The Fatty is back!
It’s been a stressful start to the new school year, but that’s how it always is, so I’ve decided to make my blog-which is something I highly enjoy- a priority regardless of the stress I feel every.single.damn.day.
That’s life, man. We’re all stressed. I might as well make this crazy, awesome, shitty, whirlwind of what-the-fuck enjoyable by doing what I enjoy. That should be a no-brainer, but I have the Dumbs a lot.
I’d like to start with bringing WTF Wednesday back to its former glory*. I realized this morning that I can write a WTF Wednesday post that isn’t 8,000 words long. Not only will this be a more reasonable aspiration, ya’ll will appreciate reading the Facebook version as opposed to the novel.
Speaking of Facebook, that’s where I first shared this Worry Bout Yo Self tale.
So, if you’re a Facebook, sorry, you’ll be seeing this again. For your reading pleasure and ease, I’ve revised and added to the original story.
So, for the return of WTF Wednesday- the Mind Your Own Business Captain Obvious story:
Last Friday, on my way to get my weekly treat of sugar coffee and whatever carb bomb that totally wrecks any semblance of eating healthy I did all week, I stopped at the ATM to get my “weekend money”.
The ATM that I go to on the way to Starbucks is in a weird alley-type street. It’s between a two-way street and a one-way street.
The one-way street I call The Street That Takes You to Starbucks, because I have not one fucking iota what it’s called.
(If quizzed, I probably know very little street names in the city I was born and raised in. This is because all I need to know is if it takes me to Target or somewhere else mind-numbingly how-did-I-just-spend-300-hundred-dollars awesome.)
So, after using the ATM, I almost always go to Starbucks. It’s like my reward for doing adult things. Depositing and withdrawing money from an ATM is a really hard adult task, obviously.
The issue with this is that the Street That Takes You to Starbucks is one way the wrong way if you want to get to the Starbucks drive thru from said ATM.
Well, it’s actually not really a problem at all, because I make that one-way street my bitch and go down it any damn way I want, so fucking there.
Well, really, I’m not a rule-breaking badass at all, because I drive the wrong way on the street for precisely three seconds as I pull out from the Street the ATM Is On and then almost immediately into the drive thru. I’m 0% gangster.
I’m not a complete dumbass, so if a car is coming, I wait. If a car isn’t coming, I pull out and in really quick (that’s what he said) and all is right again with the world.
Further evidence for why this isn’t a big deal at all:
1. Whenever this occurs it’s ungodly hour o’clock
2. There’s never any cars coming
3. I drive the wrong way for precisely THREE FEET
On this particular Friday, Captain Street That Takes You to Starbucks Patrol in his Tesla was pulling off of the street into an underground parking lot that’s right next to the Starbucks. As I was sitting, waiting for him to pass or pull in (because I’m not a dumbass- see above), he was staring at me out of his open window.
I stared right back.
He continued to stare at me as he was driving down into the parking garage and as I started onto the street towards the entrance to the drive thru.
I’d like to take this moment to point out that his head was almost completely turned around, much like in the Exorcist and his mouth was agape, all while driving into the garage.
As he was not even looking at where he was going, he yelled, “OMG! ONE WAY STREET!”
He yelled this as if I were entering an eight lane freeway where all the cars are going 90 MPH and I’m going the wrong way, which was a HUGE exaggeration, as I was entering a lonely, empty street at 6:30 in the fucking morning.
Matching his intensity exactly, I yelled back, “OMG! I KNOW! I’M GOING TO STARBUCKS!”
So emphatically did I yell, that my basic bitch homeless person bun bounced with every over-enunciated word, especially on the word ‘Starbucks’.
The BEST definition I’ve ever read on Urban Dictionary. It even included the Starbucks. OMG.
Had I already gone through the drive thru, this would have been my face EXACTLY.
I sounded like the most ridiculous basic bitch ever. I really should have added “…to get my PSL and pumpkin scone, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!” for the full effect.
