Apple Hill Shenanigans 

This is a rant and a dedication. So, buckle your seat belts, people. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
After yet another carb-filled and merrymaking trip to Apple Hill, I’ve learned more than just how far I can push the load-bearing limit of my clothing or exactly how many fruit-filled pastries I can eat before my stomach implodes. I learned this year that:
1. People are assholes, even when they are surrounded by apple pastries, alcohol, and an endless assortment of exciting crap to buy.
2. Surrounded by said assholes, if you’re among non-assholes, you are far richer than the dick in the Tesla who thought it was cool to park in the pick-your-own apple orchard.
This Apple Hill year, I brought along my childhood best friend. We’ve legit been friends since we were two. Some years we’ve hated each other, but, somehow, we always find each other again.

This is the absolute epitome of our friendship over the years. Me, being a complete and utter tool and her, 1000% over my B.S.
This is us totally rocking the thirteen-and-awkward-af stage.
Thank GOD we discovered flat irons and tweezers!

The first time this friend attended our Apple Hill shenanigans, my mom almost lit the motel bathroom on fire trying to light a Hostess Sno Ball turned into a birthday cake fireball from hell. My aunt almost didn’t see her 45th year.
Since, my friend has admitted that her trips to Apple Hill without us are just not the same. 
We left for The Hill in the morning on a sunny, way-too-warm-for-fall Friday. Despite the fact that the weather report said it’d be almost 80, I wore a scarf and ankle boots, because, HELLO, it’s practically a basic bitch law that if you go to a pumpkin patch, you wear a scarf and boots.  Bonus points if the pattern on your scarf is chevron.
Our first lunch was spent at a popular spot, so it took almost an hour to stand in line and get our food. Because it was still early, the wait and the endless people didn’t affect my mood too much. 
I totally had my selfie stick and I wasn’t even ashamed, except I still can’t take a decent selfie. HALP!
Right after devouring a cheeseburger and garlic fries, it was sprinkled caramel apple time! It’s tradition!

After I got my sprinkle fix, I was pretty much over walking around in the heat, looking at the same stuff, different farm.
While my mom and aunt looked at every single item, at every single booth, making friends with every single crafter as they went, my friend and I parked ourselves in the shade with an apple cider slushy.
We are sweating our balls off in this picture. Can you tell?
Note to self: apple cider floats > apple cider slushy 😑👎🏻
After way too much time in the sun and heat, we decided it was beer o’clock, so we headed to the Jack Russell Brewery. It’s the only brewery in the area, so it is a must-do every time we go to Apple Hill.
Without a doubt, every visit to Jack Russell is memorable, and this time was no different. 
This year, though, we decided that we very much dislike the people who own/run this establishment. They are rude with a capital bitch-eat-a-Snickers. 
Due to the unseasonably warm weather, the umbrellas were a hot commodity. After a table full of college-age girls near us had left, we tried to position their umbrella so we could get some shade. As we were trying (and failing) to make the umbrella grace us with sweet shade, one of the Cave Bitches (their meadery is in a cave-like room and they are serious bitches, thus their apropos nicknames) started going around closing the umbrellas.
Um, are you blind
This incredibly unfriendly lady wouldn’t know customer service or kindness if they each, in turn, smacked her upside her RBF. 
So, after being so kindly assisted with the umbrellas, we decided to just move one over to our table. In the process of doing this, we struggled a bit as the umbrella was awkward and there were quite a few trees. 
From the meadery cave, about 20 yards away, the Cave Bitch started screaming at us. 
This terrible person couldn’t even crawl out of her rotting crypt to speak in a regular voice level or to, gee, offer to HELP US?!
I hope we ruined your tree, Cave Wench. 
I had had just enough alcohol to feel brave, so in order to not make a scene, we moved to the other side of the outdoor seating area and drank an ungodly amount of beer. 
Apple Ale- similar to cider, but not as sweet 😋
The next morning, it was Apple Cider Donut Time. Along with Beer o’ Clock and Cupcake Thirty, it’s one of my favorite times of the day! 
A friggin masterpiece
I was pretty much in heaven as I devoured my fried cake and coffee. But, then, some asshole’s dog wouldn’t stop barking. 
If you know me personally, you know I’m obsessed with dogs. I love the shit out of their drooly, adorable faces, but sometimes dogs can be left at home. 
I know that’s a novel concept for some people.
This particular dog, the one who majorly interrupted my enjoyment of the sound of my gluttony, simply could not handle the sight of other dogs. 
So, one must ask…
Because I’m an asshole (that’s Asshole speaking). That’s why. 
After this, I had a mediocre apple treat that contained, precisely, one slice of apple, bought a metric ton of fudge, and drank even more cider.
I mean, I love me some pastry, but just pastry is too much pastry.

