How many of you brave souls made gifts this year? Since Pinterest, everyone and their spastic brother feel the need to creatively gift these days. We have all seen those “Pinterest Fails”, and laughed our lying asses off at others’ ineptness-like you didn’t just make jingle bell-shaped cookies that looked more like ball sacks. Don’t lie.
I grew up with a very creative mother. She’s the reason I believe store-bought Halloween costumes are for losers. Yes, she handmade me a Princess Jasmine, costume, that looked like the real thing, when I was eight.
My mom and my aunt have made Christmas gifts for the “faraway family” for as long as I can remember. They’ve made custom quilts, roll warmer baskets, cake platters using repurposed decorative plates and candle holders, and they’ve been getting drunk for the sake of saving wine corks way before Pinterest told you it was what the cool people do.
Last year, they made homemade lotion, but so did I. We all three had seen, all over that damn Pinterest, how “easy” it was to make your own hand cream. Mine was all organic, cost more than The Body Shop, and had the consistency of Crisco. I didn’t even end up giving it to anyone. It was so greasy, the only place you dare put it was on your feet, underneath 10 pairs of socks. Huge fail.
My mom and aunt’s lotion ended up being wonderful, but they didn’t divulge, at the time, how much of a process it was to get the wonderful, creamy consistency it had, along with how they concocted its wonderful subtle fragrance. They just humbly insisted, “it was nothing.”
The truth came out today.
While I was digging around for the Scottish shortbread recipe for the cookies we make every year, I came upon their hand cream recipe. I almost crapped my pants laughing.
Dana and Judy’s Hand Cream Recipe
2 bottles of wine (OK to substitute tequila)
1 bottle Shea butter
1 tub cocoa butter
1/4 cup coconut oil
1 bottle creamy baby oil
Vitamin E oil drops-break open gel caps
Lavender essential oil ($20 worth to cover up cocoa butter smell)
Whip like mad, add too much red food coloring, cuss, put it in jars anyway
Call your sister two days later and tell her it is toooooooooo red (I was not the sister who griped-I was pretty much done with hand cream production)
Scoop it all out of containers and add any white lotion you can find, some Vaseline, all the leftovers from previous batches, etc., until you have 6 gallons of lotion and not enough containers. Discover that lotion is only slightly less pink.
Then, they provided the “real” recipe which has 6 ingredients and one step-whip it together.
The jury is still out on whether you put the wine (or tequila) in the lotion, or if you drink it.
Tag: funny
Shopper Lottie-A Realistic Holiday Food Guide
There’s 3 days left before Christmas!!
I hope you all are finished with your bank-breaking shopping, and you are merrily stuffing your gobs.
I’ve compiled a food guide for your reading pleasure for Shopper Lottie. If you don’t want to read yet another healthy holidays guilt-packed article, then don’t. Read mine.
Happy eating!
A Realistic Holiday Food Guide
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A Picture is Worth a Million Why Me's
I knew I would look fat. I mean, I would be wearing a one piece, with nowhere to hide. I knew I would look like an obese candy cane. I was prepared. It was part of the humor in wearing pajamas that 3 year-olds normally wear. But, nothing prepared me for what everyone was seeing from behind. Nothing.
The front view wasn’t so bad
And then we thought it would be cute to take a picture of our behinds, because that’s always cute. Good lawd, nothing prepared me for this:
I can’t even. My ass is huge. Huge. Not even sexy Kim-Kardashian-huge. Pregnant-Kim-huge. I mean, how come no one has never told me I had that trailing behind me? It’s terrifying. I think I might have an extra ass below my main ass. Can you see it? Meanwhile, my friend looks like Marilyn Monroe reincarnated.
I thought maybe it was just taken from a poor angle. Perhaps I wasn’t prepared. So, I tried again:
I didn’t get the sexy memo. In fact, I think I had an itch mid-picture. Notice how I’m not even turning my head around, in a sexy, “I know you’re looking” way, because I can’t. The girl on the left is a professional model, apparently. What a bitch.
Can you suck your butt in like your stomach? If so, I need to learn how.
I went home that night and drank an entire bottle of moscato, because sugar wine will help my cause. I might also have eaten the rest of the package of holiday Oreos (and by ‘the rest’ I mean almost the whole thing). Then, I realized that I didn’t buy footy pajamas to look sexy, but to be funny. I bought them to look ridiculous, then got upset when I was successful. That’s lame. So, I said, “fuck it”, and wore them again to the Ugly Sweater Wine Walk this past Saturday. I had a blast, Pregnant Kim Ass and all.
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Teacher Humor
After my, quite, heated teacher post, I thought I would lighten it up with some awesome teacher humor. These legit had me LOL’ing. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.
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Check out my humor board on Pinterest. When I am having a craptastic day, I will revisit how funny I am on Pinterest (har har).
Funniest Pinterest Board In All Thee Land
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When You Know You Need a Vacation
When you get a new student, it behooves any good teacher to make a great first impression. I made sure we got all of our dedicated brain breaks throughout the day-“Hey, this is a really fun classroom-we get to do a YMCA kids Just Dance video between math and reading?!”. I made sure to emphasize the positive reward system and incentives-“If I make good decisions, I get to eat lunch with the teacher? Baller status!” I made sure my students really showed what they have been learning about ancient Rome-“Wow! They know so much about an ancient civilization. I want to be like these kids!”