But, Captain Quiet Street With Nobody On It At 6:30 AM Patrol should really have minded his own damn business.
Let basic bitches be.
Do not get between a B.B. and her PSL. DO.NOT.
*I’m not quite sure it was really ever glorious, but whatevs.
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Rants, Ramblings, and Regrets
I kinda miss making Starbucks stops. We have a few of them here, but since I do not drive, it’s not the same…since I have to take a train to get to the Starbucks. I like my White Mocha Frappe very much, but I LOVE to people watch in the Starbucks.
Oooh that’s a tasty Starbucks option. People watching is the BEST! And, I get it. It doesn’t seem quite worth it if you have to take a train. I mean, Starbucks is alright, but it’s not take-a-train-to-get-to-one good!
God, I love your writing 😂 You made it really funny
Awww! You totally just made my day. Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it ☺️☺️
Your welcome, dear! Can’t wait for next WTF Wednesday ❤
I’ll have to make sure I deliver!! Hehe! 😘😘
So…you left out the most Basic Bitch detail–did you really get a PSL, or something else? I drank a “Snow Monkey” from the hipster coffee place last night and thought that was pretty “Basic Bitch”, especially when I treated JoJo to a 20-minute oral presentation on how much better the Sweet Cream Cold Brew is compared to the Snow Monkey. Pretty sure she contemplated steering the car into oncoming traffic just to do away with Coot-Coot once and for all…but, I survived to over-caffeinate another day.
I left that little detail out on purpose, actually. I did not get a PSL. They are OK, but aren’t my fav. I didn’t want to put this on blast and have anyone question my Basic Bitch status 😂😂.
Now, what is a Coot-Coot and a Snow Monkey?! Are they one in the same?!
I’m not a PSL person myself either. Never understood the appeal. But, give me a slice of pumpkin pie and an ass load of whipped cream and I’ll get fat boy wasted! Snow Monkey is a coffee drink with white and dark chocolate, espresso and steamed milk. Kinda basic, too, but it’s tasty enough. And if you want to find out what “Coot-Coot” is…read this:
https://themidnightgoose.com/2018/05/25/the-tale-of-coot-coot/
OOOH I want a Snow Monkey now!! YESSSSS anything covered in whipped cream is legit!!
WTF Wednesday’s are always glorious don’t you dare doubt yourself!
And this was hilarious omg haha! You’d think he would be used to people going down that street if it’s so close to Starbucks? Some people just totally over react lol
Awww! Why, thank you! I think he was new to the Street That Takes You to Starbucks. Anyone who is anyone knows you drive the wrong way on that street! He needs to get learned real quick 😂😂🤣
Haha I’m sure he will know now!
I was expecting you to say you made that Urban Dictionary update! That went perfectly with your story!! 😀
(If we were in person right now, I would do the sound from the Twilight Zone, so consider it done.)
Also, what a prick!
LOL!! Right?! It was like, meant to be! Pretty crazy creepy 😂😱
I love WTF Wednesdays, maybe I should start these I’ve had a few WTF moments this week already!! Laughed so much at this story, I get so many looks of disgust when I drive, because I don’t have a clue what I’m doing most of the time!
I can believe it!! We got a lot of those looks when we were driving over there 😂😂
🤣🤣
Oh, and I’d love to read your WTF Wednesday! Do it!!
As a BB I can totally relate to this post. I’d probably drive the wrong way for longer than three feet for a PSL and I expect everyone to mind their own business unless I’m actually endangering anyone. I like mine from a local place, though, that is WAY better than Stsrbucks, in my opinion. 🙂
Right?!?!? Unless I’m being a danger to others, shut up!! LOL. I agree, local places are usually WAY better!
Almost every day last week, I had a few cookies at prep, that’s how stressful the days were. Prep’s at 9:25 AM
What can I say 🙂
I say that’s a PERFECT time for cookies! Gotta take the opportunity when you get it 😜😜
I thought I already posted on this, but it’s not showing up … soooo, I’ll try one more time. I’m with you Katie – nobody better come between me and my chai tea latte! To do so is to have a death wish! Basic Bitches Unite! I’ve got my bun going on!
