Free Advice Friday From Your Aunt Fatty

Dearest Aunt Fatty,

I’m friends with a handful of co-workers on Facebook. I recently made a vague post referencing work in a comedic fashion and was reported to my supervisor. I wasn’t written up and I’m in no way in fear of losing my job, but I’m upset that one of these so-called ‘work friends’ ratted me out over something so harmless. What should I do? Should I block all work friends on Facebook? Should I post a feckless comment about how snitches get stitches? Help!

Sincerely,

Snitches Gon’ Get Stitches

Dear Snitches Gon’ Get Stitches,

OH HELL NAH.

This kind of backstabbing career climber bullshit is why I have to keep my mouth kinda shut about work on Facebook (I have a really hard time doing this, because I have some important shit to say). Some snitch did the same thing to me last year. I made a comment about being aghast at the behavior I witnessed on the first day of school and not even a week later I got an email from my AP about how he was disappointed by my comment, didn’t think I was happy at my school, etc.

The joke was on whoever tried to tarnish my record, though, because I was evaluated as Highly Effective (the highest rating you can get) last year, so…

Now, I do believe there ought to be some kind of standard when it comes to posting about work, but unless it’s damning, downright nasty, or it reveals information that violates HIPPA, I say people need to get off their high horses and worry bout themselves.

What I would do is block your work snitches from your posts. They won’t know you did this, but it protects you and your free fucking speech. But, before you block them from your posts, share some super snarky passive aggressive post because that’s what professional adults do. Let us know what you do!

Love,

Your Aunt Fatty (who is really pissed off for you)

Check out Snitches Gon’ Get Stitches’ blog!


Dear Auntie Fatty,

A huge invasive snail vine on the opposite side of my backyard fence is out of control (which I constantly battle to keep from choking my Toyon tree and my Cape Honeysuckle shrubs). I usually win that battle but recently an entire extended family of opossums has taken up residence in the vine (and a couple of rats – EEWWHH!). I don’t mind the opossums – they are cute in an ugly sort of way. However, my dog Shiro thinks they are a puppy snack. He is constantly leaping to the top of the six-foot fence and plucking them off. Luckily, it is true that opossums play dead and I can usually get him in the house and the poor critters have scuttled away by the time I go to check on them. Obviously, this is not an ideal situation for my dog or the opossums!

I want to talk to the neighbors about removing the vine but here is my conundrum – they have only lived there a few months and I have never gone over to introduce myself and welcome them to the neighborhood. So am I a shit-head if I go over now and say hi but please tear out your ugly, invasive vine? What would you do?

Sincerely,
Tired of the Opossums (check out her blog here!)

Dear Tired of the Opposums,

Where do I even start with this? I’m kind of speechless and that’s pretty much never happened in the whole of my entire big-mouthed life. I don’t know if I should start with the opossums or the rats or your new neighbors who have moved in, next to not only a human family, but AN EXTENDED OPOSSUM FAMILY.

Now, I can’t help you on the plant issue as you were basically speaking Chinese to me and I kill any and all plants within a square mile of my being with just my…being. So.

Oh, but after reading your submission again, you’re not asking about the fucking plants, anyway.

OK, so for your neighbors. I, too, am guilty of being that neighbor who never introduces themselves until I need something. “Hi, I’m your neighbor you see leaving the house in no bra and ratty pajama pants to go to 7-11 for Ho-Hos, nice to finally meet you when I have a bra on. So, could YA NOT BLEND SMOOTHIES AT FOUR IN THE FUCKING MORNING? Thanks. See ya around.”

I think you need to do this in stages.

Stage One: Bake something delicious and take it to your neighbor and introduce yourself. People are always more willing to go along with things when you bake them something they can’t say ‘no’ to.

Stage Two: Next time your dog tries to eat an opossum family, make a big production about it, so they come outside to see what the racket is. When they see you wrangling your dog, a pack of possums and some mangy rats, they will see there’s a problem with opossums that can’t be ignored.

Stage Three: Mid-battle make your plea. No one being asked to help someone who is literally wrangling opossums will be difficult. When they see how backwoods fucked up your situation is, they may just do what needs done then and there.

Please update us on the opossum situation. Better yet, send pictures.

Love,

Your Aunt Fatty (who is worried about what kind of opossum-rat diseases you have now)


Dear Aunt Fatty,

How the fuck do I get my husband to open the frigging curtains in the morning?! Seriously, it’s like he has some weird allergy to it. Or he doesn’t like daylight. Maybe he’s a vampire! He never opens them. Anywhere in the house. He just leaves it to me to open them all. It’s like what my mother used to say when I lived at home and left any curtains closed, “THE NEIGHBOURS WILL START THINKING SOMEONE DIED IN HERE!”

Sincerely,

Open the Fucking Curtains Once in Awhile Will Ya? (Check out her blog here!)

Dear Open the Fucking Curtains Once in Awhile, Will Ya?,

Girl, I just witnessed the dude who lives here pass the HAND towel to dry his hands on the DISH towel. The hand towel is the one closest to the sink for ease of drying one’s HANDS. The dish towel, the towel that is reserved for drying CLEAN DISHES, is at least 12 inches further away from the sink than the hand towel and he goes for the MOTHERFUCKING DISH TOWEL every time.

