Tag: Coronavirus

Holding Out Hope

As I write, I’m anxiously awaiting my Raley’s grocery order. The good people working at Raley’s have been so overwhelmed with pick up orders that the requested orders have been taking a week. A week. Those poor people. I can’t even imagine the chaos and attitudes they are getting from every Ultimate Karen.

I put my order in Saturday and my reserved time slot to pick it up is Sunday (today) between 11 AM and 11:30 AM.

All week I’ve been second guessing my choices and feeling worried they won’t have some of my items.

I ordered some non-grocery things from Target for the first time using their delivery service a couple days ago, and in the special instructions section I wrote a plea. I said, “I know there isn’t any TP, but just in case you happen upon some, like, maybe, someone hid a pack for later (I don’t even know why they’d do that but hear me out) behind the men’s khakis hanging on the wall and they forgot about it- that’s fair game- can you get me some?

I knew it was a stretch so I wasn’t holding my breath. Of course, my “shopper” didn’t find the khaki contraband toilet paper, but he did throw in a bottle of hand sanitizer as a consolation prize. Not all angels wear wings, some work for Shipt and drive a Geo Metro.

I didn’t even know what to add to my e-cart for my Raley’s order. What does one need during the apocalypse? Apparently, three tubs of ice cream. And dry beans. Nothing making sense anymore.

Planning a grocery list during a pandemic is like trying to order off a Cheesecake Factory menu when you’re tripping balls*. There are too many options and you feel like your choices are really, really, really important and you can’t mess up.

My first try at this pandemic panic buying happened Thursday, March 12th. I had the next day off because we were supposed to be preparing to go to Europe, so it felt like my Friday except not really because it also felt like the End Times.

I tried to make a Disaster Prep Food Shopping list before I left school and all I could come up with was:

  • Water?
  • Canned food
  • Snacks…?
  • TP/Paper towels/napkins
  • Alcohol (isopropyl and beverage kind)
  • …

My friend and I just panic wandered aimlessly, throwing random shit we thought was smart into our cart. We ended up both spending $150 on what can only be explained as the items a high af college student might buy.

I bought frozen pizzas, mug cake mixes, chips and salsa, and candy. I did buy two books to make it a more well-rounded shopping trip, but wtf? My shopping cart was filled with PMS-ing-something-fierce-food-items and nothing wholesome or healthy in the slightest.

I should, probably, cut myself some slack, because this is my first pandemic. I don’t know how one is supposed to prepare for worldwide chaos because that’s only supposed to happen in the movies.

So, here I sit socially isolating in my day pajamas, hoping to the pandemic gods that Raley’s hasn’t run out of ice cream because who needs rice and chicken when the world is ending?

*I’ve never tripped balls but I have a pretty good imagination and I’ve been wine drunk, so

Self-Isolation: Day Four

I really need to type me up one of those fancy schedules we’ve all seen floating around social media because I’ve been an absolute slug of a human these last few days.

While my friends are out there braving the work world or being altruistic, I’m eating all my quarantine snacks. Someone’s gotta do the good work.

Let me know how this goes for ya’ll — every teacher around the world, wondering if people will finally realize we are worth at least a mil a year

This was my big day yesterday. Hold on tight because this’ll be sure to blow your socks right off.

8:00 Alarm goes off but I can’t hear it because I have my earplugs in. Boyfriend has to poke me with his toe claws repeatedly before I realize I’m not actually in line at Subway deciding between a Classic Tuna or a Cold Cut Combo.

Don’t @ me with why I have an alarm set either. I don’t even know.

8:30 Teeth have been brushed, face has been washed, and my oily hair has been dry shampooed with half a can of the good stuff- Batiste.

8:32 Mini anxiety attack when I realize I’ve been too liberal with my dry shampoo and it’s bound to run out. I then remember that all I’m doing is sitting my fat ass on the couch so who cares if my hair looks like I brushed it with a greasy pancake*?

8:45 The bare minimum with makeup has been slapped on, because I can’t give up entirely just yet.

(My current quarantine makeup routine involves foundation and too much setting powder that settles almost entirely on my eyebrows so they look like ghosts. With no mascara and powder coating my eyelashes, my eyes look like tiny pebbles. And the look is complete.)

8:45 to 10:00 I mean to start my coffee and eat something but several internet fights trump sustenance. This is the point at which I realize this is my new diet plan and I feel a renewed sense of meaning.

10:10 Completely forgetting my new diet goals, I add extra Cinnamon Toast Crunch CoffeeMate in my World Market Texas Turtle coffee because this is what I have to take joy in now.

10:10 to 12:35 I resume my fights on the internet with people who have mush for brains and obsessively scroll through articles on COVID-19, hoping someone will report that this has all been a big joke, haha.

12:40 I decide I need a phone break, and with my keyboard warrior-ing, my battery is at 27% so I charge it in the other room while I eat a Velveeta Shells & Cheese cup. It’s the last one, and I know it’ll start a fight but the fake cheese that coats my teeth is worth it.

1:45 I’m knee deep into the first episode of Love is Blind and wondering why there are no ugly people on the show if the point is to show people that looks aren’t everything. Kinda bullshit if you ask me. Maybe I’ll write a post about it on Facebook.