Mona
OOOH I LOVE me some chai tea lattes! #badbitchesunite #basicbitchbun
Ok so true story coming your way! I was driving downtown a few weeks ago and
I
1.) signaled to get into the next lane
1.)did not see the car in my blind spot
2.) encroached into her lane
3.) She honked
4.) I corrected back into my lane, and gave her the “Oh shit, I didn’t see you, so sorry face”
She:
1.) Pulled out in front of me
2.) Stropped hercar in the middle of a four way intersection
3.) Exited her car
4.) Came to my car door and said ” GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR YOUR CRAZY FUCKING CUNT! YOU SWERVED INTO MY LANE! IM GOING TO BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS!
I:
1.) did not exit my car
2.) because thats where the crazy people are.
https://damngirlgetyourshittogether.com/
Look, I’m not advocating any particular behaviors…but sometimes you gotta let people know you are crazier than they’ve ever thought of being. Sometimes you gotta get out of the car and act a damn fool. Go so crazy you scare yourself. Then you make a post telling us all about it. LOL
😂😂😂
LOL!! 🤣🤣🤣 How about you do that and report back to us 🤣😜😜
I got some stories. One involves me throw a flip-flop in the middle of a 4 lane highway. 😂
Better get your blogging fingers out and get to it! I want to hear a good story!
It’s honestly so scary to me that there is that level of crazy out in the world! Not getting out of the car was definitely the wise choice. I cut in front of some guy years ago when I was a pretty new driver. I probably shouldn’t have done it, but I needed over and he wasn’t budging. After I had cut him off, he proceeded to follow me and tail gate me so close I was certain his car was touching mine. When we got stopped at a light, he got out and hocked a loogie on my window. All for cutting him off. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?!
that is crazy!!!!! The funny thing is, I train in mixed martial arts…you know that crazy cage fighting shit? and was in the car with my sister, who is a police officer. I wanted to say ” hey lady, I am super sorry for getting into your lane, but I don’t think you getting your ass kicked is going to improve your day” lol!
BUAHAHAAHAHAHA! Honestly, your kicking her ass would have probably done her some damn good!
😂
Yay!! Welcome back wtf Wednesday!
I don’t really approve of driving the wrong way down a street (mostly because I’ve had so many cars nearly run me over recently when they’re doing things they shouldn’t like that.) BUT I would never shout about it or try to get between a driver and their coffee!!
I’m pretty sure shouting at someone like that is more likely to cause an accident than your 3ft of naughty driving!!
I can totally understand how you’d not be approving of this!! Eek! I still think about you when I see people on bikes! It really is scary how unsafe people are. Driving three feet the wrong way on a one way street is about as unsafe as I get. Everyday, I see people doing such reckless things on the road and it makes me so worried about all of the people I love who have to share the same road with such assholes.
What weird names you have for Coffee. Katie tell me are your beverages better than the British ones, as good or yours are rubbish and ours are tasteful. Pumpkin anything makes me heave … *runs to bathroom* Uh … yes a bath is the size I would actually need. 🤢😩
I miss the coffee I got in Britain SOOO MUCH!
As far as I’m concerned, spice is for pumpkins. And has no business anywhere NEAR a cup of perfectly-good coffee. Speaking of which, I go around the corner to “my” Starbucks where they see my coming and get my Vente Quad Skim Latte ready. A bit of small-town vibe right here in New Yawk City!
Haha!!!!
For some reason, I couldn’t see the entirety of your comment last night. I think that is awesome that you have “your” place in NYC!
Bat sh*t crazy!
Don’t you ever stop being you!!!
I take your basic bitch bun and raise you a Ballymurphy Facelift – a ponytail so tight it pulls the skin off your face 😎
Your welcome 😁
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU.KILL.ME.