When we were attempting to leave the 80th farm of the day, a woman, unearthing her child from underneath all of the crap she bought and was storing in her stroller, decided a fine place to do this was smack dab in the middle of the narrow roadway.
At this point, I was still hungover, sweating profusely, and had killer acid reflux from all of the apple I had eaten. 
I couldn’t even. 
After six hours, she was finally done unloading the stroller and we were able to leave. 
I may or may not have rolled down my window to thank her for making us late for more eating.
Don’t keep this fatty from her eighth apple brownie. Don’t even.
Despite the rude and pretentious people we encountered, the bullshit heat, and the unbearable indigestion, being with people who made my food baby bump jiggle from infectious laughter made it all worthwhile.
My favorite part of the trip was leaving the brewery, drunk and laughing obnoxiously at the spaceships we found by the Porta Potties (they were bee catchers). We piled into the car (don’t worry, my aunt was driving and totally sober and capable), excited for impending Chinese dinner (as if we had not had enough). My mom kept yelling, “Look out, Dana, there’s a car!” every time we passed every reflective sign on the road. I was laughing so hard, I could barely breathe, as I sang along (horribly) to Eric Church’s Springsteen, head back, staring at the endless stars in the sky through the moonroof. 
So, take that Idiot Dog Owner, Stroller Simpleton, and Cave Bitch, you were no match for 10,000 calories all from carbs, fabulous, but unnecessary junk, and 100% necessary-for-my-sanity ladies who know how to party. 
Apple Hill 2017 is one for the books. 

I won Apple Hill!

When I think about 17, I think about my best friend. 

41 thoughts on “Apple Hill Shenanigans ”

  1. I needed this. I need to figure out how to laugh about things, only I don’t have a circle of friends to make me. I might have one or three people and they are nearly as over my shit as I am. I think I need your wristwatch to help me keep time. If I have time, maybe I’ll blog about things, but I’ve been keeping pretty horribly busy doing other people’s things and have very little time after handling my own business after that, there’s little time for rest, much less amusement. My emotional thing is full into anger and depression. I’m looking forward to December or January, when it’ll switch to mania and anger. At least then I have a fighting chance against the piles of piles, if I can find the shovel. Thank you for sharing.
    Sorry about my dog, but he likes other dogs almost as much as I like other people. Most of the other people I run into are almost as nice, polite, considerate and helpful as your cave bitches, stroller simpletons, (not to mention demanding dumbasses I’m supposed to help out of whatever they got themselves into, etc.) …and I keep trying hard not to run into idiot drivers.
    I hope I can find one of those wristwatches sometime soon.
    <3 DM

    1. I am TOTALLY not looking forward to the mania that is the Christmas season!! It’s my favorite, yet least favorite time of the year! I totally get it.
      I hope you can find yourself some people you can laugh with! It’s important!

  2. Omg, Kaite!! Seriously. This is one for the record books. Do you just sit down and type all this out or is there a process to get all that sassiness in? I hope it’s just a “sit down and type” deal, but if not that’s ok haha. Maybe don’t tell me. It might ruin the magic.
    I have decided on the title for your first book: “Rules for being a Basic AF Chick” can you imagine how rich you will be? And how many lives you will be enhancing with your knowledge? You’re already my spiritual guide on the subject. Might as well make some bank!

  3. I’m glad the carbs got you through it! It’s one of my bug-bears when people are just so oblivious to others (stroller woman)…like, look around you! And yeah, people who bring dogs to places where there will be other dogs, when their dog hates all other dogs. My dog would be in her element, but she’d be more interested in making friends with the people than the dogs. Glad you survived this year!

  4. Waaaait a minute! Is the cider slushy alcoholic? Is it just really really cold cider? If so, that is amaaaazing! If they have called some sort of apple-juice slushy drink cider, then I am slightly disappointed in that farm.
    “Apple Cider Donut Time. Along with Beer o’ Clock and Cupcake Thirty, it’s one of my favorite times of the day!” You simultaneously kill and me and make me giggle out loud. Good work Katie, good work!
    Also, I LOVE your cupcake top! <3
    I have a feeling all those people would be nicer if it was just a little colder. Hopefully next year it'll be cooler, and less full of knob-heads.

    1. Haha! The cider that is all over Apple Hill is basically just apple juice, but better because it’s crazy fresh and unpasteurized. Not alcoholic, except for the cider at the brewery 😜.
      Thank you for always being so supportive of my craziness 😂😂😘.

  5. People bring their dogs when they shouldn’t because they might have to accept that they are a lacking dog-parent who should know better 😠😠😠 I always want to go to food festivals but I full up quickly and NEVER get my ticket worth of food. All the sprinkles!!

  6. OMG, Katie! Thank you for the reminder of why I am glad my son is now 20 and I am no longer obligated to subject myself to things like this and can be satisfied with the cute little pictures of my friends and family carting their crew around the muck looking for pumpkins. I’m right there with you on the use of alcohol and treats to make it through…

  7. This sounds like an absolute gas! Beer o’clock is also one of my favorite times of the day, along with coffee-thirty, and nacho-night. 😉
    I don’t understand dog owners who are so oblivious to their dog’s behavior; I am overly-aware when Nellie is being naughty, which is why I THINK BEFORE I BRING HER SOMEWHERE! Le sigh. Also, cave bitch sounds like she could have used a stone to the head. Oh no, I’m getting violent, I better go… 😉

  8. Despite all the arseholes, I really want to go to Apple Hill. I was just drooling reading this post plus LOLling a lot at “Look out Dana, there’s a car”. Your family is so my family 😂

          1. It sound lovely! I am way down south in Louisiana. Not so close to drop in. Perhaps if I’m ever in Cali. Thanks for the recommendation!

Leave a Reply