After that, it all went downhill. Clark Griswold-sledding-like-a-fool-downhill-like.
Every day, I do a read-aloud about our social studies topic. In the middle of reading about Julius Caesar’s ultimate demise, someone farted.
I know, I know. What the hell is it with farts? I know.
I have always been excellent at ignoring fluffs. If you don’t, you lose instruction time, there is the potential for embarrassing the culprit, and it is just not good role model behavior. This year, however, farts have become exponentially funnier. I don’t know why.
But, I am a freaking human, alright?
I could feel it building inside. I tried to ignore it. I tried to focus on Brutus killing Caesar, “Et tu, Brute” and all that.
There wasn’t a single laugh or even any acknowledgement that it had happened.
But…it went “Bloop”.
Bloop
I couldn’t hold it in. I started laughing. I didn’t dare look at anyone. Maybe it would stop. I kept my face behind the book.
Reading…long pause…expectant re-positioning. Silent laughing. More reading. Longer pause. Not-so-silent laughing.
Fuck. I cannot believe this is happening to me. AGAIN.
OK. STOP.
I can’t.
Because, it went “bloop”.
Bloop.
At this point, I am too far gone. You know when you are not supposed to laugh? During funerals? When someone is telling you something sad? When you are getting bad news of some sort? But, someone told you a joke before the bad news and you are still laughing, or the person talking to you has a crusty booger and you just can’t even?
It was like that. I knew I shouldn’t laugh and so, that is precisely when I can’t control laughing.
My best friend in high school will relate, because we were the most hated students in Ms. Gibb’s class. We had laughing fits, on a daily basis, over stupid shit, like Ms. Gibb’s flock of seagulls hair. Once we started, we could.not.stop.
It was like that as my poor students sat, wide-eyed, watching their demented teacher lose her shit.
A few brave souls attempted apprehensive, “hehe’s”.
One student said, monotone, teacherly, “Are you OK, Ms. P?”
No. I was not OK.
Eventually, I did collect myself and we carried on, but not until we discussed why I was laughing. I was not laughing at the person who farted. We went over that it is a natural bodily function that is funny. Right?
The same student who asked if I was done losing my shit said, “Ms. P, that wasn’t even a fart, that was my shoe…”
It.wasn’t.even.a.fart.
What an excellent first impression for my new student. Teacher of the year right here.
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Online Magazine Writer-Say What?!
Hello Readers! I have some exciting news- I will be a contributing blogger for an online magazine! The magazine is UK-based and called, Shopper Lottie. It’s a fab online source for all things beauty, entertainment, humor, and lifestyle.
I am so, so excited, and feeling quite honored. The opportunities I’ve been given as of late are beyond even my wildest dreams. I keep wondering when I’ll wake up. I hope never!
My first post for Shopper Lottie is up and ready for viewing! You can find it here:
Why My Boobs Are Not My Besties
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Friday Funnies
This is going to be a very half-assed post. I’ve been so busy this past week that I haven’t had a moment to sit down and write a proper post. Just to reassure everyone that I’m still alive and well (I know you’ve all been quite concerned *hehe*), I thought I would share some things that have made me laugh lately. Enjoy, and have a fantabulous Friday.
How did someone find my personal collection of shame pictures?! Seriously though, this is real life. I found this on Facebook, but I’ve seen it lurking around Pinterest for awhile. It’s a classic.
Hide yo’ kids! Hide yo’ wife-this ain’t for virgin eyes. This is my brother attempting yoga. Lord Jesus, and all that is holy! I had no idea there was something scarier than moi doing stretches!
These next few pictures are of notes left by one of my students. The absolute funniest thing regarding these adorably hilarious notes is that this child is painfully shy. She’s that kid who is very smart, reserved, and speaks so quietly, you only hear half of what she says, if that. Who knew she had such spunk?! She better be a brain surgeon, or be a writer for SNL. Something amazing is in store for this darling.
This last one is from a different student, but had to be included, because, apparently, I’m a man.
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10 Truths Learned After Today
1. It is possible to eat a yogurt cup, a Cranberry Bliss Bar from Starbucks, a bagel with cream cheese, a couple pieces of fruit, and a mini cinnamon roll before 9:00 AM.
2. After a hearty, diverse breakfast, it is possible to be ravenously hungry an hour later.
3. When you forget to shave your legs, for a month, the sharp-as-tack hair will poke through your leggings. And it will be noticeable.
4. Subsequently, said overgrown leg hair will stick out the bottom of your leggings. And, your students will give you worried/questioning/confused looks all day. Do they think I’m a man now??
5. 3rd graders are very literal. If you ask them if they can turn their day around after some poor decisions, and you ask again, with emphasis, “Can you turn around?”, they will literally turn around. The point was lost.
6. When you decide to be healthy, for once, and eat a salad for lunch, you will take so long to eat it, you forget to check your teeth. As thanks, there will be a piece of lettuce between every.single.tooth.
