The Fatty is back!
It’s been a stressful start to the new school year, but that’s how it always is, so I’ve decided to make my blog-which is something I highly enjoy- a priority regardless of the stress I feel every.single.damn.day.
That’s life, man. We’re all stressed. I might as well make this crazy, awesome, shitty, whirlwind of what-the-fuck enjoyable by doing what I enjoy. That should be a no-brainer, but I have the Dumbs a lot.
I’d like to start with bringing WTF Wednesday back to its former glory*. I realized this morning that I can write a WTF Wednesday post that isn’t 8,000 words long. Not only will this be a more reasonable aspiration, ya’ll will appreciate reading the Facebook version as opposed to the novel.
Speaking of Facebook, that’s where I first shared this Worry Bout Yo Self tale.
So, if you’re a Facebook, sorry, you’ll be seeing this again. For your reading pleasure and ease, I’ve revised and added to the original story.
So, for the return of WTF Wednesday- the Mind Your Own Business Captain Obvious story:
Last Friday, on my way to get my weekly treat of sugar coffee and whatever carb bomb that totally wrecks any semblance of eating healthy I did all week, I stopped at the ATM to get my “weekend money”.
The ATM that I go to on the way to Starbucks is in a weird alley-type street. It’s between a two-way street and a one-way street.
The one-way street I call The Street That Takes You to Starbucks, because I have not one fucking iota what it’s called.
(If quizzed, I probably know very little street names in the city I was born and raised in. This is because all I need to know is if it takes me to Target or somewhere else mind-numbingly how-did-I-just-spend-300-hundred-dollars awesome.)
So, after using the ATM, I almost always go to Starbucks. It’s like my reward for doing adult things. Depositing and withdrawing money from an ATM is a really hard adult task, obviously.
The issue with this is that the Street That Takes You to Starbucks is one way the wrong way if you want to get to the Starbucks drive thru from said ATM.
Well, it’s actually not really a problem at all, because I make that one-way street my bitch and go down it any damn way I want, so fucking there.
Well, really, I’m not a rule-breaking badass at all, because I drive the wrong way on the street for precisely three seconds as I pull out from the Street the ATM Is On and then almost immediately into the drive thru. I’m 0% gangster.
I’m not a complete dumbass, so if a car is coming, I wait. If a car isn’t coming, I pull out and in really quick (that’s what he said) and all is right again with the world.
Further evidence for why this isn’t a big deal at all:
1. Whenever this occurs it’s ungodly hour o’clock
2. There’s never any cars coming
3. I drive the wrong way for precisely THREE FEET
On this particular Friday, Captain Street That Takes You to Starbucks Patrol in his Tesla was pulling off of the street into an underground parking lot that’s right next to the Starbucks. As I was sitting, waiting for him to pass or pull in (because I’m not a dumbass- see above), he was staring at me out of his open window.
I stared right back.
He continued to stare at me as he was driving down into the parking garage and as I started onto the street towards the entrance to the drive thru.
I’d like to take this moment to point out that his head was almost completely turned around, much like in the Exorcist and his mouth was agape, all while driving into the garage.
As he was not even looking at where he was going, he yelled, “OMG! ONE WAY STREET!”
He yelled this as if I were entering an eight lane freeway where all the cars are going 90 MPH and I’m going the wrong way, which was a HUGE exaggeration, as I was entering a lonely, empty street at 6:30 in the fucking morning.
Matching his intensity exactly, I yelled back, “OMG! I KNOW! I’M GOING TO STARBUCKS!”
So emphatically did I yell, that my basic bitch homeless person bun bounced with every over-enunciated word, especially on the word ‘Starbucks’.
The BEST definition I’ve ever read on Urban Dictionary. It even included the Starbucks. OMG.
Had I already gone through the drive thru, this would have been my face EXACTLY.
I sounded like the most ridiculous basic bitch ever. I really should have added “…to get my PSL and pumpkin scone, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!” for the full effect.
But, Captain Quiet Street With Nobody On It At 6:30 AM Patrol should really have minded his own damn business.
Let basic bitches be.
Do not get between a B.B. and her PSL. DO.NOT.
*I’m not quite sure it was really ever glorious, but whatevs.
The Fatty is back!