If you’ve been reading my crazy ramblings for some time now, you know that it’s no secret that my family and I have had almost zero luck in the attractive hair department. In case you haven’t caught the posts I’ve done on hair fails, I’ll link to those AND provide photographic evidence later on.
What almost no one knows, however, is that total epic hair fails also extended to my dad and to a major motion picture. As in, The Godfather II. Intrigued? Maybe even more appalled?
Well, come along. I’m warning you, though. It’s gonna get hairy.
Back when my brother was nine or ten, my dad decided that he’d cut his son’s hair instead of drive two miles to have a professional do it. I’m sure he figured it would be easy. I mean, the professionals make it look pretty damn effortless, don’t they?
I was not present during the actual cutting of the hair and the two who were, do not speak of it to this day. If prodded, my dad merely says, “I cut his hair. What can I say?”
I recall that when I arrived home, I thought someone had died, because it appeared that my mom, dad, and grandma were in mourning.
All three were sitting in their places at the kitchen table with their heads down. I was actually quite concerned, because I didn’t think I was emotionally prepared for them all three to be crying.
“Uhh…” is all I said.
My mom “shushed” me and went back to their weird mourning/devil worshipping/group napping.
It was then that I noticed their shoulders moving up and down. If they weren’t crying, they had to be laughing.
“Mom…” I implored.
“Just. Don’t.” She was able to get out.
Upon further observation, they were crying, but because they were laughing. Silently. They were sitting around the kitchen table, red-faced, silent cry-laughing.
I just figured they must have started Wine o’ Clock early, so I moved on from their weirdness into the living room.
That’s where I saw it.
He was laying on the floor, watching TV. Even from behind, I could see the dejection in his shoulders and in the way he propped his head up with his hands.
The form appeared to belong to my brother. But, it was…not right.
He looked like some creature from Goosebumps. He looked like he was infectious. He looked shocking.
His head was part red, naked scalp and a smattering of one-inch tufts of hair.
There was no order to the madness. The random clumps of hair looked as if they were just glued, helter skelter, onto his angry, raw skin. Yet, in some places, instead of bare skin, there appeared to be what was likely the desired outcome- a short buzz cut.
It was simultaneously grotesque and comical.
All of the above I took in in a split second and I responded accordingly.
I responded with my trademark, “WHOA!”
(In my, I Was An Asshole post I explain a little more about my natural “whoa” reaction to all things fucked, funny, and far-fetched.)
I’m obnoxious like that.
Well, my “whoa” set off the fools in the kitchen. They couldn’t contain themselves anymore and they each lost their collective shit.
I swear, to this day, that amidst the snorting and crying and laughing, my brother’s head made a complete 180, he stared at us with exorcist eyes, and he yelled, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”
I swear.
Don’t fret, though. My mom took him to a Supercuts the second she was able to contain herself, and my dad was forever disallowed to even look at the clippers.
My mom did admit that the entire ride to Supercuts, she tried really damn hard to do the Good Mom thing by reassuring him. But, “It’s OK. It’ll be alright. It doesn’t look that bad.” is not one bit convincing between snorts and ugly cry-laughing.
This could totally be us reenacting the Clipper Incident of 1997.
Our second Haircuts From Hell story involves a different set of electric clippers, another beauty school reject, and The Godfather II.
Back when my mom was in college, she was friends with a guy who played the violin professionally. He actually started the Reno Chamber Orchestra. So, he was legit.
Not only was (is) he super musically talented, he was apparently a real hoot to hang around. Some of my favorite stories my mom tells of her college days include this guy.
A kinda related aside:
I arranged for him to come to my mom’s surprise retirement party that I planned a few years ago. They hadn’t seen each other for close to a decade. So, the look on my mom’s face when she saw him was absolutely priceless. Well, now that I’m thinking, I wonder if she was simultaneously elated to see him and worried he was there to finally seek vengeance with a rusty hair clipper.
So, the story goes…
Close to midnight one night, my mom heard frantic knocking at her door.
Brave, or delirious from sleep, she opened the door to find her buddy, all in a tizzy.
