Yesterday, we put up Christmas lights on the outside of the house. This was my first time doing this (at the ripe age of 38), btw. There was some yelling, complaining, and arguing, but endless Clark Griswold references so that evened it out. It took a couple of hours because my boyfriend had to measure the distance between every gutter hook to the exact 12 inches. He also had to count out the same amount of lights between each hook. I would have just slapped the shit up there and hoped for the best. (It would have looked just fine and it would have taken 20 minutes.)
One of our neighbors stopped to comment on the arduous task it is to put up lights, people walked by with their dogs and children, and countless cars drove by in this span of time.
When we were finally done and back inside, I caught a glimpse of myself in the guest bathroom mirror, and I was shook.
I screamed, “Why didn’t you tell me I looked like this?”
From the other room, I heard, “Looked like what? That’s what you always look like.”
That’s what you always look like.
Ya’ll.
So, this is it. This is when I finally give up on looking even half-decent at home. This is when I don’t apparently care anymore about what my neighbors think of me, because when I say I looked a sight. I looked a sight.
I had regrettably not put on a bra because I was wearing my stained Old Navy sweatshirt from 1994. People aren’t supposed to know you aren’t wearing a bra when you wear a sweatshirt. Those are lies, ladies. LIES. How I know this is because I had no boobs at all in my putting-up-lights-attire. Literally looked like a pre-pubescent 12-year-old boy up top. Where were my bewbs? Well, those assholes had gone off to join up with my fat gut. I guess years of not wearing my bra in the house has not toned my pec muscles after all.
Next on the hot mess runway, we had my “festive” white and black buffalo plaid leggings that showed off some turquoise Hanes Care Comfort underwear that has zero crotch courtesy of my puppy. Too bad I wasn’t wearing them ironically because maybe this could be the next style trend? Also, I should probably throw that pair of underwear away.
The effort I had to expend while barking orders from the ground at my boyfriend who had to climb up and down a ladder repeatedly caused oil production on my face that could rival ExxonMobil.
Finally, we had the hair. I had it in a high messy bun. When I say ‘high’ I mean I had a unicorn horn made of a mess of frizz and tangles on my forehead. My inch-long gray roots made my hair appear to be floating over a bald head. It was a masterpiece of “You okay?”
Special mention to my worn-out plaid slippers that clashed so expertly with the rest of my you-look-homeless-how-do-you-live-in-a-three-bedroom-house look.
So this is how I know. This is how I know that I have unequivocally given up on my looks.
Yeehaw.
What do you wear at home and where you can be seen by the neighbors? Give me the tea.
Sounds like a pure class look to me lol
Hahaha oh it was 😂
Awwwww Katie I’m sure it wasn’t that bad! But also, you’re at home so its totally fine! I look like a hairless troll when I’m at home 😅😅
Also: YAY to lights!!! Even though I would have done it the same as you and just put them up haha
Also also: where the pics of these lights?!?
Awww friend! You’d never look like a troll. I’m definitely planning on sharing some pics when we’re totally done 🎄☺️
Haha when the makeup and wig are off its definitely troll like 😅😅
Yay!!! Pictures!
My answer to everything nowadays is “fuck it”
I like that way of thinking!
Your house, your rules!
P.S: I would have totally put the lights up without any prior measurement too!
You’re back!!!! I have missed your posts!
Awwww! Why, thank you!
Bwa ha ha! I have never put lights on the house, nor will I. Methinks it might lead to divorce no matter how we are dressed… Merry Christmas!
Hahahahahaha! Too funny!
😂
Hey – This is Iwillnotliveinvain 🙂 I have had to make my previous blog private so I’m restarting at emmasvensktiger.wordpress.com. Please consider coming to follow me again over there!