So, it turns out that I’m not only completely inept in the Eating Healthy and Working Out arena, I’m also a hot mess in the Saving (Having) Money department.
I’d like to reassure any and all who think I’m somewhat of a productive, responsible member of society by saying I always pay my bills on time, and despite having more debt than I’d like, I have excellent credit.
This is where the positives end and the what-are-you-some-kind-of-moron-or-something begins.
Without fail, the week leading up to my monthly payday, I am firmly living under the poverty line.
So, that’s why right now I’m on the struggle bus careening straight toward Mental Breakdown Town.
I’d really like to blame my monthly financial crises on my lowly teacher pay, but, no, it’s 100% me.
(That’s not to say I don’t think teachers all across the world deserve pay that accurately depicts the jobs they perform, because they do.)
True talk, my monthly salary is totally enough to pay my bills, buy groceries, spend on occasional fun, and put aside some (meager) savings. Now, I can’t go all crazy and buy a house or go on a trip or anything…
So, why am I washing our paper plates and rinsing and drying out paper towels, you ask?
(Speaking of fucking paper towels, Target recently halved what they give you on their 99ยข rolls and thought we wouldn’t notice. Assholes.)
Well, let me just plainly list the reasons why I’m forever transferring money from my savings and overdraft to my checking account:
1. I am paying for too many monthly subscriptions (Ipsy, Snack Crate, Weight Watchers, Netflix, Hulu, and numerous educational related apps and services).
2. I have an addiction to Starbucks. My “Once a Week” deal has turned into, “Manic Monday”, “Friyay”, and far too many trips over the weekend. If it has a cute, made up name for the excuse and it’s easier than pushing the Keurig button, I’m game.
3. I go to Target every weekend. I am firmly anti-Walmart, so our non-grocery essentials are bought by moi at the Happiest Place on Earth. It’s just that I’m-going-for-toothpaste, turns into shit-fuck-how-did-I-spend-$100?
I got $99 problems
4. I need, like, I’m not joking that it feels like needing-to-breathe-need bullshit things like these:
Amazon
RoseGoldRebel
FabFitFun
If I don’t buy/have a rose gold Starbucks travel cup, I don’t know how I can go on living.
Our Earth is really just a spinning globe of garbage, but I feel an intense need for endless crap that I’ll forget I own in 6 months.
It’s pathetic, really.
5. I will have a fridge full of food, but cooking sounds like hard labor, so I’ll pick up food whenever I’m feeling lazy. And that’s all.the.time.
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Me, when I have to cook literally anything.
6. I can’t start walking, hiking, doing yoga, or journaling without buying the latest and greatest accoutrements. When someone told me about the “envelope method” for spending money, my first thought was, “Well, I’ll have to get a really cute envelope. I wonder if they have fake leather ones in a gorgeous mint color?” WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS A “CUTE LEATHER MONEY ENVELOPE”? (Google didn’t know either.)
Really, I could go on, but I’ll just quit while I’m not even close to being ahead.
So, I know. I need therapy, Dave Ramsey, and Shoppers Anonymous in a major way.
Because I don’t spend my money on things that will actually prove useful in time (*Ahem* addiction therapy), I’m going to list the ways I’m planning to attempt to straighten up my money act.
1. I’m finally quitting Ipsy (along with Snack Crate). I know it’s only $10 a month, but, holy shit, did you know that 10 times 12 is $120? Also, I already have 82 black eyeliners and 45 mini tubes of mud mask. How many black eyeliner pencils does one need in a lifetime? Because I think I have that many. Not to mention, this month’s ugly bag was just…I can’t.
This is not my favorite.
2. I’m going to get serious about Acorns. Haven’t heard of it yet? Y’ALL. It’s awesome. Basically, what they do is round up to the next dollar all of your debit purchases and that amount is “invested” into your Acorns account. You can also arrange to have a monthly payment invested into your account. I legit saved over $80 the last month (you better believe Homegirl wears out that debit card).
The beauty of this is that you hardly notice 23 cents being taken out at a time.
The downside? You can withdraw your funds at.anytime.
So, what I meant by “get serious” is I need to start actually leaving my savings the eff alone. Had I just not touched it from the moment I downloaded the app, I’d have so much money saved.
Ugh. I can’t even think about it.
P.S. If you like the sound of Acorns and you want to set up an account, follow this link so I can get credit for referring you. If 10 friends start using Acorns, I get a $500 bonus. (I’m not being compensated in any way by Acorns, it’s just legit one of my favorite apps).
P.P.S Thank you to Angela at Hot Mess Memoir for introducing me to Acorns.
3. I’m going to slowly back away from Starbucks. Not only is their coffee grossly overpriced, unless you do the sugar-free thing, the sugar in their drinks is through the roof. I hate how convenient they are, though. I have one so close to home and on the way to work. I can slip in and out of the drive thru and be on the freeway to work, before I realize I did it again.
My new deal is one Starbucks visit a month. It gives me heart palpitations just typing that. Also, I’m on the market for a shock collar that’ll give me a good wringing the second I start heading to the ‘Bux.
SEE I CAN’T SAVE MONEY WITHOUT SPENDING IT.
4. I’m going to give myself a weekly spending allowance of $80. This will include spending for dinner out or other entertainment on the weekend. On Sunday, I’ll withdraw the cash and only allow myself to use that cash for any and all purchases.
$80 sounds like a lot, but it’s mind blowing how much I spend when left unsupervised.
Maybe at some point I’ll be able to live off even less per week?
I mean, stranger things have happened.
So, what are your budgeting strategies? How do you save money? What’s something you struggle with not spending money on? Let me know in the comments!
Tag: budgeting
Adulting Sucks #4,562
Guys, I found (and subsequently “won”-huge competition) an apartment! The best part is that it’s in my most beloved part of town! In fact, I’m only moving three blocks away! I can’t wait to share pictures once it’s finally mine to move into! I would have videoed, but the current tenant was there, moving out, when the landlord showed it. I will say, it’s definitely an upgrade-granite counter tops FTW!
Since I’m now broke-I’m now paying double the rent-I’ve decided I better get my act together and actually follow a budget.
For the longest time I thought I was budgeting. I have a detailed list of the bills I pay each month, even down to groceries and “fun money”. When I pay a bill or buy groceries, I mark “paid”. When the charge goes through, I delete the item from my list. This process has served me well for the past seven or so years.
Or, has it?
Even though I was keeping track of my money, I always seemed to be down to pennies and pocket lint a week before payday.
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Every month I would wonder where in the hell my money would go. As a teacher, I’m no millionaire, but I make a decent wage. It was really a mystery.
Well, I solved the mystery.
Fucking Starbucks.
I.spent.$100.at.Starbucks.in.under.a.month.
The month of June isn’t even over and I’ve spent more than $100 JUST at damn Starbucks. I knew I had a certain addiction, but $5 here, $8 there didn’t seem so bad.
Well, thanks to Mint, I’ve been able to come face-to-face with the very reason I never have any money.
I don’t budget $100 for coffee, so it’s no wonder my “budget” wasn’t really budgeting at all.
It’s going to take some time to get the hang of Mint, and that I need to live within my means.
QUIT YELLING AT ME.
I hope ya’ll will be patient with me while I take you on yet another journey. This one involves not spending my paycheck the day I get it as if my life depended on it. I have got to be more frugal and responsible. I am 33, for fucks sake! Here we go!
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But then…
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