2:00 Upon passing the hall mirror I realize I never brushed the dry shampoo out of my hair and I look like George Washington after a bender. The thought that it doesn’t even matter that I’ve had chunks of dry shampoo coating my hair all day and my face appears to be sucking in my makeup-less pebble eyes floors me for a minute.

2:06 I decide to make myself feel better by watching women who appear to have zero pores on their faces because nothing I do makes any sense.

2:10 I start grazing through our quarantine snacks, wondering how much I can eat without my boyfriend noticing. I decide 18 M&M’s**, 30 crackers, and 15 pistachios won’t be missed.

2:30 Feeling major cabin fever, I walk outside to get some fresh air and instantly feel like I’m in a war movie about WWII France. Not sure why it’s now a war movie and not a post-apocalyptic movie set in Soviet Russia.

2:35 The fresh air motivates me, and I decide to do something productive. Also my butt is sore from all the sitting. I randomly decide I need to vacuum under the bed.

2:45 I vacuum up a sock and three lost dryer sheets and about halfway into the job, I lose steam because if we are going to die from Coronavirus, do I really want to be vacuuming under my bed? Um. No.

2:45 to 4:25 This time is lost to searching for deep web Coronavirus theories because I’m still hoping this is all fake and the government has the anecdote.

4:25 The boyfriend gets home and we discuss the developing news on businesses set to close in our city. We wonder if the business he works for falls under the category of “non essential” and then we both fall silent for a good hour as we let it sink in that we will be together every day, all day, until we die.

5:30 We have a civil discourse fight over the best meal to prepare since we need to start rationing. We agree to disagree that Rice-A-Roni and plain rice are basically the same thing.

6:30 After cleaning up dinner we have another civil discourse about what we should watch on Netflix for the evening. After a nearly 20 minute debate, we decide on Hunters because during uncertain times, a dark show about Nazis is a sure fire way to feel better.

6:30 to 11:00 We spend the rest of the evening taking turns yelling at each other for being on our phones.

“You’re not even watching.”

“Yes, I am” *takes one last sneak peek at my Instagram feed.

“Babe, get off your phone. You just yelled at me for being on my phone!” *as I have my phone hidden under a throw blanket so I can scroll through Facebook.

“I’m not! Just pay attention to the show!” *as he is, very clearly, scrolling through the comments of a news article.

This is going well.

11:30 I fall into bed, exhausted by my day of doing literally nothing productive and wondering how much better or worse it could get tomorrow.

What are ya’ll doing to pass the time? How’s staying at home with your loved ones going? Be honest.

*I can’t claim this as my line. My friend’s dad said this to her when we were in high school. While funny, it’s admittedly pretty mean.

**He 100% noticed the M&M’s. I can’t get away with anything around here.

Currently deciding whether or not Coronavirus memes are still funny…

The World’s Gone Mad

Anyone else legit concerned about the toilet paper situation right now? If Coronavirus wasn’t scary enough, I now have to wonder if I truly will need to resort to wiping with an odd sock or some McDonald’s napkins. We’ve all seen the memes and we all laugh, but in the back of my mind, I’m holding it together just barely. All that spins through my brain anymore, like a record on repeat, is the worry I’ll have to just.get.in.the.shower.after.a.poo like a DAMN HEATHEN.

WILL THERE EVER BE TOILET PAPER AGAIN?

NO, REALLY? WILL THERE?

On top of the toilet paper chaos that is, quite fucking frankly, appalling and I’m embarrassed to be part of the human race right now, people are buying out ALL THE FOOD.

Like, does anyone think of others? Along with my dead cold fear I will soon start to whittle away to nothing, I’ve been close to tears thinking of the elderly people all around the world who are being left to fend for themselves. They can’t compete against Bubba Joe and Ultimate Karen with their 18 carts full to the brim with toilet paper that will last a lifetime while the remaining part of society that is sane would just like the normal amount of toilet paper. Mothers can’t even get wipes for their babies because these fools think their 18,456 rolls of TP won’t quite cut it.

So instead of being in the plane that was supposed to be taking me to Paris for spring break, I’m in my sweaty pajamas, wearing a hole in the couch with my ever-expanding ass, while I just sit and worry and worry and worry some more.

The real insanity, though, is how I’m scared we will starve while at the same time I’ve eaten through half our quarantine snacks in just two days.

In all seriousness, though, this virus and the absolute unraveling of society that is happening right before our very eyes has my OCD on red alert.

To try to combat the obsessions and worry, I’m trying to do my small part by staying in as much as possible. I know there are still people who think this is all a big over-exaggeration and then there are the people who are right- ahem- the ones who don’t want to panic but we realize it’s not all “business as usual”, and we know we need to flatten the curve LIKE LAST MONTH.

Whatever your opinion, shits about to hit the fan all over the world. I figured I better bring Fatty back for the time being because, I don’t know about you, but a bit of humor makes shit times feel a bit less shit. So in between my absolute freak outs, I’m going to try to channel my humor and find the bright side, even though it feels like hiding right now.

I’ll check back in soon to let you know how self-isolating is going after I’ve eaten all my snacks and the excitement of “It’s like we are in a movie about the end of the world” wears off.

Bye for now!