Free Advice Friday From Your Aunt Fatty

Dear Auntie, 

The new president of the board where I teach is a passive aggressive power hungry bitch. She keeps praising me to my face and then going behind my back and saying nasty things to my co workers. And then she denies it. How can I deal with her and keep my sanity? And if that isn’t possible, how can I kill her and not get caught?

-Anonymous Idiot (who should have said no)

Dear Anonymous Idiot,

I once briefly worked at a place that shall remain nameless that had a board that was almost entirely run by moms of students attending. I think that was a major conflict of interest, but what do I know?

(I had way more to say here, but figured it’d be better for me to watch my big mouth.)

One of these moms hated me simply because she assumed I was too young to be responsible for her child’s education. She actually said to a teacher who worked there, “I don’t want that 18 year-old know-nothing around my son.”

No way! You think I’m 18?!”

I was 28.

So, all that to say, I know what you’re going through.

As far as I’m aware, school board members are elected to their positions. Next time she comes up to be re-elected, you know what you need to do. Until then, just be your amazing self and pay no mind to people like that. If you know you’re doing your job well and her comments are unfounded, it’s her problem not yours.

Also, it wouldn’t hurt to document the ever-loving shit out of every interaction and record every snippet of gossip you hear her quacking. You may need it, because if karma truly exists, ample evidence from the sane party will work in your favor big time.

Besides, if she’s doing this to you, she’s probably talking behind other backs as well. She might piss off the wrong person and your documentation could be the cherry on top of getting her removed from the board.

Best of luck and don’t do murder.

Love, Your Aunt Fatty (who is really, really mad about this bullshit for you)

Dear Aunt Fatty,

Can you help me find my calling? I see people around me who know what they want to do or are happy with what they are doing. From the moment I started searching for a job and a career, everyone asks me what I want to be…. and I don’t know. I don’t know who or what I can be. I’m average on everything including translating for the looks of things (didn’t get the translating job I applied for) and all I can see myself doing is retail, but I know that I can’t keep my big mouth shut anymore. If a customer pisses me off I will slap him with the keyboard or my hand. Depends what’s easiest at the time. How should I go about finding what I’m meant to do in life?

Sincerely, A Very Knowledgeable and Talented Queen Who Can Do Anything and Everything She Sets Her Mind To (I wrote this, because I only speak the truth)

Dear A Very Knowledgeable and Talented Queen Who Can Do Anything and Everything She Sets Her Mind To,

First, I think it’s really awesome (and also kinda like playing with fire) that you trust me enough with this serious issue.

Next, I’d like all of my readers to know that I know you personally, so when I say you can literally do anything, I damn well mean it and I’m qualified to say it.

You are too legit to quit and genuinely one of the kindest and most thoughtful people I know.

You impressed the hell out of my family when you took us on a personal tour of the Lincoln Cathedral. You knew so much and presented it to us in such an engaging way, I was in awe.

You know a handful of languages, dude. That’s like four fingers less than most people.

What I truly see you doing is working at a museum or important historical site. I see you being a director. I see you being responsible for all the important shit that goes on at these places (whatever that shit is, because I don’t know). I see you speaking your myriad languages to the other important director people of other important museums and/or historical sites. I see you wearing super smart lady suits that look killer on you (You’ll spice them up with a peekaboo lace camisole underneath and sky high heels. Or sensible flats, because let’s be real- heels blow).

You will be K-I-L-L-I-N-G I-T, girl.

If this is not what you want to be and you end up working the till at Tesco, I’ll be equally proud of you, because that’s just one step closer to being able to travel the world with your Soul Sister (me).

I know you’re feeling down right now, but don’t you dare ever say you’re average. Don’t you ever say that again.

Love, Your Aunt Fatty (who is #crossingherfingersandtoesbecausesicilyandobviouslyforyoutooimnotcompletelyselfish)

Dear Auntie:

Now that the cold weather has arrived, us girls need a little extra warmth on our bodies. Like most, I love the colder months because I don’t have to use a weed wacker on my legs to get them touchable smooth. How often should a lady shave those stems in the winter?

Much love,

Going to run in an Abominable Snowwoman contest

By Abominable Snow Woman, did you mean this?

Dear Going to Run in an Abominable Snow Woman Contest,

I’m so glad you brought up this very important issue. This is so something that needs to be covered every year when the temps drop and the chill hits.