7. Your boss will come in after lunch. Because you have to be extra smiley to your principal, they will observe your tooth adornments, but you won’t discover that until you go to the bathroom. 2 hours later.
8. When you play a KIDS Just Dance video on YouTube, for a brain break, the ad that plays before the video will be about Vagisil.
9. 8-year-olds struggle with explaining their thinking in writing, forget something you said two seconds ago, and don’t remember you’ve been learning about multiplication for a month, but they can draw a very accurate portrait of you. Complete with chin hairs and zits in precisely the right location on your face.
10. Salad can and will give you noxious gas.
I didn’t ask, I DIDN’T ASK.
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Can I Add This to My Resume?
I am so excited to announce that I have been given the opportunity to write for a local magazine. Never did I think that this would be an opportunity available to me. Sure, in my most wildest dreams, did I wonder, but never did I let it settle in my conscious as something that could be a real possibility. Yet, here I am, announcing this wonderful news.
The magazine is called Bliss Babe, and is a women’s health, beauty, and fitness publication.
You might all be wondering what Fatty McCupcakes could possibly have to do with a fitness, beauty, and health magazine. I mean, have you seen me? Have you read my posts about my baked goods addiction? Have you witnessed my epic yoga failure? Apparently, a lot of women relate to my struggles. Apparently, all women struggle with diet, fitness, and feeling beautiful. They are not just my struggles, they are our struggles.
Now, I need your help. The creator has mentioned that it is possible that some of my existing blog posts could be published in the magazine. With that, I need to know which ones would be the best to be featured in an actual magazine *EEEK*.
Below are three possible categories I could be writing about, with links to blog posts falling under that category. If you are new to following me, or missed some of these, and you need something to do, well…I would be forever grateful if you could check these out. At the end of this post are links to 3 different surveys (I have to upgrade, as in pay to have more than 1 question per survey, so um, no. Sorry).
Beauty
Lipstick
My Hairy Life
An Ode to Hairy Women
Health
Why You Gotta Be Like That, Carbs?
Be Cool, Alright?
Fat Clap
Free Donut Day
Get Out the Way, Bitch
Fitness
Whip My Ass Ass
Yoga Farts
21 Minute Survival Challenge
Below, you can find the links to the surveys. If it weren’t for all of the people who read the crazy crap I write, this would not be happening! I would be honored to use your suggestions for what should be featured in the magazine. Thank you all so very much.
Beauty Blog Post Survey
Health Blog Post Survey
Fitness Blog Post Survey
Thank you’s and CUPCAKES!
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Glutton's Paradise AKA Apple Hill
It’s been fall break over in my neck of the woods. Us educators call this time, “Thank Baby Jesus We Made it to October”. I swear these breaks aren’t really for the kids, they’re for the teachers, for our sanity.
Every fall, since I can remember, we have gone to Apple Hill. Nestled between South Lake Tahoe and Sacramento, Apple Hill is a labyrinth of orchards, pumpkin patches, wineries, and family-owned farms, open to the public.
Apple Hill has always meant eat all the apple treats, drink all the cider, and buy all the crafts to me. You can’t bring enough money, because saying ‘no’ to your tenth caramel apple and a bunch of overpriced, homemade crap is impossible.
Since I’ve been a destitute teacher, I only buy the best of the best; no more hand-painted pumpkins and doilies for me. What is worth my money is this sign that I had to buy for my bathroom. I mean, there was no question.
I also wanted to buy every single candle from B&B Candles. Not only are they the most delicious, long-lasting candles I’ve ever purchased, the older gentlemen who sells them for his wife is the cutest. #supportgrandmaandgrandpa
OK, let’s get down to it, I know you’re waiting to hear. Exactly how naughty and gluttonous was I? If success is becoming a diabetic on vacation, I went for the gold. It was bad, but so damn good.
Not even an hour in, and I found myself a cherry apple empanada. Delicioso!
Photo op tip: Always stand behind the other people in the photo. Instant diet! Wearing black will optimize your results!
This was lunch. They were called “Hog Fries”. How apropos.
“Cyser”: hard cider, mead, and honey. I had two. They were that good (I’m also a serious lightweight, and these bad boys were like 13%. You do the math). I didn’t capture my Chinese dinner, because I was drunk. What I did do was have a snorting, laughing fit in the Peking Duck, because apparently egg rolls are hilarious when you’re on a drunken, sugar-high binge.
Morning in Apple Hill means freshly-fried hot apple pie donuts and hot coffee! Look at those fat, hungry fingers!
Warmed Dutch apple sour cream pie for second breakfast. Yes, really.
Of course, I had to take a selfie! Come to mama!
This is an apple cider float. It was at this point that I began feeling my two days of absolute gluttony. When I bent over to tie my shoes, my apple treats and regret almost came up. My last words before my coma: “And…I now have diabetes.”
The whole ride home was spent trying not to throw up.
I went hog wild because Monday starts a new chapter. When people take pictures of the fat girl taking a selfie of herself eating baked goods, it’s time. Back on the wagon I go.
I’ll let you know how God-awful Monday after a break, on a diet, goes.