I wish I could help you with your problem, sister friend. The only consolation I have for you is that millions of other women are also standing, dumbstruck, in the kitchen or the bedroom or bathroom, just staring at the socks that are in front of the hamper or the wet towel on the floor right under the towel rack or the curtains that seem to be invisible, right this very minute.

What I do know is that men don’t give a fuck about the different designation we give to towels that essentially look the same. They don’t give two shits about opening the curtains (he probably doesn’t even know you have curtains). They don’t ever think about how the decorative pillows on the bed should be arranged (and, he probably wants to mutilate them).

When he doesn’t open the curtains, message me with your favorite, most apropos Michael Scott meme and I’ll send one back and you’ll be all better.

Love,

Your Aunt Fatty (who totally gets it and has a twitching eye because of them* too)


I forgot to link to the lovely, Raili’s blog on my last post. Check her blog out here!

Have a personal problem? In a crazy conundrum? In the middle of a sticky wicket? Send them to your Aunt Fatty, and I’ll make it better for you. Submit them here.

*We love you, men. We wouldn’t be able to live without you. We’d have clean dish towels, yes, but we’d also have empty hearts. So, don’t hate me too much. In fact, send me a problem you have regarding the fairer (more annoying) sex and I’ll make it up to you.

28 thoughts on “Free Advice Friday From Your Aunt Fatty”

  1. LOL omg!! This is a great one! You gave the same advice I would have. For the work situation, I made a rule never to have anyone in upper management on my facebook. Work friends yes, but only if they hold the same “this place is uber lame sauce omg shove this rusty nail into my foot so I don’t have to go in tomorrow” outlook that I did.

    And the neighbour: as I was reading it, I was all “you should totally bribe them with food first!” 1950’s housewife it up! Cookies, some sort of fresh bread or loaf. And then you’re in! The house were I work with my kidlets, a new family moved in during the spring and they were renovating the pool outback and the workers would play this super loud and obnoxious music every single dang day! And then it switched to very graphic and inappropriate lyrics. So the mom made cookies, took them over and was like “look, I have young kids. Can we keep the music with all the swears and the N word off the playlist?” haha totally worked!

    1. I figure while I’m being satirical, I better give some real advice 🤣😉.

      Carbs ALWAYS work to convince people to do what you want 🤣😈

  2. In my house I’m the mass who doesn’t open the blinds. I’m also the one losing her shit when the hubs uses the hand towel in the bathroom to wipe off the toothpaste, shaving cream water spot counter rather than the counter towel I thoughtfully provided for the counter mank. It’s a trade off. Lol

  3. Hi! I only met my neighbour after I stormed over and told her “if she doesn’t pay for damage she will have problems”, issue was solved that same day lol! I’m the kind of person that will go to meet the new neighbours after three months haha! My direct neighbour o disturbed him during the world cup, he wasn’t happy, but after loads of baked goods he likes me now. The woman that there was the problem with we now share diet tips. You never know, you might have loads in common 😉

  4. HAHAHAHA. I actually LOLled at “he probably doesn’t even know you have curtains”. So fucking true. Thank you Aunty, for giving my serious issue a platform. It was nice to be heard. I will be sure to message you a Michael Scott gif the next time he does it (which will be tomorrow morning).

    1. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 “which will be tomorrow morning” is when I actually LOLd! I’ll have a perfect meme waiting for you 🤣❤️

    2. This is probably totally true. 🤣

      My husband’s friend asked him for advice when he first moved in with his new wife. She wanted him to have opinions about curtains and soft furnishings, and he just didn’t care at all. He wasn’t even sure how to form opinions on that kind of thing. So anyway, this friend went to Argos and bought some curtains, and then the wide got mad because the ones he picked were so ugly!!

      We had to visit their house to see how ugly they were, and it was pretty impressive! It was some kind of brown velvet mess.

      1. OMG 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Sounds about right with the brown. My boyfriend was alllll about poop brown-colored stuff and I was not having it. Men are funny 🤣❤️❤️

  5. I don’t normally add work “friends” on facebook, until after I leave a company (so I can tell they are actually real friends…)

    But a couple of my colleagues recently added me. Noooo! I mean, I don’t want to be a bitch, so I accepted them, but I’m not comfortable about it. I mean they don’t know how unorganised and drunk I can be outside of work! Oops.

    1. It’s SO tricky with work colleagues. My go-to is to add them so I don’t seem bitchy and then I block them from my posts! It’s the only way around it, man!

  6. Omg! Lmfaooo I can’t get enough of you I swear to the holy stars. Dude sometimes
    It feels like I’m reading the exact shit I would say except you say it wayyyy better. I’ve said this before but you’re literally my writing hero like I am forever inspired by you girl. And I finally figured out how to comment on your new set up. It’s not you, it’s me. I was an airhead in my past life and this one too! Love you!!!!!

    1. AWWWWWWW! You’ve literally made my life! YOU are way funny and when I read your words it’s exactly something I’d say too!! We need to be famous already! 😘😘😘

  7. Aunty – thanks for the great advice on my opposum/neighbor problem, I should have posted a comment earlier but I was too busy baking…

    And planning how to cause the biggest fucking comotion ever (at night, in the dark, hummm)!!

    PS – thanks for the link to my blog! Actually got traffic from one person in Spain, thanks to you!!! You’re the best!

    1. OOOOH! I’m super excited I helped someone in Spain find you! That makes me happy! Let me know how this all ends!!

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