The Dieting Chronicles of Dumpy Von Marshmallow Waist and Duchess McMilkshakes: Weeks 3 & 4

A week or so late and a lot of dollars short, here we are with our Thanksgiving update. We might also be late posting, because the diet struggle bus got caught in traffic in Eat Everything Even When You’re Full and Fat Food Town.

Shit doesn’t work…

How was Thanksgiving? Did you eat your weight in pie?

A: Thanksgiving was SO good!! I didn’t eat my weight in pie but I drank it in wine and other various cocktails (evidently, I forgot I was 36, and had to be up real early the next day). There only ended up being 8 of us, but we ate and drank and laughed until no noise came out. I had everything I wanted and didn’t feel guilty for a single second. It was legitimately the best day I’ve had in months!

When you get to laugh like this with your family, you’re winning at life (plus, it’s a great ab workout).

K: Damn near. I started out the day trying to be really disciplined, though, so I made diet pumpkin cinnamon rolls that are supposed to be only 3 Weight Watchers points per roll for breakfast.

Spoiler Alert: My boyfriend has requested that if I promise cinnamon rolls again they not be made with Greek yogurt and pumpkin purée.

He was not a fan, and if I’m being honest, they were not worth driving to my parents’ house to borrow a rolling pin because I don’t own one and then having to knead weird Greek yogurt-y dough.

After the disappointment of not-sweet-at-all cinnamon rolls, it was game time when dinner rolled around. I basically stuffed myself silly. I barely even came up to breathe mid-bite. I guess what I’m thankful for this year is not asphyxiating at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

I inhaled this plate in record time. It would have been embarrassing had I not been so amazed/impressed with myself.

How is the diet going, by the way?

A: Soooooo I kinda hate it. Not the diet itself; Weight watchers is fine, and probably the least sadistic diet in the industry at the moment. What I hate is the fact that I can’t behave like a normal person around food, so I have to call on other people (who also can’t act right) to tell me what to do. It’s bullshit. You want to know what else is bullshit?! If I want to shop at normal stores, and not have Omar The Tent Maker design my wedding dress, I’m going to have to follow some sort of program for the rest of my life. I could sit and eat an entire container of Oreos just thinking about it.

K: I think I’m doing half alright, actually*

*This was more than a week ago.

RED ALERT. NOT DOING ALRIGHT.

I’m struggling HARD. The abso-fucking-lute worse time to start a diet is during the holidays? What was I thinking? This was my dinner and drink of choice this past Friday night:

Fried and more fried. Not a wise choice.
I almost count this as medicinal after the week I had, so…

And then it just kind of spiraled out of control the rest of the weekend, because once fries tough my lips it’s OVER.

Le sigh.

Was it hard to get back on the stinking, sucky ass diet horse after the biggest eating holiday of the year?

A: It took me an extra day to get back to it because Friday I felt like a bag of smashed assholes, and I needed grease and sleep; rinse, lather and repeat. Then, I made the mistake of weighing myself, and magically found it much easier to get back to it. On any given day I can fluctuate 2-4 pounds just in water and how full I am anyway, so let’s just say the number wasn’t great. For the record, I would do it all again (hangover and all) because it was good for my soul to be with the people I love, and disconnect from the day-to-day nonsense for a few glorious hours.

K: See above.

What are you hating right now about this diet thing?

A: In theory it’s a great plan. They make healthier foods zero points in hopes you’ll choose things like eggs and veggies over a 12 point donut for breakfast thus staying fuller for longer, and giving your overworked, over-caffeinated body some of the things it actually needs. The problem is, I find myself skipping healthier options in order to make room for the naughtier ones. A glazed donut is 12 points. My favorite yogurt with almonds and a scoop of protein is 8 points. The donut always wins.

K: Three things:

1. I hate leftover chicken with my entire being. The second you reheat it, it takes on a whole new flavor that activates my gag reflex. In order to force it down, I drown it in BBQ sauce. It used to be “free” to dip your chicken in the sweet sauce, now it’s not. Because chicken is a “free” food, I’m eating chicken all the time. I’m just gagging as I eat every meal. It’s great.

Literally me, cooking chicken, knowing it’s gonna taste like garbage when I eat it for lunch the next day.

(I’m still dipping my chicken in BBQ sauce and not counting it and Weight Watchers can suck it.)

2. How much spaghetti squash can one person eat? Because, I think I’m at the lifetime limit already. IJUSTWANTSOMEFUCKINGPASTAALRIGHT.

3. Cauliflower rice is not rice. Like, not even remotely close to being rice. Frankly, I’m appalled.

Anything you’re loving?

A: Love is a pretty strong word to describe a diet. I love that I might not die of diabetes if I lose 40 more pounds. I appreciate that my pants fit better. Which brings me to another point: How did I ever wear said pants before this, when they are still so tight now? I think they were holding on for dear life and no one had the heart to tell me my cellulite was showing. But yeah, there’s no love here. Just broccoli and my attitude.

K: I love the idea that I am heading in a healthier direction. I love that my pants are a teeny, tiny bit looser. I love that I look a little more you-know-I-don’t-think-she’s-pregnant-I-think-she-just-ate-a-burrito-for-lunch. Also, I LOVE eating poached eggs for breakfast instead of a bagel smothered in cream cheese.

