Throwback Thursday: The Five Stages of Thanksgiving 

This is me limbering up for The Big Meal.

We all know about the five stages of grief, but did you know there are five stages of Thanksgiving? No? Well, sit down and unbutton your pants. It’ll be a bumpy ride along the lumpy gravy train to Food Coma Town. All aboard!

Stage one begins at the first sight of a fallen leaf. This glorious sight means pants weather. Fat pants weather. Fat pants weather means Thanksgiving is a-coming. With Preparing-for-Thanksgiving-Fat-Pants, comes the ceasing of any and all grooming below the belt. The growing hair provides warmth as the nights grow colder. Also growing, is the instinctual need to add a layer of blubber to the body for insulation. Diets begin to fizzle out, PSLs begin to replace protein smoothies, and an anticipation for what’s to come makes even the most sensible of individuals start to prepare their stomachs for the absurd amount of food that they’ll be stuffing into them.
As the days get shorter and the big day gets closer, the more competitive of eaters begin training their stomachs for the massive meal with marathon eating that includes, but is not limited to: the better part of large cheese pizzas, pints of Cherry Garcia, and entire bags of wasabi kettle chips.
Dreams are feverish, wanting, longing.

Stage two occurs during the day in question. The anticipation of mounds of gravy soaked carbohydrates and creamy cocktails to wash it all down has finally come to fruition. Despite a meals-worth of gherkins, deviled eggs, and shrimp dip, plates are piled high and inhaled with wild abandon. Oh, the rapture. The exhaltation. The pure delight.
Food is consumed at an alarming rate, and fabric is pushed to max capacity.

Somewhere between buttering a fifth dinner roll and the unbuttoning, unzipping, and unraveling of anything constricting, a realization that “filthy pig” doesn’t even come close begins to weigh on the psyche. For only a split second, “Maybe I should stop?” crosses the mind, but someone says “pumpkin cheesecake”,  and any and all semblance of humanity is lost amidst belches tasting of turkey giblets.

This is a bonus stage that only the truest of fat pants champions ever reach. This is when you become truly drunk on food. Instead of blood, you’ve got Grandma’s famous gravy in all it’s sodium-induced glory coursing through your veins. Incoherent babbling and hallucinations are common. If you’ve ever thought you were eating a piece of pie, but upon sobering up, you realize you ate half of a fabric leaf napkin ring, you’ll know you reached this challenge level.

Additionally, if you become food, you’re delirious af.

Stage four generally comes during the requisite food-induced coma directly following the unadulterated eating frenzy that went down like something normally reserved for the animal channel. After realizing that a five gallon bowl of jello salad has been demolished by only one person, in a span of four hours, a deep depression is expected.
The depression stage is especially bad if pant buttons are blown off due to the sheer force of an expanding gut, or expensive Spanx can’t even, so they jump ship.
Phrases like: “What the actual fuck is wrong with me? You promised yourself you wouldn’t eat six potatoes worth of mashed potatoes again!” And, “Did I even enjoy that half a pie I inhaled?” is common.
Usually, one must ride out this disastrous depressive stage at home, on the couch, with plenty of Maalox, hobo hair, and possibly Depends.

The last stage of Thanksgiving is amnesia, as anyone who survives Thanksgiving forgets the killer heartburn, diarrhea rash, and shame in less than a year’s time.
Unlike the five stages of grief, the five stages of Thanksgiving are cyclical and incurable.
Some scientists and theorists believe that there is something about the falling of leaves, the arrival of layered-clothing-weather and the availability of pumpkin spice everything that sparks something animalistic, ugly, and shocking in usually sensible individuals.

Enjoy drenching your plate in gravy. Take pleasure in numbing your fat pain receptors with booze. Be mindful of how delicious pumpkin pie feels sliding down your gizzard. Enjoy the glorious gluttony!

Happy Thanksgiving from your favorite Fatty!

68 thoughts on “Throwback Thursday: The Five Stages of Thanksgiving ”

  1. Pass that gravy over here.
    Most bizarre Thanksgiving ever: An afternoon with my enormous, black, Baptist bodybuilder friend and his wife. I’d never seen so much Southern food in my life. PS: Collard greens with bacon are fucking amazing.

  2. I am telling myself I won’t over do it… but let’s be honest here… I totally will and I thank you for the tip of utilizing Depends while I do my self loathing post dinner wallowing 😛

  3. What is the deal with freaking dinner rolls? I swear, no matter how full you are, there is ALWAYS room for another. The only exception is if they’re gone. I wonder, given an unlimited supply, how many one could physically eat? And they accompany anything and everything Thanksgiving, like turkey and cranberry sauce and gravy….

  4. Happy Thanksgiving!! I too go through these stages but usually at Christmas haha, although I should add another stage before the amnesia: personal loathing HAHA from eating way. too. much. and then feeling horrible. It comes after depression lol

  5. LOL!!!!!! I avoided it altogether the last couple of holidays. I was working last year so there was no Thanksgiving dinner, and this year… I had problems with too much mucous which made me nauseated. Plus, my period decided to start today. This also curbs my appetite. I stomached one plate, and not even an overflowing one. It was all I could manage. I haven’t been excited for Thanksgiving in a few years… but oh, do I remember the days! I also went through every one of these steps.
    I did, however, enjoy a lot of turkey skin this year.

