WTF Wednesday: Why Your Man Won’t Touch Your Diet With a Ten Foot Pole

I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m a serial diet killer. I’ve been on one successful “diet” in my whole life (I actually lost 50 pounds and kept them off for several years- hard to believe, since that was many, many pounds ago). I truly have no clue what drove me to stick to that diet. One theory is that I was possessed by the spirit of Richard Simmons (yes, I know he’s still alive, but he’s so exuberant, his spirit is alive in all of us).

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I imagine if Richard Simmons could be available to me today to keep me from being food naughty, I’d be pretty successful. Like, if he could jump out of a bush and yell, “OMG! No!” just as I’m about to take a big ol’ bite of chicken and waffles, that’d be good.

One of the first diet fads I tried was Slim Fast. That lasted precisely 12 hours.

Low carb eating went on for a week until I found out sugar-free candy and cookies still have carbs (what’s the point even?).

So, let’s just say I’ve had a lot of I’m-starting-my-diet-tomorrow-so-let’s-go-hard-at-Cold-Stone Sundays (because diets can only start on a Monday, dontcha know).

My poor boyfriend has gone through so many conversations with me about food that usually go something like, “It’s OK if I eat this entire bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, because I’m going to start counting my points/calories on Monday,”, that he *barely* rolls his eyes anymore when I say something like, “I’m really going to get serious about eating healthy come Monday!”

Literally the boyfriend

Almost always he steers entirely clear of my “diets” and turning over a new leaf speeches, because he knows exactly what’ll happen in exactly four days when it’s not new and fun to add kale to everything and the cravings for anything but kale hit hard.

For several years now, my dude has been in charge of the grocery shopping and he so is not into my sporadic dietary changes, demands, and needs.

I majorly lucked out and got grandfathered into a deal where I don’t need to take part in the weekly grocery shopping when I started my first year of teaching. We decided it wasn’t super fun for me to have to spend the entire week in my classroom and then in a grocery store with screaming children and cranky parents.

It’s been positively lovely to never have to step foot into our crazy ass grocery store that I’m convinced is a portal straight to and from the depths of Hell.

So, despite grocery shopping being his job, he really isn’t a fan of:

Get me oat milk, but not the one in the green box. That kind was just a little too oat-y.

Don’t forget to look for the organic agave nectar (at a store that rarely stocks organic). I’m 62% sure it’s in the sugar aisle.

Like, by any chance, is there ever diet Ben & Jerry’s?

I know they never have spaghetti squash, but just check.

How inconvenient would it be to buy a horse-sized bag of carrots? Like, the bag you’d buy to feed a horse?

Make sure the ketchup has no more than two grams of sugar.

If you forget my chocolate cream pie, don’t even come home.

The grocery store we the boyfriend goes to has a million different varieties of All-American Pies right by the checkout for those last minute impulse buys.

If this image has made you feel a real hankering for one of these excellent cream carb bombs, you can actually buy a *new* 6-pack on Amazon for $14.19. Since they are like 50 cents-tops, I don’t think this is one of Amazon’s best deals.

The chocolate cream pie ones are pretty damn tasty with their gritty factory-flavor pudding and stale sugar-coated pie crust.

The boyfriend got in the habit of impulse-buying one for each of us every week.

At first, it was a fun and different way to ruin my diet. After awhile, though, I decided that shitty chocolate cream pie every week was not doing much for my figure, so I requested that he not get me one. Then, I’d sit seething and envious in the bedroom, where I couldn’t see, but could, unfortunately, hear him breaking into his pie.

(Due to the thick, but crinkly wrapper, Mars can hear when one of those bad boys are being torn into.)

So, it got to be too much knowing he was getting a cream pie and I wasn’t, so I requested that he purchase two cream pies until he heard otherwise.

“Are you sure?” He asked.

“I thought you were counting your points again?” He said.

I responded accordingly with:

He started getting two chocolate cream pies again without another word.

Like a predictably psychotic cycle, I decided the chocolate cream pies were to blame for my bloat, so I said a few weeks ago, “Babe, you have got to stop buying me those damn chocolate cream pies!”

“Are you fucking serious?” He replied.

I answered with:

I mean, don’t you know by now that I’m crazy?

I sorta kinda forgot that I had said no more cream pies, and after a particularly hellish day (that also happened to be Grocery Shopping Day), all I could think about on the drive home was sinking my teeth into a crusty, creamy pie for my dessert.