He was scheduled to play with the Reno Musicians’ Union Local 368 for The Godfather II the very next day.
He needed a haircut to look professional for this incredible opportunity.
(My mom still chides him for waiting until all the salons and barbers were closed to get such an important haircut done.)
The only problem was- my mom was most definitely not Rhonda from Tousled Tresses.
Here’s some proof to back up that my mom is not exactly the first person you’d ask for a late night, last minute hair job (too bad these horrendous hairdos happened after the Clipper Catastrophe of 1973 and were of no help to her pal):
Now, mind you, my mom can’t be held totally responsible for all of these, but she approved these looks, so there you go.
Because it was a big deal to have a part in a major motion picture, she acquiesced and went to town with electric clippers.
My mom recalled how often she saw her mother clip her brothers’ hair. She said it looked incredibly effortless and easy.
“Your grandma just went ‘Buzzzz’ with the clippers and–‘Voila!’–they had snazzy new ‘dos!”
What my mom didn’t realize was that, unless you want next to no hair left, one uses a guard on the clipper head.
After just one swipe it was clear that she had made a huge mistake.
“Shit.”
Without the guard, she sheared a landing strip clear down to his scalp.
I’m sure there was a lot of yelling and freaking out, but in the end they just left it, because my mom had done enough.
When the movie finally came out, my mom, excited to hear her friend play in such a big time movie, almost choked on her popcorn and Charleston Chews.
There, very clearly in the Tahoe party scene, was the back of her friend’s head. His awkward strip of scalp practically glowed.
In the words of my mother’s very good-natured friend, when I sent him the screenshot of his head, “My bad haircut can live on in posterity!”
At least he’s a good sport.
Here’s the scene in the movie where Haircutz By Judy has a starring role:
Here’s the screenshot:
Before I go, I have to share one more haircut fail. It’s actually more of a hairstyle fail.
The night my family and I were laughing about the above stories, we were also looking through family albums. My aunt came upon this picture:
She said, “That’s weird. Why is Mark decorating the tree with Jarrett?”
My uncle: “Why is Mark wearing a Betty Boop shirt?”
My boyfriend: “Whoever Mark is, he’s a real dweeb.”
I take a look at this, now infamous, shot of elusive Cousin Mark, who, apparently, made an appearance at Christmas in a Betty Boop sweatshirt and then go, “WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? THAT’S ME!”
They then proceed to debate about whether or not it’s really me or Mark for the next ten minutes.
What a bunch of assholes.
It’s no wonder I’ve had such a hard knock hair life- look at where I come from!
My Hairy Life
Where My Hairy Ladies At?
Someone needs to destroy those clippers if they are still around !
SERIOUSLY!!!!
My sister always cut, colored and permed my hair. I know, you’d think one would have to be nuts to allow a sister near your hair but she had a real talent for for styling, a natural.
I’ve been known to take scissors to my own hair on occasion, I’m good with the top and sides but not so good with the back of my head. I always brighter it’s hair it will grow out.
Loved your post.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable to allow someone with a natural affinity for cutting/styling hair. That was not my mom 😂😂😂. I didn’t ever dare to cut my own hair! I knew I’d be just like those other idiots in the memes and videos all over social media 😂😂😩.
My mother used to cut my brother James’ hair …. looked like she always used bowl #3. Poor kid, a bowl haircut and chapped lips (from CONSTANTLY licking his lips). The clipper incident almost made me lose MY shit here at work! LOL
Oh no! Poor kid! The bowl cut era was just too much 😂😂😂
That visual of three ladies sitting around a kitchen table silently cry-laughing is hilarious. I had to go read Where My Hairy Ladies At. This. SO much.
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It was SOO FUNNY! We still laugh so hard about it 😂😂
I did the same thing with the clippers – no guard, BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, shit!
Only thing I could do was keep going, so it was all even.
thankfully, my son was young enough to not be horrified over his shiny pink scalp, although the rest of us thought he looked like a cancer baby until the hair grew back out.
That’s PRECISELY how my brother looked!! Except my dad went Edward Scissorhands when he realized his eff up 😂😂
WOAH, I’m laughing SO hard right now. This needs to make it into the book. Fuck, this should BE the book.
