The Fatty in Denial Diet Shtick

In case you haven’t caught the 872 times I’ve mentioned my trip coming up, I’m heading across the pond in just a little more than a week!
Way back in January, after making our first of many house stay reservations and the like, I remember thinking, “Well, shit, I can’t go on this trip with these fat rolls and bingo wings!”
Thus began what I call The Fatty in Denial Diet Shtick.
It’s a cyclical shit show of epic proportions. It’s something I do every time I have a reason to “finally” lose the weight. It’s a really fun game, amusement, joke.
Step 1: Realization
OMG! Amsterdam can’t know I’m fat!
It’s not like my thighs conducting heat when they are rubbed together as I walk or the fact that my jeans (when I wear the fuckers) have cut a permanent line into my fat don’t remind me of my overly bodacious bod, but the realization that I’ll be fat in another time zone and completely out of my comfort zone usually snaps me right back to cold, hard reality.
Step 2: The Game Plan
It’s time to finally get serious and open the Weight Watchers app I’m paying $20 a month for.
No more soda. No more white bread. No more sugar. No more happiness. Quit crying.
Join a damn gym or at least go to a yoga class once a week, shit.
Walk every day. Literally, rain or fucking shine.
Do leg lifts and squats while my students are testing. They won’t think I’m weird. I mean, they pick their noses literally while staring me down, so we’ll be even.
Buy diet pills on Amazon. All of the legit diet pills come from Mexico.
Take B-12 drops. They give me horrific gas, but too.freaking.bad.
All of the diet and fitness ideas and quick fixes found on Pinterest are explored. No obese stone can be left unturned.
Step 3: Actually Acting on the Plan
After making really big plans and promises that totally aren’t unrealistic at all, I settle on just counting Weight Watchers points and walking. It’s what worked ten years ago, when I was young. It’ll totally work now.
I usually set off with gusto, buying pounds of $60 coconut flour, enough carrot sticks for a horse show, a pallet of eggs, and 18 spaghetti squash (squashes?).

I was taking-a-fitness-picture-for-Instagram-serious about getting my fitness on.
Step 4: Going Hard and Heavy
…for a week.
Right as it starts getting really shitty and downright depressing that my days start with farty eggs and boring coffee, I start to relax the rules a little bit give up completely.
That totally looks like a cup. Well, maybe just a little more and it’ll be a cup (it’s usually three cups)
Granola is better than a glazed cake donut, so…
One bite is like no points at all. Yes, even when I take 15 bites. 15 zero point bites is still zero. I know math.
Step 5: Counting the Amount of Days Remaining Before the Event
If I have several months before I need to lose the weight, I can relax on the diet, because losing 20 pounds in a month is totally doable.
Why the hell am I already making myself miserable? I don’t need to start really getting serious for at least another month or two.
Step 6: An Upper Cut to the Double Chin AKA Sabotage
After months of telling myself I have “x amount of months” until I need to really get serious, it’s now D-Day. Inevitably, the following will occur to derail any semblance of the perfect diet plan I made so many moons ago, when I was still young and full of hope:
Teacher Appreciation Week
Donuts in the staff lounge
National Pizza Day
The kick off to Food Truck Friday
92 I-had-a-bad-day-Costco-sized-popcorn-and-Reese’s-Pieces pig outs
Sunday Brunch
A new donut shop within walking distance

I can’t go to the movies and not get popcorn. Like, it’s against the natural order of things. The popcorn is not in the picture, because I ate it before the movie even started.
Step 7: Defeat and Denial
Once the day that I-can-still-maybe-lose-a-few-pounds-if-I-really-try-hard comes and goes with a cloud of Cheetos dust, the defeat and denial sets in.
I mean, it’s pointless now, so I might as well eat those cupcakes I saw in the staff lounge.
Half of a watermelon in one sitting is healthy.
I gave it the old college try.
Step 8: Fuck Yo Couch
So what if I didn’t lose any weight? I didn’t gain any either. So, I basically met my goal. Europe is gonna get whatever body I give it, dammit.
Step 9: There’s Always Next Time
This one doesn’t even need a description.

In order to not disrupt the fragile space-time continuum, these steps are on an infinite loop until the end of time.
Do you follow the same steps? Did I miss one? Share your tips for not losing weight or getting in shape for an important event or milestone in your life. I can’t wait to hear how else I can fail miserably!

58 thoughts on “The Fatty in Denial Diet Shtick”

  1. I have a very similar “loop” but mine also has a “going to go ahead and eat this totally off-the-charts calorie-filled treat now…..and then I’ll start my diet on MONDAY addition”…….except when Monday rolls around there’s some reason why I can’t…….and then Monday never comes…………. I was Hell-bent on losing a boatload of weight before my daughter’s wedding…..yeah…..I think just THINKING that must have sabotaged my efforts because not only did I NOT lose a single ounce, I actually gained a little and looked hideous……I can hardly stand to look at the wedding pics that include me!!!! Oh I hear ya on this issue loud & clear!!! LoL

    1. I forgot that step!! Yes, the “I’ll start Monday” one!! I have A LOT of Monday’s that “never come” 😂😂😂. I’m sure you look just fine. We are so hyper critical of ourselves!!! ❤️❤️

  2. A movie without popcorn is like, er, a movie without a movie. Anyway, I’m still trying to figure out why Weight Watchers made chicken breasts zero points. And eggs too if I remember correctly.
    At least walking gets you somewhere. Unless it’s on a treadmill. Although I do like those stationary bikes that have a video screen that take you down a virtual path. It’s like biking without the falls, skinned knees, or danger of being hit by some jerk in a car.