When I got home, I excitedly, expectantly opened the cupboard to discover NO CREAM PIE. NO.CREAM.PIE

“WHEREISMYCHOCOLATECREAMPIE?!”

“You’re joking right? You have to be joking. Please tell me you’re joking.” He answered.

The words “chocolate cream pie” are not allowed in our house. They are referred to henceforth as “those individually packaged chocolate pastry delights that I’m never buying you again”.

So, at least in my case, this is why my boyfriend won’t go near any diet talk. If you’re anything like me and your man balks at even the slightest mention of keto, carb-cutting or whatever diet buzz word is popular at the time, check yourself before you wreck yourself. It might not be because he hates your avocado smoothies like you’ve always suspected…just sayin.

What about your significant other? What can they just not even with you? Let me know in the comments!

43 thoughts on “WTF Wednesday: Why Your Man Won’t Touch Your Diet With a Ten Foot Pole”

  1. Oh, my God. Those freaking pies they display by the registers in every damn store and always have on special, like 50 for 3 bucks. Why are they so awful and so delicious???

      1. Hehe! I hate how you can’t go back and edit your response like on Facebook. I make mistakes all the time commenting and then they are just “out there” and it drives me insane 🤣😩😩😩

  2. I went through this for 16 years with The Husband Dude until I had my weight loss surgery. I was the fatty and he could eat without gaining. Now I’m a semi-fatty and he’s old with a slow metabolism. I have no point, other than sometimes the Universe actually balances out. If you live that long. 🤣

    I still crave those freaking check out line pies. They are the devil!

    1. It seems men more than women can get away with eating more than women and not gaining! It’s no wonder we are crazy. They don’t have to mentally battle to eat the pie or not to eat the pie 😫🤣

      I’m hoping shit will even out someday! Sheesh!

  3. 😂

    I found this app, budget bytes and I cook from there 90% of the time. It saves money and we have been having meals without…. wait for it….. meat. He does a little inside every time I cook artichoke.

    1. Ooh! Does it make the actual cooking easier, tho? Like, we need a Jetson’s robot. If I suggest a meatless meal, you would think I suggested eating dog shit. My dude won’t touch an artichoke and says they are a waste of time 🤣🤣🙄

      1. Lol! I’m all signed up for a robot!! That would be awesome! I don’t know if it’s easier but it is step by step and pictures. Some of the recipes are not good. Some are. It’s always good to go check it out in the comments first! Budget bytes has a website and it’s still free!

  4. Love this. Unfortunately, I’m in charge of the grocery shopping, and hence food. It’s my husband who will diet, but he’d never call it that. I know he practices intermittent fasting, but he’ll never admit to it. Guys are so weird!

    1. Guys are SO weird! When I was gone all summer, my guy didn’t go grocery shopping once. He ate literally everything in the house. One night for dinner, he had pinto beans 🤣🤣🤣🧐

        1. There are a couple of different ways to do it. Marc did 5 days eating normally and 2 days restricting his diet to like 450 calories.

          If you google 5/2 diet it’ll tell you more about it. 🙂

          1. I couldn’t do it (it made me think of food constantly) But Marc, and several other friends found it really suited them.

  5. The hubs & I like to suffer together because misery loves company in weight loss. it’s the relatives that grate me with the patronizing “oh you guys eat so healthy!” after we’ve lost weight and are hanging by our nails from the cliffs of the ‘maintenance diet’.
    Oh just pass me that freakin’ pie already!

    1. I wish my dude wanted to suffer with me! Thing is, he doesn’t have to- the lucky shit. He just needs to eat less candy and he loses 20 pounds. Eff!

  6. Totally relatable and totally hilarious post. In Canada they don’t have these pies by the cash register. They do, however, have almost every chocolate bar available to man. I feel your pain.

    1. I feel like those ones are so too sickly sweet and tart. They give me massive acid reflux 🤣🤣🤣🤣

  7. First, WHAT HAPPENED TO RICHARD SIMMONS. He hasn’t been seen in YEARS. Also, not shitting you, my coworkers and I punch-danced to Simmons today while on a coffee binger.
    SECOND…my significant other has been shoveling Reese’s and Planters Cheez Balls whole ive been dieting the past three months. It’s cruel.
    Also…try Halo Top ice cream! It’s “diet” ice cream and the kind I’ve had (birthday cake) tastes EXACTLY like regular ice cream!

