Ah, Thanksgiving- the one* time of year it’s totally OK to fall asleep on the couch in your fat pants after getting gravy wasted and eating 18 rolls and fand a half pieces of pie.
Since McMilkshakes and Dumpy have started a weight loss journey right smack dab before the biggest eating holiday of the year, they have some worries. Some goals. And some real carb-filled desires.
How are you feeling about Thanksgiving? Hungry? Worried? Fatstatic (fat + ecstatic)?
K: I am totally a mixture of all three. This past weekend, my dude and I went to a Steampunk Ball. The skirt I always wear to Steampunk events was tight the last time I wore it. But, my Christmas miracle came early this year-it was fairly loose upon putting it on for the Ball. I had, at least, enough room for a few pounds of gravy-soaked stuffing and some (half) a pie. Yet, I’m not sure I really want to completely obliterate the work I’ve put in on stuffing myself silly. So, I’m damn hungry and feeling massively fatstatic, but I think worried is weighing more heavily right now.
A: I’m looking forward to it getting here and being able to relax. I am an obsessive over planner and have spent HOURS Pinteresting and shopping for the perfect ingredients and decor. I need centerpieces with matching table runners and place cards or our meal will not be a success (I’m that bitch🙋🏼♀️). As far as the eating is concerned I’m not super worried. Even though I can do a lot of damage to myself, and Costco makes an incredible pumpkin cheesecake, I don’t think one day will undo almost 3 weeks of hard work. Will it? One gonna-eat-like-I’ve-never-eaten-before-in-my-entire-life-thank-you-for-averting-your-eyes day. Also, I plan on being reeeeeeally drunk, so I probably won’t eat that much anyway, because the shitty beer I like to drink is very filling (probably because it’s 80% water🤷🏼♀️). In all reality, I’ll probably just spend the entire day barefoot, with the hiccups, telling everyone how much they mean to me, and then go to bed at 4:30 missing dinner entirely because mama can’t hold her booze like she used to.
*Diet tip: Get completely hammered drunk to keep yourself from overeating at holidays with your family.
**Bonus points: You’ll be too drunk to care about all the obnoxious life choice questions, AND you’ll probably throw up at some point eliminating some of those pesky calories.
How are you planning to not completely sabotage your diet?
K: First, you need to understand that in my family, Thanksgiving has already begun. It began with the arrival of my aunt and uncle from the north and it won’t end until everyone has packed their turkey-bloated rear ends into their cars to head back home on Sunday.
When our family gets together, whether it’s on Turkey Day or not, we eat like it’s end of days.
Thus, my plan is to not indulge in the excess- the creamy hors d’oeuvres, the carb-filled sides, or the decadent desserts on all days that aren’t Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving? I’m not counting shit and I’m eating until I puke. Go big or go home, I say.
A: With alcohol poisoning! No, I’m going to stick to my favorites that I literally have once a year (please see the aforementioned cheesecake reference) on Thanksgiving, in reasonable portions, and I’m not going to feel guilty about any of it. I had briefly considered lightening things up with healthier options, but quickly dropped that idea like a hot potato with a spider on it. Indulging in a handful of holidays each year is not what made me this round, friends- it’s the other 360 days I decided to treat myself.
What are your plans for the Big Day?
K: Fat pants. Eating with wild abandon. Pepto at the ready.
A: My family is spending it at my house this year. There will be 11 of us in all, which is exciting because my house is super small. It’s gonna be a clown car of drunken fatness all afternoon. Fun fact: this is the first year without my mom, and I already want to slam my head in the door til it falls off. So, all in all, it should be an interesting day.
Most Memorable Thanksgiving
K: My poor gram suffered with dementia the last years of her life. While her declining brain health left us deeply saddened, we realized that finding the humor whenever and wherever possible was our saving grace.
Poor Grandma got to be pretty downright mean in her later years, but can you really blame anyone with dementia or Alzheimer’s? Losing your mind has to be the scariest and most frustrating thing ever.
Most times she got meaner than a dog shitting tacks, someone would be offended or hurt. Sometimes, though, her attitude created a truly memorable family moment.
One year, right during grace, someone let loose a dirty joke, a fart, or something our dear, always-a-lady grandma would normally be appalled by. Instead of cursing us all under her breath, she decided to give it to us heathens once and for all. When we all lifted our heads after our half-assed, disgraceful grace, Grandma, at the head of the table was flipping us all the bird. Quite apropos for Thanksgiving, I think.
A: It was 2004 and I had been married for a little over a month. Somehow, my in-laws won the coin toss and we were having our first thanksgiving as man and wife at their house. It was the first year I didn’t get to spend with my parents so I was in rare form the minute I got out of bed that morning. Anyway, we were heading out to Carson Shitty and called my mother-in-law to see if we could bring something for dinner, ie. a pie or some nice bread? Perhaps a moderately priced bottle of wine? Nope. This woman requests a fucking bathroom set for the guest bathroom and could we please hurry because people were on their way over? So there we were- me and my new husband and my real bad attitude taking pictures on my red Motorola Razor flip phone – ‘no that’s ocean blue and I specifically asked for shell blue’ -to find the perfect shade of azure for her towels and rugs. I never got paid back for any of that by the way.
Most Embarrassing Turkey Day Moment?
K: Gosh, that has to be the time I ate so much and got so bloated with my turkey baby, my tights jumped ship and rolled clear off my gut and down to my thighs. You could actually hear my fat give a sigh of relief as it was released from its restrictive bindings. You could see the band through my dress roll and get bigger like a snow ball as it made its way down my lumpy mountain-like belly. This was also the last year I felt it necessary to rope in my fat for the biggest meal of the year. It’s leggings or no pants at all these days. For my family’s sake, I usually choose to wear leggings. You’re welcome.
A: I went to my family’s house for dinner one year and it happened to be a year I had just gone through the worst breakup in history. They will probably make a Life Time movie about it, or at least they should! Anyway, I loaded my mom in my truck, who was slower than the second coming of Christ. We always had to bring her giant purse (no joke this thing weighed at LEAST 10 pounds), her smaller purse, her walker, her walker basket full of nonsense, “No you don’t need to bring your hardback books, Ma.. there probably won’t be a lot of down time for reading. Please don’t bring your jug of water. I’m SURE Sheila will have some.” TWO cups full of crushed ice, portable oxygen with 3 or 4 extra canisters of air because you just never know, etc. No joke, I’ve gone on vacation for weeks with less stuff than she hauled everywhere we went. Eventually, we arrived at our destination and unloaded Ma Rip and her Mary Poppins bag of treasures, when I was immediately greeted by a long and sloppy tongue kiss from a very drunk, very married, older gentleman with no teeth in. My mom was smart enough to duck so I’m assuming I got two kisses worth. To this day, every time I see that gentleman I am reminded of that terrible kiss and I politely excuse myself to the opposite side of the gathering.
All in all Thanksgiving is a lot of planning and stressing for very little pay off, but at least there is pumpkin cheesecake.
Dumpy Von Marshmallow Waist and Duchess Milkshakes would like to wish you all a fantastic food-filled Thanksgiving. If you’re not American and/or you don’t celebrate this gluttonous holiday, we will eat a slice (or 10) of pie for you!
What is your favorite Thanksgiving food? What food would you totally wreck your diet for? Let us know in the comments!
*OK, so this is not the only time I engage in such activities. Busted.