    1. Eggs and chicken breast is like all I eat now 😂😩😩😩😩. I think it’s because they’d rather we eat ourselves to death with chickens than anything else!
      I’ve never done virtual reality biking! Do you forget you’re biking?? If so, sign me up!

  3. When in Korea I started going to pilates, sometimes 3 times a week! Lets be real, that happened MAYBE 3 times over the 5-6 months I was doing it. Lost not a single pound! I hate dieting because I always fail. I just make smaller changes and then I don’t hate myself or life haha. What is life without white bread every once in a while?!?! I just can’t.
    But seriously, didn’t Weight Watchers have a commercial where it was Jenny McCarthy being all “I can eat a whole watermelon!” If she can do it, so can you, Boo!

      1. So sad! Maybe the fat was being replaced by muscle weight? My teacher kept saying that she thought I was looking slimmer, but I didn’t see any difference. It wasn’t until I came home and started working as a nanny that the weight started to drop off little by little.

  4. There are no calories in drinks. Going to yoga class counts even if you spend the whole time in child’s pose. My personal favorite, if you eat it in the dark while binge watching Netflix, the two cancel each other out. Lol

    1. LOL!! Yes! Girl, have you ever done Yin yoga?! It’s basically child’s pose the whole time. Actually, it’s a TON of stretching and you hold the poses for 3-5 minutes, but since they are inactive poses, it feels like an hour long massage. BEST.YOGA.EVER.

  5. Ha! Great post. So relatable. one of my favorite lines, “Once the day that I-can-still-maybe-lose-a-few-pounds-if-I-really-try-hard comes and goes with a cloud of Cheetos dust…” Step six has gotta be my biggest issue. Why’s it so hard? Glad I’m not the only one.

  6. If it makes you feel better, I had big plans for cycling every day this week…and in the end I only managed to cycle to work once (oops!) This morning I was thinking, well. I failed every other day, so I might as well stay in bed a teeny bit longer and just start again next week.
    It’s so stupid because I know I have more energy all day if I cycle…but I keep wanting to stay in bed a few extra minutes… You’re not alone in this lady!
    Anyway, your trip to Europe will be amaaaaaazing whatever you weigh!!

    1. It’s such a struggle!! I know I feel better physically and mentally when we walk everyday, yet, I can’t bother to get my ass off the couch and away from Netflix!!

  7. I feel the same. I have a road trip to great wolf in July. ugh! Bathing suits! I have been trying to walk more and I am trying weight watchers.

  8. Just remember, Diet is just DIE with a T at the end.
    Most of my well-laid plans ended up failing in the morning…because bed, breakfast, and coffee are in the reverse order they needed to be. I need coffee to wake up, then a leisurely breakfast, THEN get out of bed.
    This is the exact opposite of mornings in my world.
    Failing first thing in the morning because nobody will bring me breakfast in bed just feels bad, so bakery goods were a good solace. Then because mornings suck and I had a donut for breakfast, what’s the harm of Fat Food for lunch? And everyone else at the office is ordering in, anyway…
    Dinner? Well, fuggit…I’ll just start first thing in the morning. After all…tomorrow is another day.

  9. “15 zero-point bites is still zero. I know math.”
    Oh, man, it’s like you plucked that right out of my brain! “This one potato chip isn’t going to hurt me. Neither is this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or…” XD

  10. My biggest weight loss tip? If it takes more work to get/make than it does to ingest it–it has no calories. Have you ever fried up chicken? That’s a freaking process. Obviously, you burned 1,200 calories making it, so have as many pieces as you like. If I have to walk to the car, drive 15 minutes, park, go into the coffee shop, wait in line, order my frappe, stand for 5 minutes waiting for it to be served, then walk back to the car, drive 15 minutes back home, then walk back into the house, I obviously worked off the 800 calories in the drink. Full disclosure–you will *not* lose weight using this tip. But you’ll feel more justified in getting fatter.

  11. “Do leg lifts and squats while my students are testing. They won’t think I’m weird. I mean, they pick their noses literally while staring me down, so we’ll be even.” LOL! LOVED THIS!!!
    Seriously though, those kids would probably rather watch you do leg lifts and squats instead of test! 😉
    And, I can’t believe you trip is finally here! EEEEEEKKK! I hope you have the best time ever. <3

    1. LOL!! I can imagine them whispering to each other, saying, “What is she DOING?” 😂😂😂
      I know!! So excited! This time next week, I’ll be pooping my pants in excitement/anticipation!

  12. You forgot the step where you have to eat all the snacks in the house before you begin. Heaven forbid you throw them away. That would be wasteful.

  13. Hahaha. Step 6. yep yep YEP! Oh but it’s Easter, then my Birthday, then my friend’s Birthday, then carnival day, then the Eurovision Song Contest, then there’s that weekend away, then it’s Friday of course. Fuck it. I’ll just eat cake everyday and all day and be done with it.

  14. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve tried to go to the gym this week. But then on my way to work I pass Taco Bell, various donut shops, etc… the struggle is real.

  15. I’m just like you, though I keep on the post poning the date for my “real-diet”, I just tell myself that this is practice and I’ll start from tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. Lol.

Leave a Reply