(The last one is a lie.)

Walking past the bad stuffs we really want bad, trying not to scream

How are ya’ll doing? Anyone trying to diet now? How’s it treatin’ ya? Let us know in the comments!

25 thoughts on “The Dieting Chronicles of Dumpy Von Marshmallow Waist and Duchess McMilkshakes: Weeks 3 & 4”

  1. So I’m not on a diet but I am tracking my weight. Since I started with these munchkins two years ago I’ve dropped 40lbs. Which is GREAT! Over the summer I thought I lost so much weight from my toddler nanny job but when I weighed myself I had gained two lbs from the last time! Lol and you know how I’ve spent basically the last month wallowing. So when I went to karate last night with my kidlets, I was surprised to see I had dropped 5lbs since the start of September! I’m starting to focus more on the weight drop cos I think if I drop more weight then I can run better and I want to be running more. And I told myself if I dropped down to a specific number I could get another tattoo haha. So there’s some goals there!

      1. So huge!! Even though every new one I get I say I’m never getting another one lol but it took 2 years for the first 40lbs haha and I want to go down another 30 so who knows how long thatll take hehe

  2. At this point I’d say I’m half-ass dieting. I’ve told myself (and my husband in the hopes of you know, accountability) that I want to lose 10lbs. by the end of the year. And then I ate 4 donuts, 6 garlic knots, a half a pizza, and an entire carton of peppermint ice cream in a span of 3 days. I’m easing my way back into the gym though, so that’s going swell, and by swell I mean my thighs feel like they’re trying to detach themselves from the rest of my body. I did turn down a blueberry muffin and a chocolate donut this morning, so I’m feeling like a winner.
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  3. Nope, I’m done with dieting. Like Popeye, “I am what I am”. I spent my 30’s, 40’s and 50’s dieting and beating myself up trying to attain the Barbie Doll image that’s been so popular for years.

    I read that Marilyn Monroe’s thighs rubbed and she had lots of curves and was considered a goddess so I’ve decided to work on acceptance and appreciation of me modern beauty standards be damned.

  4. I keto. It has a lot of perks if you are willing to make your own junk food. There’s lots of keto junk food out there. Which I make. But I’m past the miraculous weight loss portion. Now I’m at the slow grind of 1/2 pound a week. And with the amount of weight I have to lose, I’ll still be doing keto when they put me in the ground, after dying of old age. On the plus side, I’ll die of old age rather than kidney failure secondary to diabetes. So that’s good right?

  5. I met with a wellness coach for months in an attempt to start losing weigh pre-cruise. The only good change I’ve made is being able to drink more water in a day. Still don’t exercise. Still don’t eat half as much as is served. Still am at the same dang weight I’ve been for years. Sigh. I have no willpower!

    1. Well, you’re certainly not alone here! I have ZERO willpower! I also drink a decent amount of water. So, I say we’re winning!

  6. Just had a wonderful “Thanksmas” with my sister in town, and we brunched or lunched out (with wine!) every day, and we felt like Hollywood, only not skinny. It was amazing, but now I’ve got to be sensible or I won’t be able to fit into anything I own and will just have to play Santa at every holiday party between now and Christmas! I agree that you have to cheat sometimes. It just sucks getting back to real life.

  7. My damn doctor (damn only because of the she’s right/I’m wrong thing – really I love her! She hugs me after every appointment!) told me I have to completely change the way I eat. No carbs, no sweets (luckily cheese, my soal mate is not on that list, however, I’m not asking the doctor to confirm that). Not only to lose weight but to be more healthy. So that leaves fruit and veggies. Honestly, if I had a personal chef that cooked for me I could learn to love (um, like) eating this way. But left to my own I buy the healthy shit and it goes bad in the fridge while I basically feel hangry all the time. She also told me to give up alcohol – as if hell-on-earth is not bad enough!

    1. Ooh, girl. That’s rough. Does she want you on keto? Or, no, since you can eat fruit? It’s tough when it’s about health. I mean, that’s why I need to do it…At least you can have cheese! Oh, shit. Sorry, that’s all I got 😬😬🤣

  8. Pup is on a low-/no-carb, high-protein, high-fat diet. I mean, he is eating as few carbs as humanly possible. Not even fruits and veg. He has insomnia now, which is incredible. I’m considering it, if only just to shed the weight I need to shed to be taken seriously by a doctor about my health issues, but I know if they ask me what I eat and I say, “meat and cheese” they’ll just tell me to change my diet.

    Also. I mean. Potatoes.

      1. Yea, it’s the damnedest thing. I guess it’s common when completely removing carbs? It’s supposed to correct itself once his body is used to it. But, I’m just sitting here like, “That… doesn’t sound safe or healthy?”

  9. Keep going ladies!

    It’s awesome that you are starting to see some results, even if it all feels a bit rubbish at the moment. I don’t think I can count myself as being on a diet as I keep eating candy (we have a candy basket for students in our office…but mostly staff eat it…)

    I did go skiing for the last two weekends. My muscles are still a little dead several days later, so I *should* be able to count that as a healthy choice… but we finished each ski day with junk food, so Oops.

    1. Thanks, lady!! I think rewarding yourself after skiing like that is perfect!! I wish I had a good excuse to eat like that 😫😫😫

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