The Incidents

The First One
It was totally a gag gift. I swear. The second I got it home, after digging it out from the deepest depths of my purse, I threw it under my bed to never be seen again. I swear.
I’ll just come right out and be frank.
It was a massive pink dildo. It was huge. It was highly detailed, complete with a ginormous pink, wrinkly ball sack.
It was fucking terrifying.

My friend thought it’d be funny to put batteries in it so it’d be raring to go. When turned on, the pink bastard shook my brain three feet away.
So, that terrifying hot pink freak of nature lived under my bed, with the dust bunnies, a random sock, and strangely, a frying pan (so, that’s where it went).
If you ever care to know more about the events that led to what happens next in my story, head over to We Were Stupid AF.
I was at work the day I got that fateful call. I was working at a used online book company. It was, hands down, the easiest job I’ve ever had. The eight or so of us data entry temps all sat in the same room, at our respective computers. It was mindless work, so all we had to do was sit, enter ISBNs and listen to each other’s gossip.
It was nearing the lunch hour when I got a call from my friend on my work phone.
“We are getting kicked out, dude. You better leave work, because we have until 5 PM to be out.”
“Come again?” I asked, shocked.
“It’s serious, my mom’s here and everything. If we don’t leave by 5, they will call the cops!”
My goody-goody ass didn’t like the sound of that.
“Shit. I’ll have to ask to leave! OMG.OMG.OMG,” I said, trying to whisper my hysteria.
“You better! My mom and I are going to start on our room.”
Seven sets of ears were trained on my conversation. Their eyes were glued to their screens, their fingers flew across the keys, but they were keenly aware of every word I spoke.
Suddenly, my blood went cold.
Her mom. Moving out. Our room. The Pink Dildo.
Her mom is going to see my pink dildo and then I’ll promptly die.
“So, yeah, if you could leave work NOW, that’d be great.”
“Wait. Wait! So, umm. Remember my “Liberated From the Cheating Bastard Party” we had?” I whispered.
“Yes, why does that matter, right NOW?”
“Well, the thing is, I got a thing. You didn’t know about it, because Mary* thought you’d be a prude about it,” I mumbled.
“I hate Mary.”
“I know, I know. Well, there’s something under my bed.” I tried to sign over the phone.
The ears listening in on my private dildo conversation were now complete with judging, edge-of-your-seat eyes.
“OH, MY FUCKING GOD! What is it?!”
“Just please get it and hide it somewhere before your mom sees it,” I breathed.

“WHAT is it?”
“It’s a…dildo,” I murmured.
*click*
My friend was endlessly saving me, preventing me from dire fates, and always felt the need to be my second mother, because I was constantly being a dumbass.
The Dildo Incident almost did her in. She did, however, get to it before her mother (she wore gardening gloves to fling it into a box with my high school yearbooks and a long-dead philodendron.)

The Second One
For some inane reason, I kept the terrifying pink monstrosity for years. I reasoned that all independent, adventurous women needed to own a dildo of their own, even if all it did was live in the back of a closet under a pair of mangy late 90s era Steve Madden sandals.
Circa 2005, my boyfriend at the time and I moved into our first place together. His mom planned to visit as soon as we were all settled.
Now, let me just tell you a little thing:
Before she got to know me, I’m fairly certain she thought I was the (she)devil incarnate.
They were a ranching family from a small cow town. However, after the first year of college, her primed-to-be-a-Wrangler-wearing-Honky-Tonk son came home with black eyeliner, black hair, black band tees, and obviously, a black soul.

Not long after this, he brought home a girl with a lip ring and tattoos. She also happened to be an older woman. That girl was me.
She was pretty convinced I was corrupting her son, but she learned pretty quickly that he had plans to corrupt himself and I was just along for the ride.
So, back to her visit. We had a lovely day out lunching and shopping. When time came to get settled in for bed, she expressed her worry that she’d be a bit chilly with just the one blanket we had provided for her.
We both offered to get her another, but because she’s the kind of independent woman who never needs assistance from someone else (even when she seriously does), she insisted she could get one if we told her where.
We pointed her in the right direction and just when it was dawning on me that something didn’t feel right about the whole thing and flashing, red lights were going off inside my head, we heard it.

A sound like nothing I’ve ever heard before rang out. It sounded like the combination between a screech one might make when attempting to dodge a ball to the head that you know is coming no matter what you do and the long, low, pitiful moan of a dying soul.
Immediately after the most terrifying sound I’ve yet to ever hear in all my life, a thud. Then, a steady, whirring, vibrating that you could feel in your brain.
Finally, silence, as we all three contemplated the meaning of life.

The rest of her time visiting, she didn’t look at us once. Not once.
I guess that’s a pretty tame reaction, because usually the response from one who has been hit over the head** by a flying dildo from the heavens, belonging to a corrupt girlfriend of your only child, is usually so much worse (so, that’s where it went).