😂😂😂Now, YOU are making me laugh. In a serious way, though. Definitely this will he included if I ever get around to writing a book. Thank you, friend ☺️
I’m incredibly glad my parents have never fucked with my hair. When I was six, I tried to cut my own bangs and ended up accidentally starting the emo/scene side-swept bang look a full decade before it happened. Otherwise, I escaped my childhood unscathed. I’ve cut my own hair since I was fifteen and only gave myself one “bad” haircut… that no one thought or noticed was uneven but me (I have OCD, so of course I noticed if my mohawk was 1/4″ off center).
My brother, however… not so much a hair CUT catastrophe, but a hair COLOR problem. When my brother was fifteen, he wanted to dye his hair blue. Why he didn’t just do it himself, I’ll never know, but he recruited our mother to do it (presumably because she’d dyed her own hair out of a box for years at that point). But, she had no experience with semi-permanent vegetable dyes like Manic Panic. She didn’t know you had to bleach the hair first to get the dye to stick (especially considering my brother had a buzz cut at the time). She figured since his hair was already blonde it would be fine. She applied the dye, waited the recommended half hour, and rinsed it out. It ALL rinsed out of his hair, but patches of his SCALP were splotched blue. Instead of a soft blue fuzz covering his head, he had soft blonde fuzz over stains.
Sadly, I never got to actually see the outcome, because I was at my dad’s house the weekend it occurred. But, I got to hear all about it when I got home. She still laughs about it to this day, some twenty years later. She said he looked like a bright blue Gorbachev.
“A bright blue Gorbachev” 😂😂😂😂😂. I can’t breathe! That’s gold!
You must be a natural, then! That’s a decent track record ☺️👍🏻👍🏻
I do pretty simple stuff. No layers or anything like that. But, if someone needs the ends of their hair trimmed even or wants part of their head buzzed, I’m the person to talk to!
That’s really a very useful skill! I’m jealous!
Plus one for the giggling so hard though this post!!
I had to stop reading half way down and take a break so my colleagues didn’t notice how much I was laughing over my tea!
My mum didn’t let me (or my sisters) cut my hair when i was little. I just had to grow it long and put it into plats to keep it out of the way. This post makes me think that may have been a good thing!?
LOL!! Your meme from Twitter gives me a great visual 😂😂😂.
Girl, you were SO LUCKY! I never got to have long hair, because I was an asshole any time my hair had to he combed/brushed. Thus, my hideous hair history.
Oooh yeah, it did really hurt sometimes when someone other than me’d brush it. My mum was pretty rough with a hair brush! My dad was really patient and gentle. You needed him to put up with mini Katie.
Awww that’s so sweet that your dad was gentle when combing your hair! My dad didn’t even want to be anywhere near the shit show that was combing my hair!
You’re making my shoulders wobble in giggles again. I can imagine him backing away with a hairbrush. “Noooo”
LOL!!! Yup! That’s the right image 😂😂
this post is seriously comic gold. it always perplexes me how people think they can do like 5haircuts ayear and it will be just as good as going to the guy who does like 15 aday 5 days a week 50 weeks a year im assuming some vacation time amyhow stylists need to get some love.
Thank you!! Yes, I agree! Shout out to the awesome hairstylists who fix our eff ups!
You. Are. Hilarious. OMG, thank you so much for writing this – it has brought me so much joy!! Can you please ask all your family members to keep cutting hair? You seriously can’t make this shit up and it is amazing!!!
You just made my weekend!! I know! I wish my family still did crazy stuff like this. Sadly, they eventually learned their lesson!
Maybe I need to blog about the time my mom and I thought it’d be a good idea to dye her eyebrows and she looked like Groucho Marx 😂😂
Absolutely brilliant. I LOLled throughout this. Your family stifling their laughter over your brother’s haircut 😂😂😂
It was legit one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen anyone of them do 😂😂
My mum cut my younger brother’s hair when he was about 2 years’ old. She might as well have put a bowl on his head and done it that way – it looked like someone had stuck a mop on top of his head! I don’t recall my mum ever cutting my hair, HOWEVER, she took me to the hairdressers when I was about 8 years’ old. I had quite long hair and said I only wanted it trimmed. She clearly had other ideas and the hairdresser proceeded to give me a frickin’ pageboy hair cut! I was laughed at by some people at school, and I couldn’t tie it up anymore! There’s a tiny part of me that hasn’t forgiven her for that!