    1. Our world REALLY needs Richard Simmons to come back! For serious ❤️🤣.

      That’s my dude. He eats BAGS of gummies a week and I try to ration how many grapes I get. It’s total bullshit 😫😫😫😂🙄

  8. I’m in charge of grocery shopping and we have been eating low carb, but my husband cheats every 2 weeks while he goes away for camp. When he comes home, he forages through the kitchen cupboards acting like a rat looking for cheese. I harp on him about being true to our new way of eating but in the next breath, I am asking him to stop at the movie theatre to buy some popcorn (which, btw is NOT low carb). He just about loses his shit when I do it 🤷🏼‍♀️, calls me out every single time!

    1. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Dude, samesies 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣. We try low carb all the time but just end up guiltily going through the Sonic drive thru at the end of the week.

  9. Firstly, i have been missing out on pies! I’ve never tried those!

    Secondly, there are halloween candy in the shops at the moment, so I was wondering if I should buy a bunch to send you Canadian candy… Then I remembered you’re on a diet and although you’d love it, you’d be pissed off with me later. *Then* I worried that you’d feel obligated to send me American candy, which I shouldn’t blooming eat because we’ve been trying to cut down on sugar! So I had a whole argument in my head in the store about whether I should be buying candy for you! 🤣🍫 I didn’t in the end…but I can go back and get some if you like.

    Lastly, I might be the man in my relationship. Most of the diets I have tried have been in solidarity for my better half.

    1. OMG. I love you, Josy! This just made my damn day, probably even my week! I can imagine exactly how this all went. I LOVE sending care packages and I’m totally planning on some cheat days, sooooo 🤣😉😉. I would LOVE to try some Canadian candy and I’d love to send you some American candy. Don’t feel obligated, though ❤️❤️

  10. We had a diet talk agreement in my home also, but it was more inclusive.

    Basically, after years of listening to my wife complain about her weight and me getting in trouble for no having the right responses despite the fact that I didn’t want to be in this conversation anyway, we finally reached this agreement.

    No diet or weight talk. NONE.

    My wife CONSTANTLY complained about her weight, but rarely took “real” action to do anything about it. Her weight did not bother me, but the constant complaints were difficult to tolerate after about the 8th year.

    I finally insisted that all talk about her weight must be stopped. She understood and we were much happier after that…until she lost a bunch of weight and fucked my chiropractor.

  11. Ugh. I hate those things. I haven’t tried the chocolate ones specifically, but the coating on the outside coats my teeth. I’ll pass on the pies and go for the booze.

    Once when I was complaining about feeling bloaty and fat, he looked at me sadly – I thought he was annoyed – and said, “I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you.” He has never ever bought into my talk when I’m complaining about my weight. So I mostly stopped. Now I’ll only point out if I feel fat in a weird way. Like when my elbows are getting pudgy (there’s no exercise for the fat around your elbows!) or when my feet get bloated from the heat. Then we both laugh.

    1. That’s a new one I’ve got to use- “My elbows are getting fat”
      😫😂😫😂😫😂😫😂😫

  12. I feel like your boyfriend and my ex would get along. I am also bat-shit insane and change my mind on a dime. He doesn’t mind dieting talk, but he gets suuuuuuper sick when I complain about being fat (not being able to find clothes that fit right, getting winded going up the stairs, “I don’t know why my stomach hurts,” “What did you eat last night?” “Twelve Taco Bell tacos.”) but then don’t actually do anything to try to change it. Like, I KNOW I’m not gonna stick to a diet, so I’m not even gonna pretend to start.

    Maybe I should show him this. “See? Even if I start a diet, I’m still going to be a mind-changing bucket of crazy. Except I won’t have had any chocolate in four days and that means THERE IS NOTHING THERE TO SAVE YOU.”

    1. I am the SAME way!! My boyfriend also gets SUPER annoyed with my talk like that! We are some crazy creatures 🤣🤣🤣

  13. Your grocery conversations are the same as the ones I have with my husband. Only I then have to write it all down and he still texts me at least three times when he’s at the store.

  14. This could be my husband and I. I can’t even explain the added sugar in canned tomatoes debacle. I now have a no-no shelf in the pantry. It’s knee high, to me, because I’m not bending over to see what’s on it. And it has a curtain in front of it, see no evil….Best of luck, sister.

  15. I had a lot to say about this post until I read the comment about the woman fucking the guys chiropractor. Um, DID NOT see that coming! Anyway, I live in Canada and we don’t have those pies. You could just move here.

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