Despite what every man on Earth may say, it is not at all necessary to shave for the entirety of Sweater Weather season. Like, there’s not one single reason to get your razor wet once.

If your body is covered head to toe in warm stuffs why shave? Even if you were rocking a tank and booty shorts, what’s a little butt hair poking out? We all have it. Right, ya’ll have an abundance of butt hair, too. Right??

Coming from someone who likes to look decent, I sure as fuck hate the process. I positively hate shaving because it takes so long my fingers are pruney and the water has run cold. I only shave for my massage therapist and only the places she will have to touch (and I’m only doing this as a courtesy, as I imagine rubbing down legs with a million porcupine spines has to be unpleasant).

I can just hear my dude groaning subconsciously. Sorry, boyfriend. You have hairy armpits, too.

So, rock on with your hairy bad self. Your built-in insulation will save on heating costs too, so I see this as a total win-win situation.

Love, Your Aunt Fatty (who is also participating in No Shave Octembanuaryarch)

Thank you so much to Giggling Fattie, who submitted her question above and also kindly posted on her blog about my Ask Aunt Fatty series! Check out her fantastic blog that I know you’re gonna love here.

A few of you sent in submissions (thank you, thank you, thank you) that I didn’t get to this week. Stay tuned for next week’s post to read your answer from Aunt Fatty.

Keep sending in your problems, people. I know you got ’em!

You can contact me here! Or, if you follow me on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook, you can message me there, as well!

21 thoughts on “Free Advice Friday From Your Aunt Fatty”

  1. Haha!! My selfish post worked! I love this series and hope it never dies.

    I literally shaved my legs the day I sent that question haha real life inspiration! You know my issues with body hair – shaving sucks dude!! I guess I can’t complain *too much* white body hair is much easier to deal with than darker.

    1. Yeah. You’re CRAZY lucky with having light hair. I was looking at my naked butt once (I know, why even do that??) and I legit thought I had some poo on my cheek. I was HORRIFIED. Upon further inspection, it was just my butt crack hair. No big 🙄🤣😫😫😫😫😫

        1. That part is probably hard. I guess no matter what there’s a negative and a positive with most of everything in life 🤷🏻‍♀️😜

  2. I also believe firmly in not shaving from September to June. Although this year it was in the 60’s in October, so I had to shave an extra 2 months. grrrr. But now it’s chip the ice from your car door to get inside cold and so I appreciate every ounce of warmth those extra long hairs give me.

    1. We had warm weather really late in the year too and it was total bullshit! My razor was way overworked and my fingers are just not not very pruney. Our weather has been colder than a witch’s tit, so I’ve also been grateful for my fur 🙌🏻🤣

  3. I blooming love these.

    I think I know who you mean is looking for jobs, and I agree, she is a total star. I hope she finds something to match her awesomesauce-ness!!

    Also bwahahaha for “No Shave Octembanuaryarch”

    I still keep my armpits shaved in winter, so that I’m not stinky after cycling to work…but I approve of no leg shave Octembanuaryarch!!

    1. Awww! So glad you’re liking this series! They are super fun to write ☺️

      Yes, she’s amazing and I know she’ll find her place ❤️

      I only shave my armpits when they start getting itchy (how do guys handle the itch?). I know, I’m an animal 🤣

  4. The good news is, when you are old like me and your hormones dry up, you don’t have to shave your body as much. The bad news is, you sprout chin hairs that would qualify you to join ZZ Top.

    1. Girlfriend, I already get those damn chin hairs 😫😫😫😫. I’m just overall “blessed” with an over abundance of body hair ERRYWHERE 🤣😫😫😫😫

  5. I am not sure The Husband would be turned on by half inch stabbers sticking through my pajamas. My hair grows so quickly I would look revolting in days. But each to thete own. I loved your replies..Annonyamus idiot there is an I feel threatend issue here, I agree she will dig her own grave if given time. Can’t wait for next weeks.

    1. Well, I’m sure my dude isn’t a fan either, but no one’s perfect 🤣🤣🤣. Glad you enjoyed, Friend!

  6. I agree with you on the documentation. That’s always asked for and shows you’ve thought long and hard when coming forward with an issue against someone. You’re really good at this advice stuff! And as for the shaving, in the winter, I only shave right before I know we’ll probably be having sex. Other than that, I pray to the sweet baby Jesus that hairs won’t begin to pop out of the tights.

    1. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Yeah. I literally only shave when I’m getting a massage 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

      Thanks, girl!!!!

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