Oh no!!! My mom did the damn thing!!! A mop on his head 😂😂😂. I love how moms think they can do these things 😂😂🤣
They really shouldn’t think that lol!
Right?! 😂😂
It is apparently a worldwide phenomenon as the 1960 -1970’s a bowl haircut by a parent was pretty much standard. As was cutting my doll’s hair and thinking it would grow back just like mine. I really wanted to be a hairdresser 🙂 Funny post which you do well!
The good ol’ bowl ‘do! Thanks so much!
Oh my god, I actually laughed out loud when you were describing walking in on the aftermath of your brother’s haircut . . . your writing is HILARIOUS. Love it xx
I’m so glad you enjoyed it!! Thank you ☺️☺️😜
My mum was a big fan of cutting fringes. Not the rest of the hair, just the bit at the front that was getting in our eyes. She’d spray the hair with water till big fat droplets of water dripped off the hair and onto the face. Then she’d get the “good scissors”, slide them behind the hair then just start cutting. No subtle whispery fringe for me, oh no. This thing was so straight you could rule lines in a book with it.
I did once attempt to cut my own kid’s hair, but stopped when I used the shortest setting on my blonde boys hair and he ended up looking like a chemo patient (he was five).
We have the exact.same recollection of bang cutting! My mom, legit, did the same thing! Even after all of her fails! I also had straight-across (but also really uneven) bangs! Too funny!
You are too funny! I was laughing out loud and my husband was like, “what are you laughing at?” I explained the magic of Fatty McCupCakes. I would have done the same thing if my sister’s hair was jacked up like that. Oh wait a minute, it was, when we played beauty shop and I completely jacked up her bangs.
Oh shit!!!! I’m not surprised you’d try that 😂😂😜😉
When I was five, my mom was cutting my hair, but I wouldn’t keep my head straight, and the cut kept getting crooked, so she kept cutting to try to even it out, and I wound up with my first – sort of – pixie cut!
Meh… I never cared too much about my hair though.
ALL.THE.TIME. “Oh, it’s not quite even. Hold on. Oops. Wait. Ehhh. Yeah, just one more snip here and there. Nope. That didn’t do it…” Three hours later, I had bangs that were 3 mm long 😂😂
This is hilarious! Never will I ever allow any of your family members take the clippers to my hair! I think I will stick to the professionals! LOL!
Good plan!! 😂😂
OMFG! I can sooo relate!
Sidenote – I know I’ve been away for a bit, but I could’ve sworn you had your Twitter handle attached to your blog. However, when I tried to tweet, it gave me that lame “via @wordpressdotcom” thing at the end. Figured I’d mention it, just in case. 🙂
Crap! Josy told me that was happening! I need to fix it 😬😬
I just endured my own haircuts from hell story with my daughters a couple of week back, so I incredibly empathize. What a fun family though! So much joy and love I can tell through the pictures <3 What you lack in hair (which I actually am a bit jealous of your hair tbh) you all make up in heart for sure!
My fam IS pretty awesome! Thanks!!! ☺️☺️
Very funny. I’m equally challenged in the old hair department. My mum used to have a go with thinning scissors when I was young – which was never a success!. Love the Godfather clip. Jill.
Oh no!! Thinning scissors!! I’m so glad my mom didn’t think she needed those! 😱😂
As a hairdresser myself I fully appreciate this post. I can’t tell you the COUNTLESS “my parent cut it can you fix it” haircuts I have had.
I can’t even begin to imagine! I’m glad you feel appreciated, as you should!! ❤️
Great article! I had a lot of bad haircuts too…https://mrmatthewruddle.com/2018/02/17/revolution-hairy/
Hehe! Thanks!
This wwas great to read
Thank you!