’m-so-deep-but-adorable Instagram snap. Shucks.
Cute AF
I felt holding my baked treats up in the sky for a picture evoked an almost spiritual experience. It didn’t look lame at all.
We are HAWT!
All weekend I kept seeing a “pig hole” (what are these called?) and we never seemed to be able to do it. FINALLY, I got to be the pig. It was everything I had hoped it would be.
The last goody we ate before leaving Apple Hill. I was able to squeeze it in, because I had my fat pants on #prepared
And, because I wasn’t done being ridiculous, I decided I’d be an actual cupcake for Halloween. Here’s my attempt at being a cupcake for my students:

In ending, here is my promo photo for LuLaRoe leggings.  If you haven’t gotten sucked in yet, RUN…to the nearest pop up. They are the best leggings I’ve ever sucked my fat into.
Notice how stretchy they are. Notice how they delicately caress my bottom butt. Notice how busy they are so you can’t see my bumps and lady lumps. 

So, even after a weekend of eating my weight in food, I can still rock a semi-decent look. 

66 thoughts on “Apple Hill: Where Diets Go to Die”

  1. My favourite line was “This post basically outed me as a food whore.”
    best line ever!
    You would’ve think that I learned from the first entry not to read your blog in Starbucks… yet here I am again suppressing a guffaw.

  2. PS – if you are as obsessed with rainbow sprinkles as I am, you’re going to love my post tomorrow (11/8)!!! I wrote my post before reading this, but now I think we’re rainbow sprinkle kindred spirits.

      1. Rainbow sprinkles are seriously the best!!! Lol my husband makes fun of me that sometimes I will ask for sprinkles in my Christmas stocking instead of regular candy because I love them that much hahaha

  3. It is completely unfair that you share all these pictures in one place and don’t have any samples to share! Seeing them slowly roll up on instagram was ok but all in one place is making me DIE! I just want all the food.

      1. Im sure there are places! Lol we have a lot of spring fairs so thats when we get all the good food hehe. Oooo and the festivals! The apple butter festival? Diabetes weekend more like it

  4. Wow, everything you ate looked absolutely delicious. AND, I would totally be all over it if I didn’t have Celiac. That nasty little disease controls my temptations – beer, doughnuts, pies and all. But anyway, good for you! Next time you go, have some for me too! πŸ™‚

  5. OMG this looks sooo fun!
    Can I come and visit you one year and get involved in this? I think I *need* to try an apple cider crumb doughnut!
    Also, you look bloody amazing as a cupcake! What were your kid’s reactions!?

  6. You had me at β€œwhere diets go to die” mine snuffed it years ago, I’ve been munching cake ever since. I can feel an Applie baking session coming on. Apple dumpling or Eve’s Pudding???

      1. It’s my granny’s (long gone) recipe. Always made at Halloween with coins wrapped in grease proof paper and hidden within. It always had that sense of occasion listening to everything rattling as it steamed – then who gets the top coin?

  7. You are an adorable cupcake!
    My first though at the pig hole cutout with the cowgirl touching her hat was “Is the standee flipping the bird?” Maybe it was having a bad day?
    And I think I’ve just consumed my carb-limit for the week just looking at all those fantastic baked goods!

  8. OMG, I swear there’s a giant eye looking at you from that there #cloudporn! I couldn’t remember what you’d called it so I had to scroll back through all those food pics just to find it! See how dedicated I am ?! I hope you’re impressed….

  9. Many, many, many years ago I worked in a donut shop. I made the donuts. My favorite was to take a still warm plain fried donut, cover the top in chocolate frosting and enjoy with a chocolate milk. Yum.
    We used sprinkles too but, don’t yell, I didn’t care for them.

  10. There is no place for diets at an orchard – my FAVORITE THING to do this season. My gal pals and I went last weekend. On the way up (so before all the orchard food) we stopped at the MARS CHEESE CASTLE (yes, a cheese CASTLE) and drank beer and ate bratwurst and cheddar cheese curds. I think those cheese curds are still sitting in my stomach. And I regret NOTHING.

  11. Wait, a brewery, a winery, AND apple cider donuts? I’m jealous. I’m not even a big donut eater, but where I used to live, apple cider donut season was my favorite season.
    I like going to orchards, but I’ve never picked a single apple. Get me drunk and feed me, then let me wander a while and I’m happy. This looks gorgeous. Can I come next year? πŸ˜€

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