      1. Last Christmas, all I could eat was bread. My stomach was inflamed or something, and I was emptying whatever was in it that night. Thankfully, I wasn’t called for work.
        Or maybe that was Easter… either way, holidays haven’t been agreeing with me as of late.

  6. I think I love you… #notacreeper I actually look forward to all the ‘guiltless carbs’ because you ARE supposed to over indulge, it’s expected so even though my yoga pants feel extra tight now, it is the one time of the year it is totally acceptable.

  7. The last stage of Thanksgiving is amnesia, as anyone who survives Thanksgiving forgets the killer heartburn, diarrhea rash, and shame in less than a year’s time. ” LOL Probably the most important stage so you can participate all over again!

  8. It’s my birthday that day! I expect to feel most of these stages, especially feeling bad after I eat so much! Because it’s my birthday, should I cut myself some slack? Should I do it overtime, double time? Perhaps…..

    1. Well, Happiest of birthdays! Gosh, that’s hard. I’m realizing now that feeling like utter death after overindulgence isn’t always worth it. However, since it’s your bday AND a major eating holiday, how could you not go double time? I say go for it! You’ll feel shitty the day after and that’s not your big day 😉😆

      1. I’ll do my best to do it big on Turkey Day/Birthday Edition. I’m making a cream
        Corn in the crock pot dish. It should be glorious. Cream cheese and half and half and all kindsa good stuff! Thanks for the wishes!!

  9. I still haven’t decided if I’ll break Keto or not for T-Day. I guess it depends on how tempting the table is?
    Last year, it was glazed carrots…sugar, glorious sugar…that brought me down. Seriously…sugar-coated vegetables were my Waterloo.
    You may sincerely ask me WTF is wrong with me now 😀

      1. Not bad, actually. I can usually tell if I’ve knocked myself out of ketosis, because I get hungry well before I should, or I get heartburn, depending on what type of carbs were consumed.
        I’m usually back into ketosis after a good night’s sleep. I’ve carbbed it up for a dinner-meal, and go straight back to low-carb in the morning without any real issues.
        After 1.5 years of this – I think my body has finally figured out how to switch gears depending on the fuel provided.

  10. Loved this. Don’t forget dressing. Wonderful, delicious, turkey dressing with those crunchy edges and covered in turkey gravy. Yum.
    I’m old enough now the only stages I deal with are anticipation and delight.
    Enjoy every minute of your Thanksgiving and remember eating a spoonful of healthy cranberry relish eliminates several thousand calories….it’s true, a Mom and Grandma said so.

  11. I feel like I need to come to the States one day to witness this Thanksgiving madness. I mean, can there really be that much food?
    Are you meant to make so much that you’ll have to have leftovers, or do people genuinely try to eat it all?
    p.s. I think you missed a stage – the “meat sweats”.

    1. Oh, and, yes! You absolutely need to come! I will photograph the food and show you the madness tomorrow. Most families do the turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, rolls, a certain vegetable side, and pie. We do all of that too, but also have two different kinds of stuffing and sweet potatoes and ham. We also usually have a jello salad and WAY too many appetizers! We top it all off with at least three different kinds of fruit pies 😋😋🤤

      1. Please do takes photos and post them on instagram so I can see it all! 😀
        I can’t be the only non American that is curious!!

  12. You’re damn right I wish we had Thanksgiving over here in the UK, although I could just create my own day! I’ll wait ’til Christmas and eat all the food then! Have a great Thanksgiving!

  13. I wish we would celebrate Thanksgiving where I live!! I celebrated it only once so far when I lived in the US and would love to do it again;) It was sooo much food.

  14. This is my fiancé to a tee! I’ve had to listen to her excitement about Thanksgiving since SEPTEMBER 1, and all I can say is that I am so thankful that today has finally arrived. She used to think that stuffing was the greatest invention since the printing press, but when I made dressing for her, I opened the food version of Pandora’s Box. What evils did I unleash? And when she mentioned “next year” after dinner, I started thinking about going into Witness Protection – I don’t think I can stand a year’s worth of anticipation. 😀
    Hope that your Thanksgiving was a good one – and worth the wait!

  15. The Stages of Thanksgiving in Beijing:
    1. Beijing Duck dinner on Thanksgiving. There is no dessert, so it feels almost guiltless.
    2. Beijing Duck dinner on Friday with other friends. Still no dessert, and depression settles in.
    3. wine and cocktails replace weekend meals, in an attempt to get the required Thanksgiving sugars.
    4. Ice cream is finally purchased and consumed in vast quantities until it feels like Thanksgiving is done.
    Happy Thanksgiving!

  16. Love it! I can add one more stage, it’s the race stage – you know the one “OMG it’s coming out the other end faster than I put it in my mouth, race to the bathroom”. That race stage! Thanks for the morning laugh!

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