*Not her real name
**Years later, she was able to speak of the incident. That’s how I know it hit her square in the forehead.
All images courtesy of imgflip.
Fatty McCupcakes has been nominated in the Funniest Blogger category for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards. If this gave you a chuckle, I’d really appreciate the love! You can vote HERE! Thank you, and as Leslie Knope would say, “I love you and I like you.”

59 thoughts on “The Incidents”

  1. I. Am. Dying! The thought of that dildo hitting your ex’s mum on the forehead and then turning itself on. I wish I’d have been a fly on the wall 😂😂

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  3. Actually cry laughing!!!!!!!!!! I can’t breathe!!!
    When my sisters and I went to NYC for a trip, we booked to do a Sex and the City tour, my sis was telling her friend about it, who turned out to be a massive SATC fan she laughed about the fact that the tour stops at the sex shop from the show. So, when we were there and people on the tour got 20% discount in the store my sis thought it was only fitting to buy her a ‘rabbit’ for a laugh, you know! Except her case was randomly searched at customs on the way home…… her face was comedy gold!!!

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  4. OMG! I didn’t have a pink dildo but one year my sister-in-law decided for some god-knows-what-reason that it was a good idea to give me a BIG life-size penis, balls and all black candle. That thing never got lit. It lived in the darkest corner of the most remote cupboard in the house for decades. I rediscovered it not that long ago and finally threw it out before my ADULT sons accidentally spotted it. Somehow the thought of lighting it and watching it slowly melt was not enticing ….

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    1. DEAD. That’s what sisters are for, man!! HILARIOUS!! Probably a good call to get rid of it before the sons saw it. That might have been rather awkward 😂😂😂😂

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      1. LOL, yes! They would be shocked beyond belief 🙂 Parents don’t *do* any of that stuff you know. All babies are created through some mysterious process and the stork delivers them!

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        1. 😂😂😂😂 That’s what they believe and they’re sticking to it! I still believe I was created as some kind of crazy immaculate conception 😂😂😂😂

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  8. So one of my girlfriends received a purple, glittery dildo as a Christmas gift from her boyfriend’s aunt. Yes, you read that correctly. And no, it was not a gag gift.

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  9. I am SO happy you decided to go ahead and post this one. It’s good to *poke* a little fun at yourself like this. You really *penetrated* the depths of humor this time. I’m *vibrating* with laughter over here.

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  11. Once, my MIL was helping us move and we didn’t realize until later that she was the one who packed instructions on how to do a VERY KINKY thing we’re into. I still die a little sometimes when I look at her and just think “SHE KNOWS”!

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  12. OMG….I’m almost rolling on the floor here! The …ummm…. appliance (yea, that’s a good word!) from hell is pink & sparkly 😀
    AND attacks the older generation when you’re not looking!!!
    Where’s it hidden now?

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  14. HAHAHA! My bestie knows what to do if I die. The box in the basement, half the goods she made or gave me! Although, I think my teenage son has already come across it, he leaves no stone unturned when we aren’t home.

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  16. First of all, dying over here. I’ve helped enough friends move that I’m totally over finding toys now, but it’s still hilarious to me when other people get squicked out by it.
    However, you did remind me of a story my friend (the ER nurse) told a while back: she’d just finished assisting while they pulled something out of a patient’s butt and she walked past while the doctor was writing up the notes. Upon seeing what he’d typed up on the screen, she paused long enough to correct, “It was a vibrator, not a dildo.” Doctor turned and asked, “What’s the difference?” Friend Nurse sighed and answered, “Vibrators vibrate, and dildos… don’t. That thing had six batteries in it, I saw them on the x-ray; it was a vibrator.” Then she made vibrator noises at him until he turned red and fixed the chart. (You hit your boyfriend’s mama in the head with a giant vibrator, is my point. I feel like that’s somehow less offensive than a dildo, but I can’t put my finger on why.)

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    1. OMG. I guess it wasn’t a dildo! I had attempted to fact check and I didn’t read all the way to the bottom of the paragraph of the website I used to look up dildo facts (🙈😂) and it does say way at the bottom that dildos don’t vibrate! Well, I’m gonna leave it, because it just makes me look even more innocent since I didn’t even know what it was 😂😂😂😂😂😂🤦🏻‍♀️

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  19. OMG, dying here 😂😂😂 reminds me of the time my old dog Tosca (Giant Schnauzer- think a small hairy donkey with big teeth & attitude) ‘found’ my big purple comedy dildo and proceeded to run round the house with me frantically chasing her trying to get the damned thing off her before my teenage stepsons saw it and I scared them for life. Halcyon Days 🙄

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    1. OMFG. Now I’m dying 😂😂😂. “Small hairy donkey with big teeth and attitude”. I’M DEAD. I think my family had the same dog, but her name was Snicker 😂😂😂

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  22. And, THERE IT IS! I love you, Katie, and I love that you posted this story. I’m going to be sharing this all over the place. xx

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  23. I am really glad you decided to pot this Katie! I already shared it in twitterland because it made me chuckle out loud on the bus. 😀

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